Boone fumbled with the ring of keys he’d pulled from his worn jeans. Flat bell like sounds filled the brightly lit hallway. “Umm, sorry. I stuck the key they gave me with my regular keys. I thought this way I wouldn’t lose it.”1
I stared at his fingers as the flashed through the twenty or so keys, before grabbing them from him. “Let me try.”2
I was coming down from the adrenaline rush I’d gotten from the shooting. Now frustration and anger were taking its place. “What the hell have you gotten yourself into Kale?” I mumbled.3
“What?”4
I shook my head as I slid a newer key into the lock. “Nothing, just complaining.”5
I drew my weapon. I didn’t usually wear a weapon, but Agent Niles suggested it would be in my best interest to do so. So here I was, with a .57 squeezed between my sweaty palms.6
Boone slowly inched open the door and I caught a glimpse at his hand. I noticed there was no weapon. I gave Boone a curious glance and he shook his head as if telling me he didn’t need one or have one. We were going to have a serious talk later. Oh yes, we were.7
From where I stood the entrance was clear. I didn’t suddenly have any new holes in my body, so that was a plus. No one was there to shot at me in this moment. I moved inside.8
Off to my left there was the kitchen. Bright canary yellow walls gave an illusion of sun through a clear window. From a glance I couldn’t see any dishes or mess. It was clear.9
I followed the hall down to the living room, with my gun pointed out in front of me. I could feel the weight making it hard to hold up.10
The living room was clear. Kale’s laptop sat on the glass coffee table, before a generic sofa against the bay windows. A gray recliner sat on the right side of the sofa. The white walls were unadorned of photographs and prints. Behind the chair was a closed door.11
I motioned to Boone where I was headed. He had shadowed me into the living room and I didn’t think he was planning to head downstairs anytime soon.12
In a list
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Thought this was quite exciting and attention grabbing. Haven't read any of the previous chapters, but it held my attention. Best of luck with this.
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Good write
Most of the typos I noticed have been mentioned. Not a big gun buff, but I've never heard of a .57. Maybe you meant .357? Anyway looking forward to the next installment.
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It has a nice pace, with very clearly written action and logical dialogue,
Well, it definitely isn’t finished
. Good start to the chapter.
Hi Brooke, thought I would take a quick look at our friend Raisa and what she’s up too.
What you have developed so far is an opening to the chapter. It has a nice pace, with very clearly written action and logical dialogue, all making the activity going on easy to follow.
I found only one simple goof: stared at his fingers as the (they) flashed through the twenty or so keys, before grabbing them from him. “Let me try.”2
Geri
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Geri,
Because of the holiday season I have not even picked up a pencil or pen for writing a story. Thank you letters maybe, but not this. I really will start finishing this, this week.
Thanks for checking in on Raisa and I hope I will not fail.
Thanks again
Brooke
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Nice beginning for the chapter. We're ready to see bullets fly from the start, especially when we find Boone doesn't have a weapon. Hmm. That definitely puts Raisa at a disadvantage in a shootout.
Paradox made an interesting observation. Giving a description with fewer precise details but the same general information can give the reader more space to form their own mental picture of the scene. That makes sense. My problem is usually not giving enough information.
So no one *appears* to be in the apartment so far. Let's see what they find next. *looks around suspiciously*
Greg
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You know me, I give too much description
I think Irish pointed out the same thing to me before.
Thanks for reading. I was hoping to finish this chapter before Christmas, but it's not happening.
Brooke
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Hmmm...sounds intriguing. I can feel the suspense building here and am waiting for the BANG to happen!
Reading through this, I find some of your syntax a little heavy-going in parts, for example: 'Off to my left there was the kitchen. Bright canary yellow walls gave an illusion of sun through a clear window. From a glance I couldn’t see any dishes or mess. It was clear.9'
Perhaps if you reorganised these sentences, it might become a little more fluid, eg: 'The kitchen was off to the left, a bright canary yellow giving the impression of streaming sunshine. No signs of recent activity in there. "Clear!" I whispered. ~ Does it seem smoother to you? Just a thought...
Also, tread lightly with your descriptions. 'Less' is often much more powerful because you allow your reader to construct their own scenery instead of having to faithfully follow along in your wake. Feed tidbits now and again by all means, but you'll find the very best authors tend to resist the tendency to hammer out every scenic detail. Readers have an amazing ability to conjure vivid pictures without the need of help.
One quickie-fix-it:
From where I stood the entrance was clear. I didn’t suddenly have any new holes in my body, so that was a plus. No one was there to shot (shoot)at me in this moment. I moved inside.8
Anyway, it's looking gripping, so soldier on and happy writing!
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You know whe you are sitting there and stuff just comes to you and sometimes it sound right in your head but doesn't look right on paper? Well this would be my time. Plus I wanted something new to post on the groups page.
Thank you for all of your suggestions and I will do the necessary changes
Brooke
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