Dreaming of You (Chapter Twenty-One: Strike the Root and the Tree Dies)

Belle shook me awake sometime very early in the morning. 1

"My back is fucking killing me." She whispered still half asleep.2

She looked like she'd had a rough night, her hair was a mess and sticking up at strange angles. Her eyeliner was smeared under her eyes and down her cheeks. But to me she was beautiful.3

"I'm going upstairs to bed. You coming?" 4

She didn't wait for me to answer. She headed out of the room and up the stairs like a zombie. I followed her, my muscles throbbing from sleeping sitting up for so long. 5

In her room she moved around with her eyes mostly shut, it was like watching a sleep walker as she turned down the bed, and took off her boots. She paid no attention to me what so ever, sleep was the only thing on her mind. 6

I sat on the edge of the bed and kicked off my shoes. While I sat there trying to decide whether to take my sock off or not, I saw a flash of creamy porcelain skin. My heart sped up and I felt like I couldn't breath. Belle had unbuttoned her shirt and thrown it aside. I felt like a voyeur, staring as she eased the skirt down her long legs. Clad only in her bra and panties she stood before me like a fucking goddess, the epitome of all that was gloriously female. My hands ached to run over all her curves, to commit them to memory.7

Then in a swoosh of black fabric she was covered. As quickly as she'd shed her clothes, she'd pulled a black t-shirt, my black t-shirt over her head. The fabric clung to her curves enhancing them as much as hiding them. 8

She flopped down on the bed face down and was dead to the world. I finished undressing and slid in beside her. I stared at the ceiling, visions of her near nakedness taunting me. 9

I tossed and turned, aching with arousal but refusing to awaken Belle. Then it hit me, a wave of exhaustion totally unnatural. Trying to fight it made me nauseous, so I gave in.10

I landed in the woods. The same woods as the first dream. Everything had come full circle. Belle sat on the same rock I'd seated myself. She sat waiting patiently smoking a cigarette.11

"I brought them with me this time." She smiled and handed me her pack.12

"Good thinking." I could already feel the terror building within me. 13

"It'll be okay." she took my hand in hers. "You can do this."14

"I don't think I can." I looked away from her. "I'm scared already. I'm not brave like you."15

She laughed at me, not a cruel laugh but still she was laughing. 16

"Do you really think courage means not being afraid?" My eyes challenged her to contradict me. She sighed. "Courage means doing what has to be done despite being afraid. Only fools know no fear. You're no fool, Gerard."17

She took my hand and led me towards the road. Once our bare feet hit the cool sand of the road, she paused.18

"Listen, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but...." Her voice stopped. Her mouth kept moving but no words came out. She looked up at me in shock. "You didn't hear any of that did you?" I shook my head. She stamped her foot in frustration. From annoyance to mischief, her expression changed in an instant. 19

"Let's see them circumvent this." She placed her right hand on my chest right over my heart and closed her eyes. 20

At first all I got were impressions and feelings. It was good to feel her pride in me, her love for me and her desire for me but I didn't see how it would help. I reached up and placed my hand over hers with the intention of removing it and telling her her trick didn't work. That's when I heard her, a whisper at first then stronger.21

"It's the hardest to deal with but the safest room. It's the hardest to deal with but the safest room." 22

My eyes fluttered open. I hadn't realized that I'd closed them. 23

"But it nearly killed you." I said out loud, startling us both.24

Belle dropped her hand and turned away from me.25

"No," she said, her voice shaking. "I nearly killed me."26

"I don't get it. Both Larry and Charlie said that house nearly killed you that you were in a coma from it."27

"That's what they think. They don't know the truth." I hugged her from behind and felt her stiffen.28

"What really happened, Belle?" I could feel her shaking under my embrace.29

"I failed the first time I went into that room. I was ejected and told I'd have to return later. I was told to get help. Instead, I tried to kill myself." She turned in my arms and looked into my eyes. "The coma was from a suicide attempt. After that I really did get help. I finally stood up to what was in that room, my mother. It was hard, so fucking hard but I did it. You can too. I'm here for you, and I'll help you as much as I'm able." I kissed her softly.30

"I love you, Belle."31

"I love you too, Gee." 32

We found ourselves standing on the front steps of the porch, still wrapped around each other.33

"Ahem. As cute as you two are, there's work to be done."34

"They are very cute together."35

"Cute won't help them here, Mrs. Rush."36

"I've told you before, Ty, call me Helena, or I'm going to start calling you Tyrone." 37

I looked away from Gee and saw Uncle Ty standing next to a little woman. Gee had her eyes and her smile. 38

"There's one thing they need first though."39

I looked at my uncle, confused.40

"They absolutely do." Helena agreed. She held out two pairs of pants to us. 41

I looked down and giggled. "I guess we are a little underdressed for the occasion."42

I pulled the pants on quickly. I was terribly embarassed to be standing in front of my uncle and Gee's grandmother in my underwear. Gee seemed unfazed. 43

"So, we do this now?" Gee asked. His voice was surprisingly calm despite the fear I felt rolling off of him. 44

Uncle Ty nodded, "That's right, you go in there and you do it. You'd damned well better do it right. We don't have the time to hang around here anymore. Things are, well things are happening that we need to attend to. If you fail this time, you go it alone next time."45

I squeezed Gee's hand.46

"You can do this." His hand was clamy in mine and I knew he was starting to panic.47

"All you need is a little faith, Gee-gee." That was from Helena. 48

He nodded and reached for the door knob. He flung the door open as quickly as he could manage with out ripping it off of its hinges. LIke pulling off a band-aid, I guess he thought the faster it was done the less it would hurt. 49

"One last thing," It was Uncle Ty that spoke. "There's a prize at the end of all of this, if you can manage to keep your shit together when things turn ugly."50

The spirit guides vanished from sight. 51

"Well then, I guess we'd better keep our eye on the prize." I knew the joke was lame before I said it, but I couldn't stop myself. It was killing me to see him so tormented. 52

He just shook his head, trying not to laugh. 53

"You're nu-" A sudden sharp tug shocked us both.54

We were in the basement. Before us stood my nemesis, Dark Belle in all her glory. She was cackling with glee. 55

I heard the witch like laugh and felt Belle stiffen. The shiver down my spine told me that she was here. The Belle that was not my Belle. Before my brain could even form a coherent thought, she wrenched me away from my Belle. Her embrace was cold, like being touched by the hand of death itself. 56

"We're going to have so much fun tonight." She whispered seductively in my ear. My involuntary reaction to her sickened me. A tunnel of darkness obscuredd my vision and began to close in on itself.57

"Get you hands off of my man!" My Belle's voice rang out clear through the swirling darkness, shattering it like fine crystal dashed against stone. An aura of comforting white light surrounded her. The light reached out and enveloped me, cloaking me from the evil minstrations of the Dark Belle. 58

Dark Belle hissed like a hell spawned feline and shrank back.59

"You will NOT make this any harder for him than it has to be." 60

The aura that surrounded us shrank back and concentrated itself in Belle's palm.61

"It's over for you!" The orb of light shot from my Belle's hand and enveloped Dark Belle. I watched in horror and fascination and Dark Belle shrieked and writhed in pain before being totally engulfed in the white light that I had found so comforting. 62

"What just happened?" I asked my Belle.63

"I finally let her go. I've clung to her for so long, but I couldn't let her hurt you." The white light returned to her, surrounding us both. 64

"Belle, she was evil. Why hold on to her for so long?"65

"She was strong, something I'd never felt that I was. So I kept her as a part of me, a small part granted, but still a part of me. I needed her."66

"And now you don't? Just like that?"67

Belle's laugh sounded sarcastic to my ears. 68

"Not just like that. Letting go is never easy but it's necessary. You couldn't succede if part of me was holding you back, dragging you down. That's what she was here for. So for you, I let her go. In letting her go, I found real strength. Thank you, Gerard."69

She hugged me breifly then pushed me from her. 70

"Now it's your turn. It's time you face the root of your problems. Cut the root and the tree dies, remember that." 71

I nodded and looked around the room. It was empty, shadow and damp.72

"Think back, Gee. Where does it all start?" 73

I thougth back. Was it the alcohol? Was it the drugs? What started it all?74

As I thought, images formed in the center of the room. Me passed out in my own vomit on the bathroom floor of some hotel room. The look of disappointment in my mother's eyes when I'd showed up trashed for Christmas. Mikey yelling at me out of fear, telling me that he'd washed his hands of me. 75

I thought back further and further until I was a child. As a child I was shy, but that wasn't what started all of this. I knew that. Belle's problems may have started with her mother, but mine didn't. I couldn't even try to pretend that any of this was my mother's fault or my father's. In thinking back, then forward again, I realized that I'd skipped something. Whether it was subconcious or purposful I don't know. It could have just been habit. I'd trained myself for so long not to think of that, not to think of her. 76

Slowly she began to emerge from my memories. A girl, just a girl. The girl that had set me on my path of self destruction. 77

"Who is she, Gerard?"78

I'd been so lost in my own thoughts and memories that I'd forgotten Belle was in the room. The last thing I wanted was for her to find out about this in this way, but the choice had been taken from me. 79

"Her name was Amanda. She was the first, the first everything to me."80

The vision from my past spoke up. Her voice was as sweet as I'd always remembered it.81

"Tell her our story, Gerard. Tell her and set me free."82

The part of me that I'd tried to cut from myself throbbed in raw pain when she spoke. It was over shadowed by Belle's voice. 83

"Set yourself free Gerard."84

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We met freshman year of high school. She sat next to me in biology. I fell in love with her from the very moment my eyes met hers that first day. I knew she was way out of my league. She was the preppy cheerleader type, and I, I was a loner even then. We rarely spoke, though I have to admit, she did try to engage me in small talk every chance she got. I just couldn't manage to form words when I was around her, that is until the teacher assigned us a huge project. 86

As the teacher explained it in detail, I could feel panic gripping me. We'd have to get together outside of school to work on it. I'd have to be alone with her, talk to her. Maybe even talk to her on the phone to set things up. 87

She teased me gently about how pale I looked, and how shakey I seemed. Joked that she didn't bite. 88

The project became an excuse in the end. We got together almost everyday. Shy small talk turned to deep converstation. Accidental bumps as we reached for things turned to holding hands under the table as we discussed the finer points of biology. 89

One day, I sat next to her, watching as she colored in part of the poster we were making. She looked up from her work and right into my eyes. 90

I leaned over and kissed her. My first kiss. 91

From there things moved quickly, the project was pushed to the side as things became more physical. 92

The first time we made love was as awkward as it was sweet. 93

After the first time, we were like honry little bunnies......for a while at least. That's around the time things started to go down hill. 94

It started the day she wasn't in school. She'd been fine the night before, distant but well. I worried about her throughout the day, calling her house at lunch but getting no answer.95

I was shocked to see her sitting on my front porch when I got home from school. 96

Her cheeks were tear stained and her shoulder shook from the effort to hold back her sobs. I asked her what was wrong and she tried to answer me, but sobs over took her and for a long time all she did was cling to me and cry. 97

I shooed Mikey into the house when he came home and held her as she sobbed. It was all I could think to do. When she had finally cried herself calm, that's when she told me.98

"Gee, I'm pregnant." I swear, my heart stopped for a full minute. 99

All I could tell her was that I was sorry. She asked me what we were going to do. I told her that I didn't know. That I'd need to talk things over with my mother. My mother would help us with whatever we decided. 100

Amanda left for home. 101

I paced the kitchen waiting for my mother to get home from work. I knew she would be disappointed, we were only fifteen after all, but she'd stand by us. 102

Pacing made me tired, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes for a minute. Too much stress, the sudden shock, I told myself as I drifted off to sleep. 103

I awoke days later, in the hospital. My father was standing over me, holding my mother. He was telling her that I was strong, that I was a fighter.104

I was extremely confused, and my neck ached so bad. I didn't understand any of it. I called out to them, but the words weren't coherent. 105

"It's okay, Gee-gee. Mommy's here. You got very sick. You're in the hospital." I could see tears of joy falling from her eyes.106

I drifted off again. The next time I awoke, I was much more coherent. I remembered that I was sick and that I was in the hospital. I asked my mother what had happened. I'd had a very high fever, from the mumps. I'd been in the hospital for over a week. Amanda had not come to see me. 107

I remembered the last time I'd seen her, what she'd told me. I wanted to talk to my mother about it but I was still very sick. 108

I didn't see Amanda until the last day I was in the hospital. She showed up as if summoned by angels. I'd just been talking to my doctor, you see and he told me....he told me that there was a something like 97% chance that because of the fever and the mumps that I couldn't have children. 109

It bothered me in a way. I'd always wanted a big family. But I also felt that I'd figured out god's plan. Amanda had gotten pregnant so that I could have at least one child before it was all taken from me. His gift for my loss. I tuned the doctor out and decided that I was going to devote my life to Amanda and the baby. Whatever I had to do, they were now my world. 110

I was so happy to see her that I didn't notice how distant she was. How detatched she'd become in two short week. It wasn't until I asked about the baby that I saw it. She stood up and stood staring out the window. 111

"Is something wrong with the baby?" I asked, terror whelling in my chest. 112

"There is no baby, Gerard. Not anymore." She toyed with the blind for a minute. "I had an abortion." 113

My world collapsed around me. I couldn't speak. She took my silence as a total rejection, though part of me understood why she'd done it. She left.114

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~115

"That was the last time I saw her." My throat felt dry. 116

"You're lying, Gerard." Amanda's voice floated to me from the ether. 117

"Tell the rest." Belle's voice was quiet but the command was still there. 118

"I saw her one last time. Months after I'd gotten out of the hospital. We met at a party. And, and I told her everything. How she'd killed my only hope of having a child of my own. How she was an evil person. How I hoped she'd die. I spewed venom at her in every way I could think of that night. I can't even say that I was drunk or stoned. I was just...destroyed." 119

"There's more. Don't hold back now. The hard part is almost over." Belle's white light surrounded me again, strengthening me. 120

"She killed herself a week later. Her best friend came up to me in school the day after the funeral and gave me her diary. I wanted to throw it out, to toss it aside like she'd tossed our baby aside. But I couldn't. I read it. And it was all my fault. Everything in there was about how hard it had been to decided to end the pregnancy, the depression that followed, that she thought of killing herself. There was one hopeful entery in there, what seemed to be the start of her recovery. It was made the night before the party. After that it got blacker and blacker. The last words were, I think I've suffered enough, don't you Gee?"121

The pain was so fresh, it was like all of this happened this morning. It overwhelmed me. It blocked out the comfort of Belle.122

"You did a terrible thing, Gerard." I looked up in shock at Belle, half expecting those words to have come from Dark Belle, but it was my Belle that stood beside me. "But you were in pain. You lashed out. That doesn't make it okay. It makes you human. You made a mistake, and you both paid a terrible price. Now finish it." 123

I looked up between the two women who'd meant so much to my life. The past and the present. I couldn't go on with the present until I finished the past. 124

"I'm so sorry, Amanda. This is all my fault. But I was hurting so bad, I didn't think I'd survive it." Amanda shook her head.125

"It's not all your fault. I have my share of the blame in all this. But I've forgiven you. I'm ready to move on. Can you say the same?"126

I looked over at Belle. She was so beautiful in every way. I couldn't carry this burden with me and give her all that she deserved. 127

"I forgive you Amanda. I understood from the beginning why you did what you did, all except the suicide. I understand now how someone can feel so lost and in so much pain."128

"Goodbye, Gerard. Be happy." She disappeared before my eyes. 129

The house faded around us and we were left standing in the field where it had sat. 130

"You did it."131

"It still hurts, you know."132

Belle's smile was sad. "I know, believe me I know." 133

She looked so sad standing there. 134

"Let's head home."135

I awoke next to Belle in her bed. Her back was to me. 136

"Are you all right, Belle?" She sighed and turned over. The tears on her cheeks surprised me.137

"I will be. It's just hard sometimes, the reminders."138

"I don't get it, Belle. Reminders of what?" 139

"Babies. I can't have them either, at least that's the working theory." She lifted the hem of the shirt she wore, and pointed to a small scar on her stomach. "The accident, the one that got me kicked out of the military and my team disbanded. It also left me unable to carry to term. A piece of the dummy bomb we were setting, it pierced my uterus. It's part of why Larry and I divorced. We wanted a child so badly, and I felt like such a failure everytime I miscarried. It destroyed us as a couple. Eventually I learned that I can make a difference in other ways. I moved on but there's a part of me that will always long to be somebody's mommy."140

I buried my face in her neck. Not sure of what I was going to say. I didn't need to say anything. 141

"Someday, I'm going to adopt, I think. Teenagers, older kids. The ones no one wants. I want them, I want them all. No one should grow up feeling unwanted and unloved."142

The change was dramatic. When I looked up again, she was radiant and smiling. 143

"Let's do that. Let's have a whole, baseball team, no a whole football team."144

She sat up suddenly.145

"You're speaking in terms of we." 146

I blushed. I hadn't meant to do it this way. I'd wanted it to be romantic and sweet. A real kodak moment. But this was the perfect chance and I wasn't going to let it get away.147

"Marry me, Belle. Be my wife and the mother to my football team of adopted kids."148

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I" She was hyperventillating slightly. 149

"Just say yes."150

"Yes!" She launched herself at me, both tackling me and hugging me at the same time. "Yes, yes yes, yes, yes. A million times yes. Forever yes."151

She kissed me, and I wasted no time rolling her under me. Pinning her with my lips with my body that wanted her so badly that I didn't have a choice but to make love to her right then.