Bad Karma

I think I’m a bad person. It’s not that I’ve actually done something wrong, it’s just the things I think about. One week I walked around with the urge to push a little kid down on a concrete floor just to watch him cry. Normal people don’t have thoughts like that. Maybe they do. I mean, everyone has their little secrets, right? I like to think about kicking random people in the shins and then running away while other people like to...well, some people are just sick and this really isn’t the place to be discussing their habits, is it? 1

The Buddhists believe in something called karma. It’s like this big bank that counts up all of the things you’ve done with good intentions or bad intentions. I don’t think I’ve done many of either; I kind of just hang out and put up a minimal amount of effort for everything in my life. Of course, I still have those thoughts. 2

So like I was saying about karma. After you die, the Buddhists say, your karma determines what form you take in your next life. If you have bad karma you might come back as a frog or an ant; if you have good karma you could come back as a god or human. The way I’ve lived my life I think I’ll come back as an amoeba or maybe a leaf, something boring and easy to ignore. Not to say I don’t have any friends or people ignore me constantly. I have plenty of friends, seriously. Like my friend Lauren, for example. 3

"What are you doing, Sara?" 4

"I’m painting, what the hell does it look like I’m doing?" 5

"You know, it really looks like crap." 6

"Thanks, Lauren." 7

"No really! It looks like he has down syndrome, just look at his eyes!" 8

"That’s just the rough sketch, I’m painting over it moron." 9

"Jesus, you don’t have to be so rude about it." 10

Rude? Me? Wasn’t she the one who started off telling me how horrible my painting was? If she had just shut the hell up I wouldn’t have said anything to her; but she just had to keep moving those disgusting lips of hers. But yeah, like I said, I’ve got friends. A quantity of friends just not quality. 11

I believe life is just made up of a million different moments where you have to reevaluate yourself. Whenever I reach a new phase in my life, I realize how wrong I am about absolutely everything. I used to believe being an individual meant doing everything you possibly could to be different from everyone else, but where does that take you? I spent so much time worrying about being "original" that I forgot who I was, and I’ve spent the last six years looking for that girl again. I thought I finally started to get it right this year. Instead of striving to be different, I’m striving to be me. This is actually harder than you might think. I spent all of middle school and the last three years of high school trying to impress people, never once stopping to think what would actually make me happy. Now I have to switch back to functioning on my own terms 12

I just had a new image in my head, I think this one is the worst of all of them. Say you decide to take a bunch of young kids to see Peter Pan. Now say these kids don't have any arms or hands. It's a charity gig, obviously. But then you get to the part of the play where Peter stands up and shouts:13

"Clap if you want to save Tinker Bell! CLAP!" 14

The entire room would remain silent.15

"Please Lord, clap! It's the only way to save her! Why won't you save dear Tinker Bell? How can a child's dream come true now? How can young children yearning for the chance to fly away to Never Never land earn their wings?"16

That’s when the crying starts. Maybe one of the aids starts screaming something about cruelty for some poor cripple kids, then the actors get booed offstage. Those kids would have to carry that with them for the rest of their lives, but it would be comic gold to witness! 17

I told that story to my friend Brad. Apparently, he didn’t find it as humorous as I did.18

"Sara, that’s just sick." 19

"What are you talking about? That’s hilarious!" 20

"No, no it’s really not."21

"Screw you Brad, that’s great." 22

Well that’s another coin for the wrong side of the Karma bank, I’m one step closer to being an amoeba. 23

I used to be a really angry person. I would get mad just because the world wasn’t perfect for me. I’d God why he’d messed up everything in my life. I learned a few years later that my life has nothing to do with God. How could I honestly think he would care about the minuscule things happening in my life? I don’t think God cares about anyone. Maybe that’s a bit crude. I think God cares, I just don’t think he can do anything. If there is a God, of course. Most of my "philosophies on life" seem to start off with, "If this is true, than this is also true." 24

For the most part, I believe God just sits around and watches as we kill ourselves and hurt each other and learn from our mistakes over and over again. He might care, he might not; either way he can’t do a thing about it. God can only sit around, observe, and hope we’ll stop screwing each other long enough to give a good, "Hail Jesus." every once in a while. 25

Like I said earlier, that’s my "philosophy on life" if God is real. If the Buddhists are right, then there wouldn’t be a God watching over us. I guess we’d just be watching over each other. That philosophy actually makes me feel better than some "all powerful" being sitting around, eating fish, and whining when people don’t give him a big, "Praise God!" once a week. I like the idea that everyone on earth is made up of the same basic things: carbon and consciousness. Mostly consciousness, because underneath everything we are there is something so much more. Where do our thoughts come from? How is it that things can be alive? It just blows my mind! So anyway, everyone on earth is running around, treating each other like crap, but we all want the same things! Happiness, love, understanding, knowledge. Everyone fights to keep their own two feet on the ground. It’s fantastic!26

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and try not to get swept off my feet as time rushes past me. There are so many different stories going on in everyone’s life, so many threads, and I’ll never even learn half of them or even half of the half of them. It’s crazy! And even after you die, things just keep on going! Your life doesn’t mean anything! One thousand years from now every trace of you will be gone. Unless you’re Julius Caesar, no one will ever pause to think about you. 27

Buddhists have this idea that nothing in the world is real. That everything was basically created out of "earthly desires", like jealousy and greed. There wasn’t a God to create the world, we did it with our joint consciousness. That’s crazy isn’t it? Funny thing is, it makes more sense to me than some guy saying to himself, "I’m kind of bored. Why don’t I create some light and maybe a chunk of rock over here." 28

Look at it like this, can you really prove anything is actually real? What is "real," anyway? The chair you’re sitting in right now...how do you know it’s real? Yeah, you can feel it, but other than the fact that you’re sitting on it, can you PROVE it’s really there? If you leave the room and go to Canada or something is the chair still real? Do things really exist when you’re not there? Do people really exist when they’re not in your life? I may be crazy, but I can’t help but wonder that sometimes. I guess I still have that selfish idea that the world revolves around me. Nothing really matters except for the things which effect my life. 29

Something really strange happened to me yesterday. I was sitting outside of school and my friend Chris walked up to me. He sat down and didn’t say anything. Then I noticed his red eyes, he had been crying. 30

"Chris, I-is something wrong?" 31

That was a stupid thing to say.. I swear to God, I would ask someone if something was wrong if they had just slashed their wrists with a razor and just sat and bled in front of me.32

"Nothing is wrong. I’m just tired." 33

"Chris! Seriously, what’s wrong?" 34

"I don’t know" 35

"Look, I know you walked over here because something is bothering you and you want to whine about it, so when I ask you what’s wrong why don’t you just come out and tell me? I don’t feel like spending twenty minutes trying to badger it out of you." 36

"I don’t know why I ever bother talking to you, Sara." 37

I don’t know either. Sometimes I just want to smack people and tell them to stop whining and at least attempt to make their life better, because God sure as hell isn’t going to do it. People put too much faith in the idea that God’s going to save them from everything. He’s only got about five billion other people who probably need a lot more help than they do. You can’t take anything too seriously, especially life. In my life I just hang out, play some guitar, and let things work themselves out. Everyone spends too much time looking around for the "meaning of life" and "life after death" and all of that crap.38

"Why does there have to be a point? Why can’t we just live?" 39

I’m having a discussion with my English class. We just finished reading one of those philosophic books, and now we’re trying to come up with our own meaning for existence.40

"Don’t you just get tired of it sometimes? Always trying to find some "reason" for everything in life?" 41

"Sara, everyone has to put up some effort to find a reason for living. Otherwise, why live at all?" 42

That was my teacher, she’s an alright person but a little uptight. One of those church moms you know?43

"I don’t mean you don’t have to try to find happiness. I’m just saying people spend way too much time trying to see the big picture. Why does there have to be a big picture at all? Why can’t things just be as they are?" 44

"Well why don’t you enlighten us, Sara?" 45

"I’m just saying, does there really have to be a meaning? Life is just a game. There’s no God or faith or heaven or hell in it. God doesn’t really care, he simply has a ‘loving indifference’ towards us. We just have to find what beauty there is in life while we can. We have to find one thing to hold on to when things get bad, and we hold onto that string for dear life until the storm clears and we can see reason again." 46

"Well that’s a lovely little philosophy you have there, Sara, but I doubt it will stand up to Rousseau or Sophocles."47

You know what I think about that? I say screw Rousseau and screw Sophocles. My ideas make me feel better about my life. Why do I have to try to make my beliefs fit with anyone else’s? What does it matter to them if I can’t believe in God or if I make up my own philosophies? I just wish people would stop interfering and let me figure out what makes me happy. During sophomore year, I had these "friends" literally back me into a corner so they could preach at me. 48

"Why can’t you believe in God Sara?" 49

"Yeah Sara, you need to go to church." 50

"Why the hell do I have to go to church?" 51

"Because you need some spirituality in your life. You need Jesus." 52

Now tell me, what do Jesus or church have to do with spirituality? The Buddhists are doing just fine without Jesus, and they don’t need a church to sit around and meditate in. Jesus had some great ideas and all, but he was still just a guy. Just a guy walking around, eating fish, and talking to some people. I think that’s a better vision of Jesus than some sweaty guy hanging off a cross. Like I said, he had some great ideas, but I don’t see how dreaming about some perfect being makes anyone feel better. I mean, I’m not perfect, so how can I expect to go to heaven? I don’t know about Jesus being the son of God, but even if he was, I still think he’s just a man. That was the whole point right? That Jesus was faced with the same temptations that we are, I even like to think that Jesus fell to temptation every once in awhile.53

He was a revolutionary. He made a lot of people angry by not observing the Sabbath, what was that whole story about picking up some guy’s mat? The whole idea of Jesus being hung on the cross was, "Even a sinner like me can go to heaven." He didn’t come here to start a religion. He came to smack people in the face and say, "Stop being a jerk!" Anyway, that’s just what I think.54

I used to have a real problem with religion. I might sound cynical about it now, but believe me, I’m just realistic. I used to be really angry about it, because I thought people who didn’t agree with me were just dumb. Now I’ve realized that for some people, putting themselves one hundred percent into their religion helps them get through life, just like being a cynical jerk helps me get through mine. You can’t hate people just because they don’t agree with you. Sometimes I envy those who can have complete faith in God, because I’ll never be able to do that. I’ve tried in the past, and it’s just not for me. I question too much and I disagree with too many things. So I just live my life with my cut-and-paste religion. I try to shut myself off from the world so that I don’t have to feel any pain. I bury myself inside books and music when things get rough, like that line in the Paul Simon song, "I am a Rock". 55

"I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room, safe within my room. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock. I am an island." 56

I used to think that was a really positive song about standing up for yourself or something like that. Then I actually looked at the words and realized how sad it is. Maybe I should let myself open up a little more. Just a little bit at a time. If I go too fast and something hits me, I’ll probably never let myself out again, but if I just move slowly I’ll be alright. Someday I’ll be able to live without turning myself off anytime something difficult comes around. Then maybe I’ll be able to comfort my friends when they need help or talk to my parents. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get to stay in a relationship and have it work out for once. Wouldn’t that be a surprise! Ah hell, what does it really matter? I’ll get tired of trying again and feel like a failure, but then I’ll pick myself back up. I’ll just find my string to hold on to and some day I’ll see reason again. 57

That was all said with the best of intentions, so put another coin in the karma bank because I’m one step ahead of an amoeba now. Perhaps I’ll be a blade of grass in my next life, or58

even a tree. Whatever happens, I just have to keep trying. 59