In the middle of the forest, on the bank of a creek, sat a young woman. Her gray pullover and worn pants were camouflaged against the backdrop of crunchy autumn leaves. Cold mud seeped into the seat of her corduroys, but she didn’t get up.1
A tall, dark-haired man watched from across a quietly murmuring stream. The sunlight slanted through thin brown trees, reflecting against water and making it appear almost silver. The man stood partly hidden behind a tree. He watched tears tumble down her face. She was completely still; or were there very faint shudders sliding over her neck and shoulders, down her back?2
He stepped away from the tree and moved toward her, out of place in his tailored suit and shiny black shoes. Nature seemed to reject him. Rusty-gold leaves crackled noisily under his soles, and a chipmunk scampered through his wake. A chattering squirrel dropped acorns from above. He cleared his throat.3
She twisted very slowly, he waited to see her face, both knowing what they would see and yet growing fearful. Finally, briefly, their eyes met. He noticed three creases in her neck as she looked over her shoulder at him. He found them oddly adorable.4
Their eyes bore into the others and it seemed to be a stalemate. They both had beautiful pairs; his the color of a Caribbean sea at twilight, hers a deep coffee bean brown. Their gazes were equally intense; hers never flickered even as he moved closer, the tip of his shiny black shoe poking her back. He waited. Her breath let out, and then she was standing, long corduroy legs stepping away. One more neck-creasing peek over her shoulder and she disappeared through the trees.5
Inexplicably, it started to rain. Wet, gray lines slashed into his well-made suit and coated his fine hair. One tear slid out of a navy blue eye and melted with the rain onto the olive skin below.
Author notes
[Contest stuff:
Twilight
I'm 16 and my favorite cookie is white chocolate macademia.
http://storywrite.com/story/246064 "Oh no! That's never fun to find. (: It was an action-packed start, it will be interesting to see what happens next. (:
There were a few grammar things, a few misplaced commas, or missing punctuation marks, little capitalization errors, small things like that. (:
The opening paragraph has pretty imagery, but it's a bit of a run-on sentence. It would be more concise if you parsed it into fewer sentences. For instance, "Her feet dragged along the ocean shore. Beside her, the waves crashed, sending the strong scent of sea salt up her nose. She tripped and stumbled, jarring back the memory of the night before."
Obviously, it's your writing and I'm not trying to encroach on that or put words in your mouth. It was just in example of how a sentence can make a big difference.
Can't wait to see more! (:
"
Picture prompt: 11) http://ohsophisticated.deviantart.com/art/rain-100495884 My favorite place to go is Bermuda.
Option 2, autumn. lolt
Something clever 
That's the best I got Tay-Tay (: ]
I took the beginning of an old story...a little past line 1, and then I tweaked that and wrote the rest just now. I'm impulsive and sometimes strange when I write at night, so be sure to tell me what you think! Thanks for reading (:
I was channeling Daniel Craig as James Bond a little in the main character. (: Mostly the suit, not the sentiment. He wasn't there to kill her.
A contest entry
- Paint Me a Picture by crazy.hott.salsa.
155 points, ended December 19, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Enter whatever by Celestial Rose.
270 points, ended January 14, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sunsets and Silhouette Dreams by Eddie.
950 points, ended June 10, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Time for the shorts by Silver Dancer.
150 points, ended January 17, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Walk the Walk by LadyLionnir.
1600 points, ended January 28, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - *Shh* No talking! by GuitarShank.
350 points, ended February 13, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good writing... by Lois.Stone.
350 points, ended February 25, 70 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - STORIES, POEMS, ANYTHING! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
350 points, ended February 13, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - {MAXIMUM....EMOTIONS} by Rose Hathaway.
130 points, ended March 15, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me jealous! by Lois.Stone.
1300 points, ended March 24, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Amaze me.... by Raining.Fire.
100 points, ended April 13, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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That was awesome! You were very descriptive! Thanks for entering!
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You painted an amazing picture in my head, and I loved it. Thanks for entering!
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Wonderful imagery, but lacking on actual story. Maybe I'm missing something here but why did she go away? It has potential to become an intriguing and perhaps beautiful story.
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This is done very well. I could feel the tension, passion and desire between the two people. You gave me a strong sense of emotion and the imagery was wonderful. The only thing you could have done better would be maybe a tender moment at the end, like a kiss, just to finish things off nicely rather than just leaving them there. I liked this. Thanks for entering!
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This is really well written with intrigue and mystery. Thank you so much for entering my contest..
~Souls
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hm...
thank-you for your entry i will be reviewing all of the finalists momentarily! -
Thank you for entering! Beautifully described, and detailed. I would like to read more!
Loisxx -
Nice. Very cute, nice description, great emotion coming from this piece, with neither of the characters even speaking too!
Good write. Thanks for entering
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The comment you wrote was quite sincere and provided examples of what you mean about the run-on sentences. That's a good bonus. Also, you softened the blow with a comment and everyone likes compliments as well as ways to improve! Great work. You definitely caught my attention and I might just read the story you commented on.
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Great! (: It's a quick read and a cliffhanger. Best of both worlds
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Congrats on the GOLD trophy! You definitely painted a very vivid picture using the five senses and beautiful word choice. I liked the quick moment shared between your characters; it was all monologue, but the connection was conveyed well. My favorite part:
"He noticed three creases in her neck as she looked over her shoulder at him. He found them oddly adorable."
Something so small like that does provoke certain emotions and attraction. Great work! However; you left out the CRUCIAL second part and if you don't include it, I'll be forced to disqualify you. I'll be back to see if you have updated this!
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ok. ok.. ok... i could see it all so clearly in my head so... so... clear i loved this
good luck in my contest and thanks for entering
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Okay, never mind.
This was absolutely stunning. I don't really know what to say that wasn't mentioned by Ary. Thanks so much for entering! Finalist
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Please read the rules again before I can comment properly. You forgot something
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wow
Beautiful! Amazingly and stunningly beautiful~ I am speechless!
-Lissy
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That was beautiful! Some people are no fan of one-scene-stories, in which the characters remain a big mystery. Most of my stories are like that, so I get quite a few comments about it. But I myself am quite a fan of them (duh, I write them myself xD)
I love the mystery.. Who is she? Why is she sitting there? Who is the guy? What is their relationship? You described enough to tickle my interest, but left out enough to keep it mysterious. A well-balanced... balance (yeah, I'm a magician with words, I know). Your descriptions are very good too and unlike me, you seem to have mastered the art of word-sorcery.
I didnt notice anything that bothered me about spelling or grammar, which is a big pro. Thank you for entering this cool piece, and I wish you the best of luck!
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This was beautiful, my dear, although some of the phrasing seems a bit awkward. I am not used to seeing that from you.
"In the middle of the forest, sitting on the bank of a creek, sat a young woman."
We don't need to be told twice that she is sitting. Maybe "A young woman sat beside a creek in the middle of the forest."?
I did love "Nature seemed to reject him," though.
Best of luck!
<3 Wes
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You know what...that is the SECOND time I got that note. *off to change it now* Thanks (:
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That was gorgeous! Especially with the title and everything. Very nice imagery. Excellent story.
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The things you do for my ego.
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This is really good, and I can just see this forest. Great job, and good luck in the contest.
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Very good.
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Oh, how sad...I like it a lot though.
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cool
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Ummm..........
I don't want to rain on your parade, Bee, but this needs a bit of attention. In the overall scheme of things, it's not too bad, but syntax and grammar need tidying.
"In the middle of the forest, sitting on the bank of a creek, sat a young woman."
Just read that through. You either need to drop the "sitting" or the "sat". I'd drop sitting, it's up to you.
"Her faded red sweatshirt and worn blue jeans were camouflaged against the backdrop of crunchy autumn leaves."
Again, red is the loudest colour in the spectrum, and while I accept the premise that some autumn leaves are reddish, no way would a red shirt fade into the background. Blue isn't a regular colour in the woods, except maybe in spring time when bluebells, harebells, gentian and so on are around.
"Cold mud seeped into the seat of her jeans, but she didn’t get up."
If you were going to sit and cry, I suspect you'd find somewhere you could do it in comfort; sorry, but human nature's like that. And, forgive me mentioning this, but if you'd ever sat in mud long enough for it to seep through your clothes, it argues catatonia, which would preclude weeping.
Para 2) "A tall, dark-haired man watched from across a quietly murmuring stream. It looked almost silver in the sunlight slanting through the thin brown trees." Join these two sentences together, lose the full stop, substitute a comma, replace "It" with "which", and the sentence flows, just like the stream!
"He stood in profile, partly hidden behind a tree." Bee, you're too good a writer to produce this sort of nonsense. He might be partly hidden, he might be in profile to an observer, but put those together and you've got a nonsense.
Para 3) "Rusty-gold leaves crackled noisily under his soles, and a chipmunk scampered through them." Careful, Bee, this looks as if the chipmunk scampered through the soles of his shoes. I know what you mean, and so would your readers, but it's clumsy.
"A chattering squirrel dropped acorns from above. He cleared his throat." Again, this sounds as if the squirrel cleared his throat. Same problem. Make sure you don't misrelate your participles.
Para 4)"He noticed, oddly, three creases in her neck as she looked over her shoulder at him and he found them adorable." This is clumsy, and badly structured. Read it aloud. Why not, "As she looked over her shoulder at him, he noticed three creases in her neck and, oddly, he found them adorable"
Para 5) "They both had beautiful pairs of eyes; his the color of a Caribbean sea at twilight, hers a deep coffee bean brown." Again, I know what you mean, but this is badly structured. They EACH had beautiful eyes, his the colour of..., hers...." This is such a beautiful piece of imagery it deserves to be properly presented, OK?
"Their gazes were equally intense, hers never flickered even as he moved closer and the tip of his shoe touched her back."
Full stop after "intense". Why should she allow him to touch her back with her shoe? And how can eyes not flicker whilst crying? Details are important!
"Her breath let out, and then she was standing, long denim legs stepping away." Please, don't do this. It reads as if her breath let out something, as if she spewed something; why not "She exhaled slowly, rising to her feet, long denim-clad legs stepping away." Note the "clad", since legs aren't made of denim!
This is a very atmospheric and mysterious vignette. You must use language very carefully in this kind of piece, otherwise you can ruin the whole thing. These are my suggestions, because I think this is a very good piece of writing which just needs tweaking; let me know what you think
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It seems that every time you give me a critique that's less than glowing...I buck against it in the name of open-mindedness...and then come back a few days later with cooled pride to find that you were right. I'm smiling sheepishly right now. (: Thanks for putting up with me! (I made changes.)
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VERY NICE!
Very Descriptive, well written, overall great. I could not ask for a better entry! I mostly like that you didnt tell me, YOU SHOWED ME! and it was most deffinatly impressive. PERFECT! It fit in with the contest perfectly!
GOOD LUCK!
Salsa
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WOWOWOWOWOW! WOWA!
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
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