There he lay. An anonymous black man about 6' 2'' with shaved hair with ashes, sweat, and blood stuck to his wounded skin. But he was still unconditionally gorgeous. His right arm in a sling and his left knee bandaged tightly, I took a wet washcloth and wiped over his face, moving down his neck, over his tight stomach, cleaning his legs and feet. Hoping with the layer of dirt out of the way he would be able to sleep better. "Thank you madam." said the broken voice. I turned quickly, startled. 11
My heart was pumping uncontrollably suddenly, beating its way out of my chest. Now that his eyes were open, they were bright green.... full of life. I managed to find the feeling in my face (which was scared stiff) and say, "Your welcome, sir." 22
"Please,'' he coughed. "Call me Antwan." He gave me a beautiful crooked smile. I gave a disturbed one back. 33
"Okay. Antwan. Is there anything I can serve you? Is there any cuts I'm not aware of?" 44
"Hmmm, would you look at that?"55
"I'm sorry, I don't seem to understand." I tilted my head in question before sitting on a wooden stool beside his bed. 66
"A white lady asking ME if I want anything..." I was most certainly insulted! I sat up quickly and stood my ground.77
"Well, I will not sit here and take any of this racial crap!" I snapped at him. I half-way turned to walk away, but a soft and loving hand caught me and pulled me back, sitting me beside him on the bed.88
"I'm sorry, ma'am. I swear I didn't mean anything by it. Honest." His eyes, green like a meadow just watered by a lightning storm, burned into my memory.99
"No..." I sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm so tired I'm not thinking straight." I grabbed the wet washcloth and wiped away the sweat from his jawbone, showing the slight energy he had used. "Please?" I asked. "Call me Lauren." He grabbed my hand and kissed it in respect.1010
"Okay Ms. Lauren. It's VERY nice to meet you." We gazed into each others eyes unconsciously until it was interrupted by a loud booming voice from the kitchen curtain. "LAUREN! GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT IN HERE AND HELP ME SERVE!!!" 1111
"Oh bloody hell." I whispered to myself. "I'll be there in a minute, Mrs. Randall." I called, turning to Antwan. "Your food will be here in one moment, Si- Antwan." He gave me his crooked smile and I backed away slowly, heading for the kitchen where I nearly ran into a medicine cart. *chuckles*12
A contest entry
- The Commentless by Atticus Unanimous.
100 points, ended February 4, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Why did you type the paragraph numbers at the end? They appear by themselves and I must say it's distracting.
At the end of paragraph 11, when Mrs. Randall screams at Lauren, there is little need for all caps. You can make the same impression by adding a single exclamation mark and adding some vibrant phrase that insinuates the character was being verbally harassed.
Overall, nice job. Interesting characters and nice description. I love the first paragraph; however, the quality from that paragraph to the last paragraph declines slightly, as though you lost interest or lost words to describe the scene. -
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about the numbers at the end of paragraphs, that was a mistake. as you see the title says 'tweaked up' so i copied and pasted it again, but added different sentences and such. so i forgot to delete the numbers.
i kind of did lose interest actually. i had some family troubles. and i should've just had written it later in the year, but i just wanted to get it out of the way. so i kind of rushed. i regret that because i feel it could've have been alot better. but in the end it was better than i expected of myself.
thx for the tips, i know they will help alot!
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that was totally amazzing
i loved it!!
please continue!! ;] -
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thanksssss :D
that means alot like i told everybody else who wanted me to continue, im working on 2nd Generation: The Begining of the End (you should check out The Beginning of the End) and then I will continue a chapter of Between the Lions!! So stay tuned or jus tadd me as a friend if you'd like and get updates!! thx again and i love your work!!
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i like it so far. are you going to continue it?? :]
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