Sometimes, you never forget

There’s some things in life you never forget. Sometimes, we remember stuff like the wind in your hair on a summers day. I think that’s because what we crave, and we crave it most when were not getting it - when it’s the dead of winter, and the winds are harsh and strong and the rains falling and you are freezing.1

Well, I can say one thing for certain I will never forget Will. The memories may have been long ago, and god do I crave them. But I will never forget, because to forget is like it never really happened. And my life is nothing without him. 2

Will, is beautiful. In my eyes at least. He may not be a prince, or a vampire. He may not know exactly how I’m feeling without me saying it, and sometimes he doesn’t shower. But I don’t care. Because I love him. 3

I love the way his hair always covered up one of his eyes, and the way he casually flicked it back. I love the way he stands, one hand in his pocket, and the other round my waist. I love the way, his green eyes go murky when he’s about to cry. I love his casual look, with jeans and yesterdays hoodie, which is always so warm. I love his laugh, when I get stressed, and I love the way his lips are so soft. 4

I am dead inside. When you are like this, your heart doesn’t just break. You do. From now on, I’m broken and I know I can never be fixed again. One half of you stays strong, for your mum, for your little brother. The other half, is crazy, and mad and depressed. It weeps stupidly when you see his picture, it throws plates when you think of what he said, and it makes you hate yourself.5

See, true love never does run smooth. It didn’t for Romeo and Juliet and it didn’t for Bella and Edward. But, I don’t care about them, all I care about is him. And he’s not here anymore, so who do I care for now? Is it okay to still love someone when they’re never around?6

Because Will died. He fucking went and got run over by a car. Why didn’t he just go to the zebra crossing? Why didn’t he look? Why didn’t he stay with me instead of going to Sam’s stupid party? 7

You will never understand how much it hurt when I saw him. He was in the hospital bed, almost green in colour, like the walls of the sickly room. His breathing was shaky, his eyes were heavy and his voice was hoarse. His face was so bruised he couldn’t smile when he saw me, he couldn’t move - almost.8

I ran to him, and I said I was sorry, sorry for being stupid earlier, sorry that drunk driver ran him over, sorry that his time was almost out….sorry for even thinking that. 9

I kissed his shaking hands, his tender lips, his purple eyelids. Then he whispered my name, I almost didn’t hear it. “Jane…”10

“What is it? Oh Will” I was crying, I took his hand and I looked into his murky green eyes…11

“I love you…” he made a painful expression like it was hurting. “Never…think…any different.”12

A silent tear slid down my cheek. I leaned forward to his ears, and whispered “I will always love you Will, never think any different.”13

I watched as his heavy purple eyelids blinked, and groaned. I lay my hand gently on his face.14

“Its okay, I’m here. And I will always be here.” 15

Then I watched his murky green eyes fade away.16

And that was the end. The end of his life. The end of my life. I waited for a long time for him to come back. I was stubborn and angry and numb and every other emotion someone feels when their life vanishes before their eyes. I screamed, and I wouldn’t leave. Not even when the strong doctor pulled me away hours later. How could I leave him?17

I went out that night and I let the anger get the better of me, I went home to a empty house and took those plates and threw them at the wall. I smashed photos. I kicked all the milk bottles. I went upstairs and ripped up all my love poems.18

The anger never goes away. Sometimes its too much, I couldn’t handle it that night, I went to hospital for a broken hand. 19

The funeral wasn’t the most painful thing. It was the waiting…I hold onto my phone at night, sobbing, begging him to ring me and tell me it was okay…that he was alive. But he never did. 20

The funeral was all arranged by his mother. I just turned up in some jeans and one of his hoodies. I sat at the front, and his dad held my hand. The world watched me as I stood before his family and I held the crumpled photo of US. I cried, and they barely understood a word I said. I collapsed down crying, as the harsh truth came to me. There was no more US. Me and him meant US. Now it was just ME. And I felt alone and scared.21

After that, the doctors have subscribed me with depression, my Mum says I’m grieving. I take the pills, and I sometimes make a effort. But I don’t see why I should. My life was over as soon as that driver drove into Will. Is it worth it making a effort when you know that your life will never be the same again?22

I don’t think so.23