Experience Expanded: Red aka chilies drying in the sun

"So there was this king once. He was king of the kingdom of Uruk."1

"Why Uruk?"2

"Well, it was on the Euphrates, where civilization began. It was a very old kingdom."3

"How old?"4

"Umm, let's say 12,000 years old."5

"Bloody hell."6

"Yes. Kings back then reigned 3,600 years apiece."7

"Were they demi-gods then?"8

"People didn't really have an accurate measure of time, so they just put arbitrary numbers up to show that something lasted for a very long time. Accurately, maybe he reigned for fifty years."9

"Oh, I see what you're trying to do here."10

"What?"11

"Parallels to Gilgamesh. Don't think I didn't see that."12

"No. Gilgamesh was from Ur, not Uruk."13

"That's just a phonetic anomaly. They're the same place."14

"Look, can I just get on with the story?"15

"Fine."16

"Okay. Umm, where was I?"17

"The old king."18

"Well, he wasn't old, really. In fact, he'd ascended the throne not too far before he decided that he was a great man and king. So he wanted to throw this huge celebration in honour of himself. With a parade and everything. Key to this parade would be a military march, in which the entire army would walk, along with him, under a magnificent gold-plated arch he wanted built. So he commissioned the necessary people to build the arch. It took a very long time, but was done in the end. After it was all set up, the procession began, and the army passed underneath the thing. Finally, it was the king's turn, and he too marched underneath it. But, instead of walking right through, he smacked his forehead into it. It had been built too short. The king assembled his viziers and told them to call those responsible. The builders blamed the stonemason, who had made the bricks apparently too small for the job. The stonemason blamed the architects for not having factored the king's height into the matter. The architects reminded the king that he himself had mad last-minute modifications to the plan. The king, flustered, yelled, 'We need to find someone to hang for this.' After much debate, they all decided to hang the arch. But since the top of the arch had touched the king's head and was now considered holy, only the bottom of the arch could be hung. The builders made a special scaffolding and got ready tp hang the arch. That was when they found that the arch was too short to be hung from that scaffolding. 'The people grow restless, sire,' said one of the viziers. 'Fine,' the king said, 'Find anyone in the kingdom tall enough for that scaffolding and hang him!' So the people searched to find someone; unfortunately there was no one tall enough for the scaffolding bar the king himself. And so they hung the king. With the king dead, the people needed a new one. The viziers checked in the rules and found that the next man to walk through the city gates would be the one to name the next king. This just so happened to be the town imbecile, who was known for wandering the streets naked, and grabbing handfuls of chilies that were drying in the sun to stuff into his salivating mouth. 'Whom shall be king?' the people asked him. 'Chili!' he shouted. And thus the people found the largest dried chili sitting in the sun, and named it king. For a very long time, visitors to the city would be told, 'There sits our king. He says nothing these days. But we wait for the day when he shall address us with his benevolent words."19

For a long time I am silent, aware that there is some heavy message in this rambling.20

In the end, I cannot continue waiting. "What is this?"21

"Why, the very first and last township rebellion."22

"The last."23

"Never again was there such pure thought behind a rebellion. Every single one afterwards was motivated by simple greed for power. One man would claim that he would overthrown a tyrant, gather support, sometimes achieve his objective, and merely replace the venom with his own."24

"How daunting."25

"Isn't it?"26

"So we've never ever had a real insurgence since that one?"27

"Never. Never ever."28

"The French Revolution, the Celtic sacking of Rome...um...Chavez?"29

"Hahah. All masterminded by a powerful group of people who merely wanted to change figureheads."30

"Who?"31

"Their names have changed over time. But their blood remains the same. The same ones who decided that they could control the world and have fun messing with the lives of millions and now billions, all the while feeding us the message of change. They said that the senate system was change, and so was the republic, and so was democracy, and so was communism. All lies."32

"But who are they?" I want to continue this conversation only because it seems to be the only thing keeping the dark blur around the edges of my eyes from seeping in towards my pupils.33

"Hmm...some say a very hemophiliac bunch of inbred former emperors and empresses. Some say they're all bankers now. Some say they're twelve-foot tall lizards with the capability to transform into humans."34

The last one makes me drop my jaw.35

"Lizards?"36

"You know how they talk about blue blood, cold blood and so on? Well, the legends always come from someplace. Remember Dracula? Well, his legend came from a count that was so oppressive to his tenant farmers that he would toss them into large wooden stakes if they were later with the rent. See how that happened? Bleeding farmers dry, stakes?"37

"Quite icky, that. And iffy. Are these lizards in cahoots with the little lizards that inhabits my house? I mean, are the little ones spies?"38

"We'd have to assume there that these rulers are, in fact, lizards. And I'm not going to stand up and say that exactly. Not yet."39

"How did this lizard theory come about?"40

"As I said, legend comes from something always. A baby born in a dark empty cellar, never allowed out, and never allowed to interact, will have nothing but blackness in his mind. Y'know Lady Di?"41

"Princess Diana?"42

"Do we call her a princess since she was divorced from the prince?"43

"Was she divorced? I thought they were just going through the procedures of getting divorced. I.e., not actually divorced."44

"But they were with two completely different people when they died."45

"Hah. So?"46

"Hmm, you're right."47

"She told one of her friends that the royal family were in fact all bloody lizards."48

"No!"49

"Yes. Makes her little crash a bit more interesting, doesn't it?"50

"But wasn't she royalty? I mean, that's the only reason she could marry Prince Charles."51

"Why do you know more about this than my mum? Are you one of those that keep a candle-light vigil and listen to 'Candle in the Wind' every anniversary?"52

"No, no. Of course not. It was just, you know, all over the news."53

"As for her being royalty - I guess she wasn't enough royalty that she was just a schoolteacher when they found her."54

"Nothing wrong with that."55

"No, no. Noble profession. I notice she didn't stick with it after she got married, but whatever."56

"Would they let her continue with it?"57

"Look, we're going far off-topic here. How am I supposed to keep you awake if you keep digressing like this?"58

"But I'm already asleep."59

"How do you know?"60

"The same way I always know - because I'm actually following through on your ridiculous premise."61

"But the king-"62

"It's too late. The lights are here."63

"Lady Diana-"64

"You've carried on for far too long. You've gotten yourself far too excited. And in my bid to try and stay away I've infected myself with your excitement, and now I'm going to pay the price."65

"Perhaps we could talk about this later?"66

"Highly unlikely. You've grossly misrepresented the moral of your story, and that won't do."67

"What?"68

"I let it slide because I wanted to stay awake. But you over-spiced your story in an effort to keep it relevant."69

"Then what was it about, smarty?"70

"Ironically, about getting carried away."71

"But we've never had a real rebellion since then."72

"As long as we eat these chilies, we shall continue to be riotous bastards. There will be rebellion."73

"What?"74

"I cannot continue. My teeth hurt."75

And they do. An awful dull pain was throbbing away in there, making me wish I could pull them out for inspection. I tested with my tongue, and alas, they were firmly gripped into my gums. Bringing upper and lower molars together, I realize that my jaw was shivering, though the pain in there was red hot. Every breath coming out actually burns my tongue.76

Bright red and powder blue shapes have draped themselves across my stomach. They are electric.77

I have no need for them since the lights are on. Yet, they remain, pulsating their electric glow onto me.78

"We shall rebel," someone says from across the living room.79

He stands behind the sofa so that I cannot see him. All I can see from the corner of my eye is a leathery green foot.80

"Because we too rebel. And we need soldiers."81

I cannot see his face, whoever he is. Nevertheless, I know it is stretched into a sarcastic grin.82

I am very afraid. He may choose to simply kill me instead of pulling me along.83

"What we have in common is more important than our differences," he says.84

I wish to see him, but am afraid to ask. The colours on my stomach are no longer moving about like electric eels, but are slowly dying.85

"Do you want to see me?" he asks.86

I think.87

My teeth hurt so badly that my entire face is on fire.88

I know that when I wake up both the pain and fear will hound me until the next morning.