I'm awakened abruptly by a loud crash. I open my eyes and realize that I am on the floor. Oh... I fell. Wait a second. I don't live here. Not in a million years.
I look around my unfamiliar surroundings, making a futile attempt at remembering the name of this apartment's resident. It's actually pretty nice in here, for where it's located. This isn't the best of neighborhoods, I can remember that. Matthew? No, that's not his name.1
What's this? An unframed picture of an unfamiliar guy? I wonder if he wrote anything on the back. Bingo! "Hey, Cory! How have you been? I'm doing well. Write back soon! - Trevor." So his name is Cory, huh? That's good to know. Well, now that I've taken care of that problem, I can get down to business. It's not exactly easy living off of what you steal from unsuspecting men, so I need to hit it big this time.
Well, if I was rich, where would I keep anything valuable? I check under the bed for anything, but to no avail. Next stop: the closet. I open the sliding door and I'm astonished. He must have over 100 pairs of shoes! How many pairs can one man own?! I mean sure, he's gay, but this is just ridiculous. Unnatural even!
Wait a minute. It really IS odd... To dedicate this much space, at least half of his entire closet, to shoes. I immediately begin to rip shoes out of place, trying my best to memorize where they were originally. I clear about twenty pairs of shoes before I find the elusive safe. What luck! He's stupid enough to leave a key for it right on top, too! I grab the key and unlock the door. As it swings open, the hinges creak defiantly. I cringe at the sound. Making this much noise, I need to hurry. What can I find in here? Bills, contracts, maybe $1000, and some other junk. Looks like he's not really hiding anything. I take $50 just in case I feel like bailing out. 2
Okay, time to check out the rest of this apartment. I close the door to the safe, placing the key back in place. Next I return the shoes to their rightful places. At least I hope its the right places. As I finish replacing the shoes, I hurriedly close the closet's sliding door.
Now it's time to check out the rest of the... Wait. I don't have any clothes on! Where are my pants? My underwear?! My clothing is nowhere in sight, so I simply pull a sheet off the bed, wrapping it around myself as I do so. Oh, how elegant I must look! At least I'm not completely naked. I walk to the door and try the handle. Hmm, he's trusting enough not to lock a stranger in, too. What's his name again? Cory, right? I hope for my sake that I'm correct. I walk into what looks like his living room, only to catch sight of a person's shadow coming into view, in the doorway on the opposite side of the room...
Author notes
Age: 15
You skipped number 8. Well, not so much SKIPPED, just replaced with number 5.
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Walk the walk:
Hmm.... "excape" should be "escape".
"accross" should be spelled "across".
"Exsistance" is really "existence".
Just want you to know that spelling could make or break a person's story. Even as a draft, it should still have good spelling. Don't use words you don't normally use unless you can spell them! But also don't be afraid to use those words outside of your vocabulary. When used correctly, it can greatly increase the effect that one will receive from a story.
Anyways, onto my real comment.
It's a very nice draft.
The surreal feeling of the of the planes of existence really appeals to me. And I can connect with you when you say that white is constricting.
http://storywrite.com/story/245866
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Hmm...Interesting, so far.
You should introduce the nakedness a little earlier in the story, it seems a bit goofy for the protaginist to realize it so late in the story. Although it did provide for a good laugh.
Are you going to add to this later? Are there more parts? Just curious... -
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Yes
There are more parts. I've added on to it, it's just that I only write when I have the inspiration. Anything I write is never the same, and I cannot time when I will be inspired, so the majority of my work on "Interest" is on paper still. I've been too busy lately to copy it, as well. But thank you for commenting on this. The odd thing is, your comment never showed up on my notes. I apologize for the delayed response.
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This is funny so far
I'm trying to see what's happening though, and I've got two options.
He's a thief, and somehow ended up in the room without clothes.
or
He was at a party at the house last night, passed out drunk, and then stole some money to be able to make it back home.
Or both
Good start, nice cliffhanger. Thanks for entering
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Ok
It's pretty good, and it certainly generates enough interest to make one want to read the next part. The whole shoe part seemed kind of strange though. are they supposed to be there for the sole purpose of hiding a safe? Or does it just look like there are a lot of them? Also, the whole idea of making a living conning people doesn't seem to tie in well with the idea that you would not remember the person you have set your sights on. Nevertheless, it's an interesting read, and an interesting beginning. -
clever
This is a great start! I love the fact that the hinges "creak defiantly." The phrase gives the hinges a personality and as I am obsessed with personification I find it to be a wonderful device here. The last paragraph made me laugh which was a nice change in moods. good work! I'm curious to read more of your pieces .
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Interesting start! I might suggest the use of a semicolon in the second to last setence of the paragraph. I only say that because it would work there, and I like saying the word semicolon. It's not often I get to use it lol. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a little ADHD. But seriously, this was a good start. Keep rolling with it and see where you go! -Liz
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I don't mean to sound rude,
But which paragraph? :] It isn't specified, so I would just like to know. But, thank you for the comment! -
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Ohhh! I meant to say first paragraph. I thought I had typed that but I guess I got distracted by something lol. I hope you're continuing with the series! -Liz
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Wow. Thank you so much for actually doing the contest story RIGHT! Everyone else has broken rules, but you did it the way I wanted it to be done. So, thank you a lot.
Regarding the chapter you have written, I must say that it was "riveting" in both the beginning, middle, and end. A perfect start to a mysterious novel. The way you ended it had me craving for more because I want to know what became of the shadow. Great work!
Regarding the comment, I'm relieved to say you also did this well. The corrections were to the point and specific, but you also added in connections. They let me know you actually read the WHOLE thing and payed attention.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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There are a number of basic grammar/spelling mistakes: end of line three, line four. I feel like the ellipses are a little overused. I get that you're trying to evoke a certain feeling, but I think you are doing it just fine with your words. The dot dot dots aren't necessary. Let your words speak for you, not your punctuation--you are a better writer than that.
Overall, I think you should make a run through grammar check. I personally get put off from reading something if there are a large number of basic mistakes.
I think you have a great deal of potential and should keep writing--just pay a little more attention to the little things mayhaps.
Best,
El -
Interesting lol, i love how personal it is lol...eh
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this reminded me of the online red room game...where you wake up and have to find your way out I like hodw you did it and am interested to see where you take it.
I could feel the confusion and wanted to jump in and help
Great writing!
Rian
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it was good
I actually wanna know what is gonna happenbeginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Hmm...
Thanks. I hope that other people receive it as well as you do.
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