Leaving You

The knife rested in my hand. I glanced outside, the snow falling softly, resting on the ground. I looked to my phone, still silent. I set the knife down next to me, standing up to go to the window. The driveway, empty, same as my heart.1

Feelings pulled me from all directions and I struggled to not cry. These past few days were really taking a toll on me and I almost couldn't bear it. Every time he called, he sounded upset at me for wanting a better life. I couldn't blame him. It's what he wanted all his life but he never reached out to take it, always coming up with some lame excuse.2

I walked back over to my bed and picked the knife up. I carved a heart into my arm, letting the blood splash onto the floor. Tears followed soon afterwards and I found myself shaking. My phone rang, causing me to drop the knife on the floor.3

I reached for it, looking at the number. I wiped away the few remaining tears and tried to suck it up so he wouldn't notice it.4

"Hello?" I asked.5

"What's wrong?" he asked.6

"Nothing, I'm fine. Why did you call?" I said, trying not to let it all come spilling out.7

"Why won't you tell me what's going on? Did something happen, do I need to come over there? I don't want to be left in the dark," he said quickly.8

"Nothings wrong. I'm just fine. What do you want, I'm busy doing homework," I said, lying before I could stop the words from spilling out.9

"I'm on my way over. I just thought I'd let you know. I thought you remembered, because I was going to take you out for dinner tonight. I'll see you in a little bit," he said, disappointment ringing in his voice.10

"Okay, see you when you get here," I whispered, hanging the phone up.11

I tossed it onto my bed, reaching down to pick up the knife. I walked to the bathroom, cleaning the new cuts under hot water. I rinsed the knife off and slipped it in my pocket. I walked over to the bathtub and turned the water on. I took my socks off, followed by the rest of my clothes and set them on the counter While the tub filled up, I went to my room, found a pad of paper and pencil, and scribbled down a note to James. 12

I set the note on my clothes and lowered myself into the tub, making sure I locked the bathroom door first. The water stung, steam rose and greated me, pulling me down into the water.13

Turning the water off, I laid there, listening to the quiet creaks of the house. After a few minutes of deliberating, I plunged my body under the water, holding my breath as long as I could.14

My lungs burned and I couldn't hold my breath any longer. I surfaced and took a deep breath. Someone knocked on the door and I dove under the water again. The handle jiggled and I struggled to stay under the water. The door busted open and James walked in.15

"Lily!" he cried.16

He rushed over to the tub and pulled me out of the water. I coughed, puking on the floor. I heaved breath after breath in, choking and spitting bile out. He grabbed a towel and covered me up. I collapsed on the floor next to him, shaking. 17

"What were you thinking?" he exclaimed.18

I looked at him, tears in his eyes. I coughed some more, my lungs hurting. He wrapped the towel around me and held me close, trying to calm my shaking body. My breaths came ragged and shallow and my body ached.19

"How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked.20

"Who... cares," I mumbled, still weak.21

"Listen to me, there is no way I'm letting you do this to yourself. You mean the world to me," he said.22

I sighed and looked away from, the man I thought I wanted to marry. He once meant so much to me but now, I wasn't so sure. Lately, all we do is argue, and he even yelled at me, which is something he's never done. I just want this to all stop. I almost made it stop, but of course, he's always had bad timing.23

"I just wanted it to stop," I whispered. 24

"Hunny, what's really going on? Why didn't you tell me you were thinking about that?" he asked.25

"I didn't know you even cared anymore. You never act like you do. I figured you were the only one who ever did, and if you didn't care anymore then nobody else would," I said.26

"Oh, hunny. How could you think that? I love you and nothing you ever do is going to change that. Now, let's get you into some clothes. Did you eat anything today?" he said.

"No. I haven't been hungry in days. Will you help me up?" I said. He stood up, picking me up by my waist. I stood up, wobbly at first. I reached for my clothes but James grabbed them from me. I reached for his support and found his arm already waiting. He helped me to my bedroom, throwing my clothes in the basket at the edge of my bed. He gathered some clothes for me and helped me get dressed.

"You have to promise me you're never going to do that again. You really scared me. I worry about you enough as it is. I really don't want to worry that if I call you, you're not going to pick up the phone because your half dead. Please, can't you just stay for a little longer," he said, concern written on his face.

"Help me and I will. I can't do this alone. I need you there," I said.

"Of course I'll help you. That's part of my job, to keep you heathly and happy. Right now you're neither so that's something I need to work on. I promise you I'll always be there for you," he said.

I sighed and cuddled up next to him, his warmth spreading to me. He petted my head, gently rubbing my back. I felt myself falling asleep in his arms, knowing he'd never let anything bad happen to me.