Icy Wasteland

I make my way across the winter wasteland, my heart weeping in its chamber. The sky is shrinking to a deep stormy gray, the bladed snow slicing my worn out shoes. The field in which I run is dry in its burning cold… how much longer can I go on for? The wind howls in my ears, as the cold starts caressing my every limb. The lifeless water sucks my helpless body into its watery grave. 1

* * *2

The morning lights shine through the dark attic window. My eyes slowly open, the winters cruel grip seeping into the gnawed walls. Shadow, my spider companion, lies dusty under the shredded wood. May his dear soul rest in peace. Shadow, the last sense of joy I had, had been taken from me, Gods cruel hand stoke him under the dim light. 3

People underestimate my deformed glares from my small window, but soon the world would share my pain. I will go out and show them my power, show them my cruel heartless abuse I have been subjected to. But father doesn’t care. He tells me that I’m worthless, that I’m kept away for a reason- I am bewitched by the devil. Maybe if he stops hurting me, the devil will go away; maybe my eyes will turn cloudy blue like mothers. But dreams are nothing like reality. Thinking of blue burns my heart. I feel as if all the colors I see are mossy green and grey, spreading on the peeling attic walls, spreading in my mind. 4

I spy a shivering mouse, hiding from my hideous shadow cast upon it. Usually my food is already dead, but my stomach groans in hunger. I bring my sharp claws to the wreck, but I see my father’s hand of wrath smite upon me. How can I be so like him? Food will wait, it’s been waiting for days. Mr Mouse looks hungry, he investigates Shadows burned body, but I will not allow him to be eaten. 5

Father thinks I’m dead, because he strangled me hard. I pretended to die and fall lifelessly to the ground, as he dumped me in the ice-cold lake. That happened last winter. Because of my monstrous features, I went back home, climbing on the timber walls, to my attic. I know my body lived on, but my heart began to fade away. He is rarely home anymore, but I hear his car roar early in the morning and late at night. Nobody comes here anymore, we live so far away. But still I hear voices, all the time. 6

Tody I will definitely venture out. Into a world that used to be mine. His car engine hums its haunting tune; I know he must be leaving the house. I must be free, I am desperate. I take a step out of my attic; the light pierces my devil eyes. I feel a deep throbbing in my veins as the high squeals of my childhood pulsate in my ears. Mother walks to my softly, her cool fingers stroking my burned hand. 7

‘My baby’ she soothes me ‘I’m here, don’t worry’8

Within a flash my mothers white dress is soaked with crimson red, her corpse rotting on the carpet where she lies. 9

‘My baby’ she warns, ‘you must leave this house. Your father really loves you, so do I. but leave, as you are in danger’ she whispers as she fades like a teardrop in the rain. I yearn for mothers loving touch as flashes of my fairy-tailed childhood revolve around my mind. Mother is right, I’m sure father loves me, but the evil ghost in me, lies deep within him. I keep walking down the wooden hallway, flashes of my dead brothers and sisters spill down the walls. My heart keeps throbbing as I continue to walk down the hallway. 10

A green fog entrances me as I lie on the cold floor panting as the spirits stab holes in my stomach. I do not cry. Soon drowning in my own crimson blood and gasping for air, I find myself healing. I reach the stairways, only to find thousands of cases, leading in all directions. I walk to the one leading downwards, only to find a noose around my neck, my boneless body hanging motionless. Within a flash, I flop to the floor again, my scarred neck melting. My hand is on fire, the stinging hell consumes me whole. Mother appears again, somewhat angry at me.11

‘I have told you Baby, to turn off the oven. I told you… and now you burn’ she flies into the distance, leaving me all alone. 12

Is any of this real? I am torn between appearance and reality… how can this be? The place begins to turn icy cold, as father’s deep car honks its way into the driveway. I run into the snowy plains, my burned hand now falling off from frostbite. 13

***14

I shuffle till my body turns still. Father and mothers hands let me go, deep down into the frozen lake. I realize I love alone, cold in my watery grave. My mind darts in various directions; can I be sure which one is real? My heart burst with both joy and terror, I am at last free, but have discovered a horrifying truth. Maybe father was right, maybe there was a devil in me. For now, covered in my natural surroundings, I feel free from all pain. I breathe my last breath of frozen air, and fall to the rivers dark, but welcoming bed. 15