The Anti-Santa

‘Merry Christmas!’1

‘Seasons Greetings!!’2

‘Peace to you all!’3

Urgh, how I hate these stupid phrases!!! I mean….come on….what’s the point? I HATE Christmas. It is stupid, pointless and an incredible waste of money. I walk down the street among all of these so called festive persons, listening to them laugh cheerily among each other, trying to decide which colour would suit their friend Tom best, or which flowers would Mother prefer? Oh, such mind numbing questions, wouldn’t you say? You see such idiots dressing up as Santa, playing up to the children’s imagination, only disappointing them when they are older. Telling them that they will get loads of presents from him, disappointing the parents who cannot afford the presents that Santa so cruelly describes. But what I hate most is the fact that shops manage to get all of their decorations up MONTHS before December 25th. What is the point? No-one buys any until at least a month beforehand. Or when you do buy them nearer the time the shop assistants are the most surly, unfestive people imaginable on this Earth. 4

But there is one thing good about Christmas. Something which allows me to have the utmost fun for just one night only. I suppose you can call me a sort of anti-Santa. That makes me grin. Anti-Santa, yeah, that sounds good. So, what do I do then? Well, you can join me for this one night only as I travel among the houses, meeting people. 5

*Laughs.* 6

Yeah, in my job I get to meet LOTS of people, thought, for some reason, they are not very happy to see me. 7

*Looks out of window* 8

It is getting pretty dark now, I think we had better be going. Where you ask? I don’t know. Anywhere that I feel like. I had better get dressed first though. 9

*He picks up a sack from the corner of the room.* 10

Here are my clothes. They are a little bit musty and crumpled, but so what? No-one will really see me in the dark, and lets face it, kids don’t care. 11

*Looks at the reader.*12

Yeah, old Santa clothes. Inconspicuous don’t you think? Even if they do smell a little. Turn around when I undress then!!!13

*A few minutes later.*14

Ok, so, how do I look then? Like the real Santa? Aha, you look puzzled, well, I can see why. Not many Santa’s wear a deep, dark red do they? Not any that I have seen any anyway. But this colour works well you see. It makes me look like a Santa in the dark, as the colours always look different in the dark, and lets face it, it will cover up certain stains and liquids. 15

*Laughs*16

And here is my special tool bag. Looks just like a Santa Sack once again. It has everything in it that I could ever need. But most of the things I use are simply taken from the places I go to whenever they are needed. Come on, it’s getting late, and the later it gets, the less fun I have. What’s that you say? The place looks empty? Well, tonight is the night that I have to leave my lodgings, and go elsewhere. I only live in each place for a year. I dislike staying in the same surroundings for so long. It just gets boring….and more dangerous. But come on, stop stalling!! Get out, and get into the car!!17

I LIKE going fast, stop complaining. What is life without a little speed?18

*Laughs*19

Safer? Yes, I am sure you are right, but I don’t care!! I would rather not die, but I know I will soon enough. It is inevitable in my line of work. We all die young. Hey, look. This house looks good. Shall we stop here then? Too late for your answer, I am already stopping. But shhh, we like to surprise people sometimes, don’t we?20

Creeping round the house is fun. If you look in the windows, you can see where the whole family is. In this case, they are all in the living room, opening presents. This is unusual in here, most presents are opened in the morning. But this is great news for me. Come on, to the kitchen…..the door might be open a little to let the thick air out from the roasting turkey. 21

*Nudges door open slightly with foot*22

See, that was easy. Now, everyone is out there. Mmmm, doesn’t that smell lovely. Now, over to the hot, hot, hot oven we go. Quickly hand me that oven glove and we will deal with this. Right, in my special sack here I have a little bottle of da da da dah!!! Poison!!!23

*Smiles widely.*24

It’s strychnine. I am going to put it in the juices of the turkey, so that when they come into baste the meat, then they are pouring strychnine on top of it!!! Why strychnine? Well, it was a drug I got cheaply, and the effects are MARVELLOUS! There is such a thing as a strychnine smile. Heard of it? It makes you pull your gums back over your teeth, a muscle tightener is what it is. Makes your spine bend backwards, makes you clench every muscle so tightly together that it is impossible to survive from. And so agonizing at the same time. And it is utterly unsmellable. I only ever put one part of poison into one thing as everyone usually tucks into the turkey at once. Saves time too, instead of spreading it into various foods. OH! Come on, I heard someone, lets go!!25

I don’t usually stay to watch the effects unless I know that they will happened quickly. I mean, I don’t know how long it will be until they finish opening all of those stupid presents anyway. Maybe at the next house we can check it out. 26

This house will do, it is far enough away from the last one. Let’s creep back towards the kitchen. Damn, the door is well and truly locked and bolted. Hmm, these ones are a little more tricky, but then again, I do like a challenge. 27

*Grins widely*28

Right, a window is loose, I just need to jiggle it a little. I can hear people in the other room, so I had better be quick. Good thing I am a slim anti-Santa, don’t you think? Ok, I can just about reach a bottle of wine on the side. It has been opened, which is good. All I need to do is tip my little bottle inside and….ahh, that should be enough. I will come out of the back door now. Close it, but not lock it…make it easy in case there are real burglars about. 29

I think we can watch this one, I just saw someone collect the bottle. Quick, and we can just catch the effects. 30

*The people are holding their glasses high in the air, toasting their host for some unknown reason.*31

Ahah, there we go. Have a good glug folks, enjoy every drop. Give it a minute, give it a minute…Ohh, I think she realises something is wrong. Yep, they all do now. Look at the expressions on their faces. 32

*Laughs*33

This is hilarious!!! Clutching their throats, oooh, now they can’t let go because of their muscles tightening, hahaha, oh, and there it is…the fantastic smile!!!!34

Now, let’s go. This bit is boring. It’s good reading about the deaths in the big papers in a few days though. The police find it completely baffling. No apparent motives, no fingerprints, no friends. I mean, I don’t know who the hell these people are, but if I had to kill my own friends to not be in the running for murderer, then so be it. As I see it, I am not a murderer, I don’t force feed them, do I? I don’t force all of the wine on them. They do that of their own free will. I just happen to add a little ‘zing’ to it, that’s all. Certainly gives me a buzz. 35

*Shakes his head in silent laughter*36

Come on, I need to do a few more houses, just the same as this one, turkey or wine, either one. It doesn’t bother me. Both are a waste of money when so many people are starving in the world. 37

*Three hours later*38

I think pretty much that all the people who are not having parties will be in bed now. Now this comes for my next trick. For these houses, I break in through the back, and set up booby traps for them, Silly little traps, like acid round the rim of the toilet seat….see how many of them DON’T get into the papers, huh? Hmm…..what if I get caught? Welll……poor unfortunate victim then. I would give them a choice of their own death. Swallowing acid, strychnine, or being strangled with wire. Yeah, I carry loads of things round in this big old Santa Sack of mine. Or, oh, maybe I can put strychnine in the milk? Hmm….good idea. Maybe try a couple of them. Ok, this house looks good. 39

*Upstairs*40

Ok, we have to be quiet here. The good thing about this costume is that if a child wakes up, they simply assume that Santa Claus is being late and is delivering extra presents. A finger on my lips tells them to be quiet and to go back to bed. Works EVERY time. Right, the bathroom is here. Hah, I have never tried acid on the seat before, but I think it is pretty funny!! 41

There we go. I think in the next house I will put trip wire on the stairs, after taking out the hall light bulb. That is, if they have not got an upstairs lavatory. Otherwise it is just a drop of strychnine in the milk, or juice. Huh? Why don’t I do both? Well…. Saves time and allows me to do other houses, and besides, one thing is good enough to cause enough havoc for a loooong time. Don’t you think? Come on, lets go, hey, be careful on the stairs, it’s dark. 42

*Last house*43

Yeah, this will be the last house for the evening. I have to be at least fifty miles away by seven am, so this will definitely be the last one for this year. Shame really, but you know what they say ‘good things come to those who wait.’44

*Laughs*45

Right, what can I do now? Maybe you are right, we can do the toilet seat and trip wire, and acid in milk, make this last year REALLY go with a bang!! High five!!! 46

Ok, lets creep upstairs again. Ooops, the damnable creaky step. Hush a second, no, it’s ok. No-one has stirred. Let’s be quick, time is getting on. You can fix the wire, and I can do the toilet, but hurry. 47

Right, that’s that done. You done yours? Oh for goodness sake, you expect people to trip over that?! FAR too loose, come here. 48

Ooops, I think we have woken someone up. They are not being quick so I suspect this is just someone nipping to the loo. Come on, I haven’t killed anyone in the flesh for years. This will make this the biggest and best present I have had in a long time. 49

Hi, little man. I would stop struggling if I were you. That tape over your mouth won’t allow you to talk either, so I would just stop. I think we have a strong man here, don’t you think? What do you reckon he was then? A banker? A sales assistant? Ah well, it doesn’t matter now. 50

*Smiles*51

How do you want to snuff your life then? Acid? Poison? Strangulation? Hmm….all sounds fun to me. None of them? Want me to decide? No? Well you do it then. No? Okey dokey, had enough of being messed around. But first I am going to tell you what I plan to do. I have a small bottle of acid here. I will make it drip the words ‘Merry Xmas’ onto your chest, drop a little onto your tongue so it swells, and then dump your lifeless body onto the floor next to your wife in bed. Merry Christmas, huh? Yeah, struggle away, it won’t do much good. 52

Now, how are you at writing in acid, mate?53

*Half an hour later*54

Here, have a drink. Phew…*gulps* that is one loooong night over. But I think each year they just get better and better. How did you enjoy your evening? Good, yeah. Great. I think I am going to get out of these Santa things in a minute. You would not believe how much sweat can build up in one of these. I must stink!! Ah well…does not matter. I had a good time. I think we had better be on our way out now, we have outstayed our welcome. I was quite lucky to find that little bar still open. The poor bloke was shattered. Well……his ribs and face bones were after I saw to him. Anyway, thanks for coming along tonight. It made it seem more interesting, telling the tricks of the trade. I have never told another living soul of anything I had ever done and I have done this for so many years. I just can’t trust people. I can trust you? Well.. thank you. You can trust me too. Well…you could. Enjoy your drink? Good….the effects will be along shortly. For now….toodle oo, and maybe I will see your friends and family next year. It was Durham you said, wasn’t it? Ok, bye bye, big grin back to you too!!! 55

OH yeah…..56

‘Merry Christmas!!’