Chapter one; 1
The wind blew through the cold damp street, small shops of all sorts were now all closed and locked and all the owners now asleep in their beds.2
A row of lights ran down the path, a girl stood at the corner, light shining down onto her small figure. She stared out into the darkness as the cool winds dragged her long black hair around her face.3
Looking down at the cement walkway a slight chill ran down her back, pulling her wrist up she looked at the time, she sighed softly then lifted her head up once again to stare down into the darkening streets. 4
Suddenly lights shone from around the corner and the sound of squeaky brakes filled the soundless space. She bent down and grabbed the suitcase that was standing beside her, hoping that this time the bus had finally decided to show. A smile crossed her face before once again a disappointed look clouded over it and she dropped her suitcase once again. 5
The old van came around the corner, slowly reaching the young girl. She stepped back as it came to a halt in front of her, her breath caught in her throat as she looked the stranger in the eye.6
“Can I help you?” she asked as he got out of his vehicle, he smiled slightly7
“Sarah Johnson?” he replied, ignoring her first question, she looked down in surprise then back up, 8
“Whose asking?” her voice was shaky but she held her posture, a short grunt was giving as an answer and she stepped back again as he came forward.9
She gasped loudly as he moved quickly, covering her mouth with his hand he pulled her back towards his van.10
Comments
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Good start. But you descriptions seem choppy too me. It didn't flow and almost seemed forced. Also i know this is just chapter one, but its still incomplete. You basically have a short statement of Sarah Johnson getting taken into the car. It doesn't suspend us into the story because we don't get emotionally involved. Maybe a short back-story of Sarah before you go to real time. Or even why she was out that day and what for. We need to connect to Sarah before we get upset she's taken away. I really hope this didn't come out harsh it wasn't intended that way.
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Ohhh omg suspensful



I wanna read more, this was so well done. When were you writing this? Good to know you still are writing.
Vans are omnious things are they not hehe (:
keep it up gorjus ^^



