I Will Forgive

It started out a beautiful friendship, promised to last forever; and ended with one torn and broken forced to watch the other walk away with no wounds. This is a story that I can only say, should be read if you feel you can handle the pain of the situation; and if you wish to take on hearing the story of a shattered heart.1

Adult and Youth volunteers hurried around bustling and getting ready to accommodate the kids that would soon be arriving to take part in a vacation bible school for one week in the summer time. Everyone anxiously awaited their positions for the staff this year. I had been put in charge of a crew of children, along with a boy that I had never met or seen before in my life. I took it as an opportunity to make a new friend, at this point in time I did not know how amazing the friendship would grow to be, and how badly I would fall when it was all over.2

His name was Andrew; the boy intrigued me more than anything, as his mannerisms were slightly unusual. Though I was careful not to seem overbearing and I made small friendly gestures. Over the week a friendship had started to kindle, and we grew seemingly closer the more time spent together. 3

Now it was Wednesday as I waited for him to arrive so I could enjoy my few minutes of morning conversation with him before the children arrived. But he did not show. I finally inquired to his sister about him, and she told me that he was not coming back. Even if I had only known him for two days now, I was near devastated with the words that came out of her mouth. Apparently, he just didn’t feel it was worth it to come back. 4

Taking a piece of paper and a pen I quickly but thoroughly wrote a note that I would send home to him. It stated that I wished for him to come back, and that he was missed by all of us. Ten minutes and several crumpled papers later I had it to a point I believed was perfect. I slipped the note to his sister and she assured me that he would receive it. 5

Thursday morning had arrived, and I watched the door closely as I went about my morning routine to prepare everything for a smooth day. I began to lose hope as person after person came in, but none of them were him. I had no idea why I had grown so attached to him, but I knew there was a reason and I wanted to find out. Retreating to my circle of tape that lay on the floor I sat down and waited for the kids to arrive. 6

A hand enclosed around my shoulder from behind and startled me, due to the unexpectedness of it. Quickly turning around my eyes met with his, and I was overcome with joy that he had returned. “Thank you, that note meant a lot.” He said scooping me into a hug. The rest of the week had been a blast and went very smoothly with him back, and I was sad to see that it was over. With a final hug and the exchanging of numbers and e-mails, we promised to keep in touch and see each other again.7

Months had passed and we continued to grow closer, as we enjoyed a few outings together. From early on I had promised to always be there for him, and I wanted nothing in return for the deed. One may have called us best friends, we enjoyed conversations almost everyday. Every time the world gave me the chance to see him, I could never forget the smile on his face. No words could describe it; it was beautiful and had the power to always put a smile on my face no matter what could befall me in the world.8

Life became busy for the both of us, and though we tried, we find little to no time to speak anymore. The light of the world seemed to grow darker and every day that passed, I missed my best friend. It was at this time that I had finally admitted to myself that I loved him, but as nothing more than my best friend.9

November 15, 2007- a day I would always remember. How could I forget the heart wrenching phone call that had come in? His attempt at suicide was made known to me at that point in time; the failure of it had placed him in the hospital. I knew I had to make it there to see him if just for one moment. So my mother and I made the trip down there and I went into the room alone.10

“Thank you,” he spoke softly. “Thank you for caring. It’s definitely nice to have someone there for you. That’s how you get close to someone. I hope I can I be there for you as much as you have been for me, I’ll certainly try.” 11

I stayed with him for awhile, and at first we only spoke of happy things and when he would get out of the hospital. But conversation grew dark as I forced myself to turn my ears towards him, and allow him to spill out his heart to me. The minutes flew by and I felt as though I now carried a weight from his shoulders on the top of my heart, but I was grateful that he could be relieved. 12

The next few months would be the same as the first, though now I knew him and his life story. With a better understanding, I could finally aid him in the things that were continually thrown his way. Little did I know, it was adding up to unimaginable weights on my heart, and I was also taking my own life on top of all that. 13

I couldn’t have expected to hold out much longer until I finally fell apart. Practically finding myself at his feet in tears, I suddenly needed him more than anything and he did just as he said. Hugging me tight he listened as I poured my heart to him, and when I was through, he told me everything would be alright. There was his smile again, only this time it came with sympathetic and promising eyes.14

Time passed as it always would and I had finally found someone who taught me how to trust, and how to love. Though I don’t believe he would have ever guessed the second of the two. I endured time and time again, that he would push me to the side as a new girl came into his life. It seemed I was only there for someone to brag to, about each and everyone of the girl of his dreams. But every time when things would fall apart, I’d be there to catch him and to stop him from slipping back into that depression he once was in.15

I never had more of a reason to stick around, other than the fact that I cared, and now had admitted to myself that I loved him. Things continued on the same, until one night when we were together. A promise came from the heart, at least from mine, that we would be friends…forever. As tension grew, we finally both found the need to confess of our feelings towards the other. Love had blossomed and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world, though we kept it a secret and I never understood why.16

Life was great and there was nothing more that I could ask for, and for the first time in my life, my happiness was fulfilled. That smile still lingered on his face, every chance I got to see him, and it was contagious.17

Eventually things began to go downhill as is to be expected from the sad pathetic life I call my own. He suddenly became very busy, and the conversations grew less and less until they disappeared all together. My heart was cracking and I needed to know what the meaning of it all was. In deep regret I struggle to accept my mistake of an inquiry as I was informed by the boy I loved, that he no longer cared.18

I spiraled, there was nothing left for me to hang onto and I lost all hope within him. My eyes could no longer see anything but a small sliver of light that kept me alive in the hell I called life. Feeling trapped in a cage, I could only watch as he walked right on past and out of my view. 19

There I stayed for many months, as far from life as I possibly could be. Until I was picked up by a simple stranger, who had just recently presented himself into my life. Though I held very little trust, this new boy had helped me by doing all in his power. Once again, I could move out of the shadows and back into the world just like I had before.20

We cannot escape from inevitable fate, and that is what I believe happened a day that I find to be not so long ago. Crossing paths with the one person, who stabbed my heart and twisted the knife, throwing me to the ground and leaving me to die, had not been in my plans. Following what I believed to be my heart, I reached out to him with apologies and a wish to fix things up. 21

Responding to my pleas with no mercy he told me everything that I still cannot bring myself to believe is true. “I’ve never even liked you as a person; you’ve always just been a pain in my side.” These words and more were sprung at me and I had no defense. He told me that he hated me more than anything, that I was completely worthless, and that I had never done anything for him. It hurt me the worst to see that smile on his face, only this time it was laced with malice and mockery. 22

Defenseless I retreated, and now here I am. If only I could understand everything that happened, and know what it was that I had done to force him away. My heart is nothing more than a pile of ashes that slowly blow away with each passing day. The damage this time around, I know is much worse and I fear the possibility of not recovering. Though I do not Ill Wish him, this event has brought about my biggest fears that I could possibly have; instilling a permanent fear of getting close to people, a fear of trust, and most of all a fear of ever loving again. Forced to lay shattered as my eyes trace along his silhouette, watching him walk away with no harm done, this sickens my stomach and consumes my thoughts until I can understand the true intentions, of my best friend.23