End of the Rainbow

(Scene opens with LEPRECHAUN sitting, looking despondant, next to a large cauldron, or pot. A MAN stumbles in stage right, looking lost. He catches sight of LEPRECHAUN, and approaches him.)1

MAN: Where am I?2

LEPRECHAUN (Despondantly): The end of the rainbow, sonny.3

MAN: The what?4

LEP: I do believe you heard me rightly, and that your ‘what’ was simply a denial of the reality of the situation in which you now find yourself. 5

MAN: So I’m at the end of the rainbow.6

LEP: Indeed. You most likely stumbled through some sort of magic portal. Unless you were jinxed by a wizard. (He looks up, eagerly.) You weren’t jinxed by a wizard, were you?7

MAN: I… I don’t know. I don’t think so. All I remember is it started raining, and I was remembering some nursery rhyme, and then… This.8

LEP: Aye. Probably something your grandmother told you, something her grandmother told her, and so forth. Only way magic gets passed on, these days.9

MAN: So, if this is really the end of the rainbow, then I suppose you would be—10

LEP: A leprechaun, at your service.11

MAN (Gestures to pot): And that’s—12

LEP: That’s your genuine, top of the line, pot of gold.13

MAN: It’s not Pot O’ Gold?14

(LEPRECHAUN glares at him.)15

MAN: Sorry. So… How much is this gold worth?16

LEP (Wearily): More than all the kingdoms of the world.17

MAN: Oh. (Pauses.) Mind if I… Take it?18

LEP: If you want it.19

(MAN bends down to pick up pot of gold, then stops.)20

MAN: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop me, or… something? Isn’t that your duty?21

LEP: In theory.22

MAN: You seem so… down. Is something wrong?23

LEP: It’s just that all the young men used to try to come here, and steal me gold. And it was great fun. But then they invented cars, and the Internet, and all I had left to do was sit here and guard gold nobody wanted. Do you know how hard it is to get DSL guys to go through magic portals?24

MAN: Well, I’m here now. You could chase me.25

LEP: I’m too old to do any chasing now, anyhow. Go ahead. Take me gold. A lot of good it’ll do ya.26

(MAN considers for a long moment, then picks up pot of gold and starts to walk away with it.)27

LEP: Out of curiosity, son, what will you do with it?28

MAN: Well, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to save up enough to get my girlfriend something nice. 29

LEP: Something nice? Why, with that you could build her a statue taller than the Collossus of Rhodes! You could make a monument to her that would outlast the pyramids of Egypt!30

MAN: I could buy her castles and mountain ranges—and countries! Planets, probably! Why, with this kind of money, maybe I could get the stars to rearrange in the firmament!31

LEP: Now you’re talking crazy, kid.32

MAN: Perhaps. But think! I could buy her the finest diamonds, the rarest gems, the most delicious of truffles…33

LEP: And yet…34

MAN (looks at him): And yet?35

LEP: Well… Suppose she meets some other young prince? Suppose the Leprechaun’s pot of gold is nothing in comparison to the lost treasure of the Unicorns? Will all that monument-making amount to nothing more than an enormous version of the last girlfriend’s tatoo on your arm?36

MAN (glances at bicep, looks quickly back to LEPRECHAUN): And… And think of the causes. All kinds of people coming to me, wanting me to end world hunger, fund the cure for this disease or that cancer… All the guilt…37

LEP: Suddenly all the people you’ve ever known are your best friends, looking for hand-outs…38

MAN: And the questions! “Sir, where did you get the bottomless pot of gold?” “Where is the end of the rainbow, exactly?”… And—And the INCOME TAX! I don’t even want to think about it! (He walks away.) That’s it, I’m done. (Pause.) Can you tell me how to get home?39

LEP: Circle around the forbidden glen, go straight past the centaurs in their forbidden valley, then listen to the cyclops’ three forbidden knock-knock jokes, and they’ll take you wherever you need to go.40

(Exit MAN.)41

LEP (Turns to audience, touches nose): The old boy’s still got it.