Tabitha

A few days ago I bumped into a friend whom I hadn't contacted in a couple of years. We met at tuition, and I remembered we talked, a lot. Things were quite pretty back then, and it's a wonder why none of us had made any efforts in maintaining contact. 1

We recognised each other, not instantly but quickly enough to avoid any awkwardness, which would have arisen if either one of us were slow to memory. I had my car with me, so I suggested that we should go for a cup of tea. 2

It gave a rather weird feeling, to have suddenly reconciled with a person whom you thought you had forgotten, whom you thought never existed. All I remembered was that we used to talk a lot in class, we ignored the teacher, and we did not exactly do our homework. But it's different from meeting a best friend whom you have lost contact with for a long time, because she was never one to start with. We were close, but we weren't anything near that category. 3

I studied her for a while after we ordered some drinks. I doubted if she knew that, but it wouldn't really matter if she did. There's something special about a person whom you talked a lot with, shared junk food with; a person whom you thought you knew their quirks and they knew yours, but strangely enough, so easily forgotten after you've both parted. Probably the special-ness was that the person had none to me, unlike those very good friends whom I hold dear to.4

"So do you have a boyfriend now?" She asked. Just like all my other friends did after I set foot into college.5

"Not yet," I replied. "What about you? Do you have any boyfriends?"6

She raised her eyebrows.7

"Oh. Right. I've forgotten--lousy memory. Sorry." 8

We laughed. I felt slightly embarrassed. 9

"And...one more thing, since I've already broken my disguise, I think it's only fair for you to know that I...might have confused your name--" I admitted. "Jocelyn...?"10

"Hahaha. Josephine. It's okay."11

She was forgiving. She didn't mind that I forgot. And that alone made me feel pretty bad about myself. I tried to remember some details of our past conversations in the tuition centre to somehow prove to her that I still remembered, and I wasn't that heartless as to forget a friend, entirely. 12

Details. I didn't seem to remember much of what we used to talk about, except for some very vague topics like some silly political jokes or movies. Come to think of it, we never really had a meaningful exchange in the past. Then I remembered something - Nail polish. 13

I reached out and grabbed her hand from across the table. Her nails were long and coloured. 14

"I thought you hated those?"15

"Not really. Hormones did funny things to me. Now I enjoy them, well, except for manicures and pedicures. I still hold the same views against them."16

"Thank god. I am still against those. I don't mind colour anymore, and I think maybe it really is the hormones," I joked, "but I still can't grow nails. Long nails irritate me." 17

"Some day you will be able to." 18

"Hah. Why are you so sure?"19

"Because your hormones will betray you," she chuckled, and wiggled her fingers in my face. "They betrayed me. Look at my nails!" 20

Now I remembered. It was her sense of humour which I truly enjoyed that had kept us talking non-stop while the teacher was lecturing in front. It was that sense of humour which was quite similar to mine, and I believed, that sense of humour which only Audrey (out of my circle of close friends) could understand fully. It was quite a shame they never knew each other.            21

"Hey!" I thought of something again. "Didn't you have a dog now? I remember seeing it once when it was still a pup!" 22

"Tabitha?" 23

"You named your dog Tabitha?"24

"Well, that's what I remember." 25

"But isn't ‘Tabitha' a cat's name?" 26

"It is? I never noticed." 27

I insisted that we go to her house and have a look at Tabitha. Weird name for a dog, I thought. Tabitha? Oh well, it didn't really matter, actually. It was, after all, just a name. We reached her house and if I remembered correctly, there weren't any changes. Or that I had forgotten. I remembered the sofa quite correctly: leather. 28

A fish bowl was missing. There used to be one somewhere around the hall. 29

"Where's your fish?" 30

"Tom knocked it over. And he ate it." 31

I gulped. So her cat ate her fish. I wondered if she had been angry at her cat for that; I knew it's only natural - predator and prey - but I would be angry if one of my dogs ate any of my tortoises. 32

"Where's Tom?" 33

"Ran away." 34

"I'm sorry. You didn't find him?" 35

"He ran away. I wanted to find him, but he ran away. There was nothing I could do."36

She sounded aloof towards the matter. It shocked me that she did, because if I had my facts correct, she was a cat-person (as opposed to me), and she loved Tom, dearly. Tom was a mixed Siamese. He possessed the elegance and mystique a Siamese ought to have, but due to his mixed heritage, he also had an aura of hardiness about him. I guess it was his silent ways of charming Josephine that made him the owner of her. 37

"I tried to find him, and I was heartbroken when he left. I loved him and cared for him, and I thought that was forever - At least it would be his forever. I mean, cats don't live up to eighty like we do. " Her voice was shielded "But in the end he ran away. Probably saw some hot sauce across the street and just dashed over in the middle of the night. Probably dead. Road kill. Probably he has a new owner now."            38

"When did he disappear?" 39

"About a year ago. I wonder if he has kittens now, if he's still alive. God hope he is." 40

"He will be alright," I smiled at her. 41

"Do you think Tom'll remember me? I mean, I was his owner." 42

"Of course he will remember you! You loved him and I am sure he knows that!" 43

I wasn't sure if I was lying. The difference between a cat and a dog is that you'll have no clue if your cat loves you, but it‘d be damn obvious for your dog. And that's why I am a dog-person. I know it when my dog loves me. I love it that they're so expressive of their love and devotion, although, at times, I do get quite irritated at my dogs for ‘showing too much love'. If you had a (male) dog you would know what I mean.  44

Josephine let out another chuckle. 45

"Oh well. Tom is gone now. I do miss him a lot, I still think of him a lot, and if he ever finds his way home I'd give him a huge kiss no matter how dirty his coat is. God I really loved that fur-ball. You wouldn't understand anyways; you like dogs." 46

"Don't be silly. Of course I understand. It's only natural for you to feel that way. Dogs or cats, they're the same...In a way. I can understand your loss." 47

She was sad. I guess it's just that she'd gotten tired of being sad over her loss she decided to forget about Tom, until his name was mentioned again. 48

I never thought I would have a chance to see her like this. This was so different from all the times we spent laughing together at our meaningless chatter. In the past, she appeared to be so one-dimensional; always laughing her heart out, always joking; I had never seen her sentimental side before. I had never known her. I had never seen her feelings, just like she had never seen mine. 49

"Come on, I'll bring you to Tabitha's kennel."            50

"Wow she's got a kennel now? Last time she used to sleep at the porch. Lucky girl!"            51

"Yeah. I felt sorry for her. It's cold at night." 52

We walked to the back of her kitchen and there I saw Tabitha. Her kennel was sturdy. It's a little brick house with a gate made out of aluminium. Tabitha was an alert fella'; she had been sleeping until she heard our footsteps. She saw Josephine and she jumped on her feet, wagged her short tail and I could almost see a smile on her face. But in less than a second she saw me standing beside Josephine. Immediately she assumed an aggressive position; she studied me and the fur on her spine stood as she lowered her body. She let out a low growl, and then a loud bark followed. Soon, she became ferocious and noisy. 53

"And your baby still hates me." I said. The last time I saw Tabitha, she gave me the same treatment - Hostility. "But dogs don't hate me! They usually think I am one of them and they begin to sniff my butt." 54

"Well, now you know Tabitha doesn't sniff butts." 55

We laughed again. The dog kept on barking. Josephine bent down and tried to soothe the dog. She signaled me to move out of Tabitha's sight. I went into the kitchen and peeped from the windows. Josephine opened the gate and Tabitha came to her. She put a hand on her dog's body and started patting her, meanwhile whispering soft orders to her. Tabitha quieted down and she was ‘smiling' again. I was worried at the velocity at which she wagged her tiny tail; it looked as if it was going to fall off any minute. Seeing a cat-person and a dog bonding was an extraordinary experience. I smiled to myself at such a heart-warming scene. 56

Josephine came back to the kitchen and washed her hands. 57

"You know, you don't really look that much like a cat-person. Most of those whom I have heard of are either afraid of dogs or hate dogs so much they wouldn't even dare to touch it. But look at you! You have bonded with Tabitha!" 58

She flicked the water off her hands and wiped them clean with a table cloth. 59

"I don't hate dogs." 60

"I don't hate cats either, haha..." 61

Our first moment of lengthened silence occurred at this moment. Nobody was talking. I was worried for a moment if it was something I said, but I decided not to say anything until after Josephine had spoken. 62

"Do you like her?" 63

"Tabitha?" 64

"Yeah. The dog. Do you like her?" 65

"Of course I like her! She's the one who hates me!" I joked. But I meant it when I said I like the dog. I always liked dogs, of course I liked Tabitha. 66

"I'll be migrating to Australia around February. And I'm not planning to bring her along with me--" 67

"Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second," I interrupted. "Are you trying to give Tabitha away to me?" 68

"It seems so. I can't bring it along with me." 69

"Why?" 70

"Because I just wouldn't." 71

She wouldn't? Or she couldn't? That dog had lived with her for about three years. And it seemed to me that they had indeed bonded well. She took care of her dog, she cared for her dog, she knew how to treat the dog, and the dog, like any other dogs, loved its owner. Probably it was her parents who objected? 72

"But why? Is it because of your parents?" 73

"Partly, yes." 74

Partly? What did she mean, partly? 75

"Partly. That means you made the choice to abandon Tabitha." 76

She murmured a soft ‘yes' while pouring the both of us some water. I wondered if it was guilt I read from her expression, or indifference. 77

"Well, I believe if it was Tom, you would have brought him along," I said, almost making a dare to myself, "at all costs."    78

"Tom's a cat. Not just any other cat, but my first cat." 79

"Tabitha's your pet. Not just any other pet, but your first dog." 80

"Just in case you've forgotten, I'm a cat-person." 81

"Does it matter that much?" 82

She didn't answer. 83

But she loved the dog nonetheless. At least that was what I perceived. It wondered me a lot, why would Josephine mind that much about the species of her pets. Cats and dogs, they're different, but cats and dogs, they're after all, our companions. It wasn't as if she couldn't get along with Tabitha, it wasn't as if she hated dogs, or Tabitha. She cared for Tabitha enough that she got her a kennel. She loved Tabitha enough to spend time with her, or did she not? 84

"Do you play with Tabitha?" 85

"Of course I do. I make sure she gets my attention. I'm not that heartless." 86

"I know you're not." 87

"I enjoyed my time with it. Tabitha's a dog, not a cat--not what I wanted. But she's fun to be with. And she was capable of many things Tom couldn't do, but she couldn't purr like Tom, nor could she brush her coat against my leg like how Tom used to do." She paused for a sip of water, and she continued, "Tabitha--dogs, in general, show you more of themselves. Cats, they let you find out." 88

"But if you don't like dogs, why is Tabitha even here in the first place?" 89

"Like I said, I never wanted her. She just came along, like unwanted pregnancy." 90

"Unwanted...pregnancy?" 91

"Yeah. Tabitha found her way into my house; I wasn't even sure where she came from. Then she just thought this was her home for life, and she pawed my legs and bit my sandals. I shooed her and I really hated her guts, but she came back nonetheless--" 92

"Well, dogs have to bite. It's good for their teeth." 93

"Let me continue. I hit her with something and told her never to set her paws in my house again, and I locked her outside. She sat there and whined for a long moment, and she walked away. And I didn't see her the next day." 94

"Oh." 95

"But the funny thing was that, I actually missed that pup a little. I kind of hoped that Tabitha would come back, paw at the gate, and make me mad." 96

Josephine spoke as if it was a scene out of some Hollywood love story. But it indeed was a love story, between humans and their pets. I was eager to listen to the rest of her story about Tabitha. 97

"A few days later, I saw the pup at the gate. I felt happy that it did come back. I let her in, and I named her Tabitha." She looked out the kitchen window and caught a glimpse of her dog. "Tom didn't like her that much, she didn't like Tom too. But they never really fought." 98

"You couldn't resist Tabitha." 99

"I couldn't." 100

"How did you share your time between the both of them?" 101

"Tom made that decision." 102

I wasn't sure what she meant by that. As far as I recall, animals do not speak. 103

"When Tom was here, I spent less time with Tabitha. But sometimes Tom didn't want my companionship, and that was when I had my time with Tabitha. And when Tom left, I'm stuck with the dog." 104

"'Stuck with' doesn't sound like a good word." 105

"I know." 106

Tabitha was quiet. I wondered if she was asleep or hiding in her fortress. I wondered, if she were able to hear us, and understand our conversation, how would she feel? Or probably, she had always figured things out a little in her clever canine ways. 107

"But I grew to love the dog, too. In a way, I do." 108

"But you plan to abandon her as well." 109

"Like I said, I'm a cat-person. I may love the dog, but it's different. I don't love the dog that much." 110

"I'm sorry if it sounds rude, but I just don't understand your logic. They're your pets! Tom had been there for you, Tabitha has always been there even when you didn't want her. If you really plan to abandon her, why do you still care for her and play with her?" 111

"I never wanted her. It's a habit I guess. I'm used to treating her good. And I'll feel guilty if I don't. I haven't told you this but do you know that after it's been a part of the family, I had tried to let her out of the door again?" 112

"You did?" 113

"Yeah. I opened my gate on purpose." 114

"Well then, she could have run out if she wanted to." 115

"In fact she did, but she came back and pawed at the gate, and barked. After a few times, she knew the trick; she never went out again." 116

Unlike Tom, my heart whispered. I was glad I never owned a cat, after knowing about Tom. 117

"It's like unwanted pregnancy. You tried to shut the baby out of your life, but you can't. Even if you don't love your baby, you feel responsible for it. And in time, the habit of caring for your child forms. It is from there you re-evaluate your feelings towards the child. Some mothers grow to genuinely love their children, some feels indifferent, and some hated their children even more because of the shackles the children put on their mothers' leg." 118

"Which one are you?" 119

"I think I grow to love Tabitha. I think." Josephine looked out the window again. "You don't have to get it to take care of Tabitha for me." 120

"Josephine, I wish I could help you out on this. But I already have two dogs at home. And my parents, they wouldn't agree to take her in. If I had my own house I would surely take Tabitha in." 121

"It's alright. I'll just try to find her a new owner." 122

"What if you couldn't?" 123

"Then she's on her own." 124

I walked out of the backdoor into Tabitha's kennel. Her ears erected and her eyes opened. She heard my footsteps drawing near. And again there was this snarl from her, followed by loud barks escaping from her revealing fangs. Her hair stood, and her body shivered. She still hated me. 125

If she had been able to understand human-speak, she would have every reason to hate me even more than she already did. I was the one who dug out all the truths she never thought of hearing. She would hate me, for I had shown her how her life with Josephine would end long before it actually happened. She would hate me, because now she knew she would probably end up as a stray. 126

I squatted down in front of Tabitha. She was still barking at me, she was still hostile. Josephine appeared behind me. The barks grew louder. Was Tabitha asking me to leave Josephine alone? I wished I could ask her. Why was Tabitha still barking so loudly? What was she guarding? Why was she guarding? 127

"Even if I brought her with me," Josephine said, "I'd still be a cat-person. And she's not a cat." 128

"You're not giving the poor thing a chance."  129

"Don't say that. If you were to have a cat as a pet, you would understand." 130

"No. I am sure I still wouldn't." 131

Tabitha was still barking, but the volume had lessened. How could she not be tired from barking non-stop every time she saw me? Silly thing. Poor thing. She had no clue about her fate that awaited her. I reached my hand out to pat her, and I knew it wasn't a wise thing to do, but I just wanted to touch her so much. She bit me but her teeth were too blunt, I didn't bleed. It hurt, but I supposed it couldn't hurt more than how Tabitha would feel if she was able to understand us.132

"Silly thing. You're not Tom. Your owner doesn't love you enough and she feels bad about it, perhaps that's why she gave you a consolation prize." 133

It's about time for me to go. I waved Josephine goodbye, but I did not ask for her email address or her phone number. I had forgotten. But I believe if we kept on forgetting something, there must be a reason to it. It's just that, nobody has managed to discover what it is. Just like there's a reason as to why there are things we wanted to forget but just couldn't; those things we remember. 134

After I made a turn, I passed by her house again. I drew down my window. 135

"Hey!" I shouted. 136

"Yeah?" 137

"When do you think we'll meet again?" 138

"Good question!"139

"When the time comes, I guess! All the best in Australia!" 140

"You too! Goodbye!" 141

I wonder if we'll remember each other. Somehow, I guess, she would remember Tom better than she could remember me, just as I would remember Tabitha better than I could remember her. 142

It doesn't really matter, actually.143