Baby Blake

He took away the innocence that she once had1

her life turned from good to bad2

A baby on the way and she was all alone3

Whenever she called he hung up the phone4

No one wanted to help5

No one could understand how she felt6

Some mentioned abortions, others adoption7

But she felt that she had only one option8

"I'm keeping it," she'd say9

"Let everything be okay," she would pray10

Baby Blake is what she called him11

She was now trapped in a world of sin12

But the baby had other plans13

And she would never hold it's little hands14

Maybe it knew she couldn't handle it15

Maybe it knew she couldn't commit16

I really need help with this, I don't feel like I did a very good job. Any constructive criticism is definately appreciated. Please!

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Comments

  • taywee13
    January 2

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    hmm...

    my main question is, what happened to the baby??
    i agree that the baby should be given a gender from the beginning and stick with it. i didn't feel very much sympathy for the mother, no offense. i wish you would've explained why she wanted to keep the baby so dearly. i'm glad you took the sad approach to this poem, because few will venture that way. but you could have explained the sadness more. good overall

    beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 3.


  • chikarita2
    December 30, 2008
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    I'm not so sure about this poem. It has too many syllables in each line and never seemed to match up. It was a good try, but I'd have to suggest dropping this one. The end was kind of unclear if it was gonna die, /she/ was gonna die, she was gonna get an abortion, or what. It was a good try and it's always helpful to experiment.
    keep writing


  • Rorshach gold member
    December 15, 2008

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    My two penneth

    I don't think you should refer to the baby as 'it' as that shows a lack empathy which doesn't help the reader sympathise.
    Also, loads of teenagers have children and it doesn't mean that they are now victims, living in sin with nobody helping them. It's 2008 now and attitudes are radically different to what they once were.
    The girl might feel bad about the boyfriend dumping her, but that is quite normal now. There are a million poems here about how horrible boys are.
    I think your poem would be better if it concentrated more on the joy that a baby brings, or the sadness in having to decide what to do with the baby. She could be torn by her love for the baby and memories of the boy who deserted her.
    Also, there is no need to stick a word in just because it rhymes.
    Hope this helps a bit.