A man named Lunchbox was born- no, wait, a BABY named lunchbox was born- crap! Start over. A baby was born. He was not yet a man and he wasn't named Lunchbox yet. But he was going to be. After he was born there was much crying and laughing (crying by those who would have to deal with such an UGLY child for the rest of their lives and laughing by those sick, sadistic onlookers whose feelings of schadenfreude born of the already mentioned people's dilemma just bubbled over into huge, cruel [and a bit relieved {after all, wouldn't you be relieved that this wasn't YOUR baby?!}] guffaws and hardy-har-hars and other such things) and hugs all 'round. Then they decided to name him Lunchbox- er, that is, his parents (yet baffled as to how they produced such an ugly offspring), still dazed from the long laborious process of labor, could think of nothing better than Lunchbox. Hang on-2
*{much whispering and debating as to the origin of Lunchbox's name can be heard in the background and then...}*3
-ammit! Oh, sorry, am I back on? Er, right then. Um... what? Oh, yeah, Lunchbox. Turns out there was a little kid in the next room who desperately wanted his Power Rangers lunchbox and he was screaming for it super loudly at the top of his surprisingly really very extremely loud little lungs and that's all the nurse could hear so... his lunchbox- I mean, his birth certificate said Lunchbox D. Dinnerplate for the rest of his miserable little- oh, shit! Is he here? W-what I meant to say was that ummmm... the birth certificate would say what I already said it said for the rest of his wonderful and glorious (not to mention prosperous) life.4
Then after a rather uneventful (uneventful if you don't count all the events that happened) couple of years (and when I say couple, I actually mean two, unlike most people who think a couple is some vague number between -9,736 and infinity plus two), Lunchbox D. Dinnerplate hit the Terrible Twos. Now, you might consider this uneventful (besides the events that took place) if this were any normal case of the Terrible Twos- but it wasn't. You see- well, actually you hear, or whatever, it just so happens that Lunchbox had been abducted-5
*{someone clears their throat and there is more whispering}*6
-what I mean by that is that Lunchbox's FATHER had been abducted. By aliens. A long time ago. In a galaxy far far away. Sorry, I couldn't help it, I just had to say that, but the aliens WERE from a galaxy far far away (four thousand and twenty seven glonkoids away, to be exact). And what they did is, or rather, WAS, they sucked him- well, actually, they kind of BEAMED him up into their space ship thingy, and proceeded to impregnate him with a baby. That baby was Lunchbox. Well, he WOULD be Lunchbox as soon as they named him that, but until then, he would just be a baby, I guess. Oh, yeah! Earlier in the story I should have told you that interesting little tidbit about the baby (that would later be known as Lunchbox). I guess some people would find it weird if their father had given birth to them, or something. Anyway, during Lunchbox's 7
Terrible Twos (sorry I just felt like starting a new paragraph) it became apparent that Lunchbox was a lot different than most of the other alien-spawn-born-to-human-males-and-named-Lunchbox around these parts. Go figure.8
The first sign was that anybody who didn't like Lunchbox or whom (WOW, I said whom! I sound smart when I say whom! Whom whom whom whom!) Lunchbox didn't like, seemed to get crapped on. Literally. Cows and elephants and llamas and pigs and hippopotamuses and flamingos and orangutans and tortoises and big, hairy football players and drunk colleges students and pigeons and sometimes even superheroes would simply come up to Lunchbox's not-likers or not-likees and poop on them. It got to be real messy because due to this icky fact, nobody seemed to like Lunchbox. So they all got pooped on. And died. Because of all of the poop. Until Lunchbox took over the world at age "this many". But just ask Lunchbox, ruling the world is a crappy job, hahahahaha! Ha? No? Ah, well, it was worth a try.9
Then a giant Dragon named Snuffleuffleuffa- Snufflifllue- Snifflysniffypoo- Snipplypooplysnuff- I mean, Snaffleydaffipooey- oh, forget it attacked Lunchbox's world. But Snuffleuffleuffa-Snufflifllue-Snifflysniffypoo-Snipplypooplysnuff-I-Mean-Snaff
After dispatching Snuffleuffleuffa-Snufflifllue-Snifflysniffypoo-Snipplypooplysnuff-I-Mean-Snaff
Eventually, there was so much excrement on top of the mountain, it made a tower all the way to Planet Xloirtyu. Lunchbox then attacked the local population of pygmies. Now these weren't just any pygmies, they were armed to the teeth with bananas. No, really, they stuck bananas on their teeth. And they had a giant laser cannon that they used to blast Lunchbox's tower to bits. Now this made a very disgusting "meteor shower" that made the whole place stink. 12
Then a bunch of cave-dwelling Aztecs who had come to the planet by accident when a sacrificial offering got lost in the mail and went to the god of teleport devices by mistake, came out of their caves and worshipped Lunchbox as "Shitzil Tlaxcalipoop" or, Master of the Poop and Other Disgusting Things That Serve Surprisingly Well For Building Planet-To-Planet Towers. With the pooping animals (not to mention college students and football players) and the poop-loving natives of Planet Xloirtyu at his side, Lunchbox then proceeded to conquer the universe.13
The End. Of the universe as we know it.14
Or so it was thought. But it just so happens that a planet of giant mutated toucans singing about breakfast cereal managed to hold off Lunchbox just long enough for the aliens that I mentioned earlier to come to the rescue. They had realized right after they had put Lunchbox's father back on Earth (now known as The Shit-hole) that Hillary Clinton (the head alien) had forgotten to use a condom when she had her way with the human. This was really bad because she had twelve penises. And it just so happens that transsexual humans CAN have babies! So then the aliens sought out Lunchbox and his ever-elusive band of poopers. When they finally found him, they teamed up with the toucans and pelted Lunchbox with lamp posts and toilet paper until he apologized. Then they killed him.15
Whew, I was getting worried. Weren't you? Now, it's quite obvious that this story has a very important moral. I'm not sure what it is though, so I'll just make one up. Or maybe more than one. Wait, do biographies of reincarnated alien spawn who lead armies of pooping poopers have morals? Well, this one does:16
1. Always use a condom, or twelve. Especially if you're Hillary Clinton.17
2. It's a bad idea to change sexes because Hillary Clinton might make you pregnant anyway.18
3. There is no number three.19
4. Earth would be a shit hole anyway, even without Lunchbox and his army.20
5. Just because you have a long name doesn't mean you can't drown in poop one day.21
6. Poop stinks. Bad. Especially when iguanas do it.22
7. Pigeons walk funny. And poop funnier. But they can't tell a joke. Neither can clown fish. Especially Nemo's dad.23
8. If you name your kid Lunchbox and he was born to a man and conceived on an alien spaceship with Hillary Clinton, bad things will happen.24
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Jen
