Eternal Butterfly

Everyone's life is full of turning points - most of which we don't ever realize till years later. I think my biggest turning point was just a minute ago, when I walked through those damned brown doors and saw the cute assistant I knew by the name.1

"Hi Kelly," I said with my eyes looking at the ground. She's never done anything bad to me, but I hated her.2

"Oh, Justin. How are you doing? I'm not sure if you had an appointment, the doctor's schedule is really busy today, and I really don't think I can do anything..." she said while looking at her notes. In a notebook! Handwritten! It's 2008, you moron! Ever heard of computers and personal organizers? And what was she talking about with Doctor being busy? He called for me to see him right away! Obviously I had an appointment!3

Suddenly there was a soft click followed by the doctor's soothing voice.4

"Hey Kelly, sorry I didn't contact you earlier, I had a lot of clients and organizing to do, but if Justin Drecavac comes in send him to the waiting room. I'm hoping he's going to be here within an hour, but call him just in case in 50 to 20 minutes, ok?" I couldn't help but chuckle.5

"Um, doctor, Justin just came in," Her confused, brown eyes glared at me.6

"Oh, Justin, hello there. Come on in to the waiting room. I didn't know you were going to be here so early. I'm still here with Mrs Johnson so you might have to wait a little bit, but I hope you don't mind."7

"Sure doc, you know I'm patient."8

"Then I'll see you soon. Be happy, son," I've grown to like his corny little catchphrase. He never said goodbye, since that seemed to be the official last word of people who chose their own fate. Yes, it is a sad word, and he knew it wouldn't be a good idea to say it to someone with suicidal thoughts like myself. He made up his own little, optimistic "goodbye". Be happy, son. It shows he cares about my happiness, that I'm close to him, possibly he would be sad if I would do something bad, like dying...9

"Go ahead Justin, you can go into the waiting room now," she said, and her words brought me back from the maze of my own thoughts. 10

"Oh, sorry Kelly, I spaced out." Like I had to explain myself to her...11

I walked into the waiting room which looked strangely empty. I looked around at the doc's inspirational little posters, with smiling kids and little quotes telling me to be confident, happy, brave, powerful, and other useless things. I sat on the little, surprisingly comfortable chair and looked at the closed doors in front of me.12

"Dr. Long". That was his real name. I used to spend hours in this waiting room making up little jokes triggered just by seeing the name tag on his door. His parents sure had a good sense of humor; since his first name was Richard.13

"How's it hanging, Long?, I missed you, Long, man..., Him? He's just my friend, Long Dick." Just my three favorite phrases. Was it immature? Maybe. Entertaining? Sure was.14

Today I didn't feel like joking around with myself. I just wasn't exactly in the mood for laughing. I was clean from medication for 4 months now, and that bitch had to ruin everything!15

Her name was Lara, and the meaning of the name kind of suited her. She was cheerful and protective. At least that's what I thought when I met her at first. I'll never forget it, it was the weirdest way two human beings ever met.16

I went to the museum in Las Vegas. My visit there was actually prescribed by the doc - some entertainment was supposed to make me feel better. I was taking pictures pretending to know who all those statues were representing. There was some blond girl, bald guy, tall guy, and then a beautiful young woman with brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a perfect figure. I couldn't find a tag with her name, so I took a picture of the girl looking straight ahead, her eyes looking so... magical, like she knew exactly what she wanted in life. Her lips curved a little into a really weak smile, the kind of smile that mothers have, a really calming and understanding one.17

"Click" I took a picture and as a flash went off I felt as if I was a part of the picture, frozen with the reality. Then something magical happened, the picture came to life and the statue moved her head towards me, her smile disappearing, her eyes getting sharper, maybe a little bit confused.18

"Did you just take a picture of me?" And I snapped out of my fantasy realizing she was not a statue, but a real person.19

"I'm so sorry, I thought you were one of them!" I said pointing at the real statues. She chuckled and her smile seemed to light up the whole room. "I'm really sorry, it's just that you look so... perfect... just like those statues..." I regretted saying this the second the words came out of my mouth.20

"Woah, that is the weirdest pick up line I have ever heard! I'll give you some credit for creativity though, My name's Lara," her lips were once again curved into that mother-like smile.21

"I'm Justin, and I swear it's not just a pick up line!" I tried to defend myself for some reason. I wanted her to either not know me at all, or know me for who I am, not some horny player. 22

"Suuuuure," she said with her eyes getting bigger, and I just smiled. "So what are you doing in here? Trying to get rich and famous?"23

"I just need some entertainment... I really needed a break from everything, and this is supposed to be the funnest place in the world..." I sighed without realizing it..24

"But it's not exactly what you expected, huh? Don't worry you're not the only one who doesn't really like it in here. I feel much better in my hometown, Chicago..."25

"You're from Chicago? That's my hometown!"26

"Are you serious? What a coincident!" her smile really was making me feel better. I didn't want to ever say goodbye to her. "When are you going back?"27

"In a week... I'm going to have one more week off work though, so not all of my time off is going to be wasted in here..." I smiled weakly not wanting to tell her that I'm gonna spend the next week in a psychiatrist's office or sitting at home swallowing the happy pills...28

"It's the same for me! Well except that I don't know how long I'm not going to go to work... I got fired..." her smile made me curious.29

"Oh yeah? What did you do?" I couldn't help but smile while talking to her...30

"Actually I got fired because I didn't do what my boss was asking me for, which happened to be eating his unborn children. Now I gotta find a new job, but I'm happy I won't have to deal with that guy anymore," there was something about her smile, and I might never be able to figure out what it was.31

"Good for you, then. So to relax and get a break from guys who just want to use you, you came to their capital?" 32

"Well, something like that..." She laughed and I just wanted to ask her two questions, if she had a boyfriend, and what's her number. I was about to open my mouth when her cell phone rang.33

"Arghh! Excuse me for a sec!" She turned around and picked it up.34

"Hello?"35

"I told you I'm in L.V.!"36

"Yes, I'm having fun, but don't worry, not too much fun."37

"I should be back on Sunday evening."38

"I know, I miss you too"39

"Yes"40

"Um, yeah"41

"I can't, sorry"42

"Yup"43

"You know I will! I'll run right into your house the second I come back."44

"No, not sure if I'm going to"45

"I'll talk to you later!"46

"Ok, ok, bye!" She hung up the phone and turned around to face me again.47

"Sorry about that," she said and I was just hoping it wasn't a guy.48

"Don't worry about it, are you hungry?" Suddenly my hands became sweaty, I felt like I was back in high school.49

"A little bit... I skipped lunch today."50

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go grab something to eat! I'm starving!"51

I didn't really have that much confidence in her agreeing to go out with me, but she did. Later on I found out that she lied about skipping lunch, and she was actually really full. We ended up spending the whole week together, and not surprisingly, I actually enjoyed my stay in there. I didn't even need to touch any of my pills I was supposed to take 3 times a day. She didn't have a boyfriend, she was just dating around and the last time she got serious with anyone was back in freshman year college. She was happy like that, she didn't need anyone to make her happy. 52

We were seeing each other everyday, would barely fight. We were happy together. She fulfilled me, I almost completely stopped taking my meds. She would have the craziest ideas, like going to a park in the middle of the night, or going to the beach in winter. We would laugh about the stupidest things. I wasn't able to be alone for too long, but that wasn't anything new. I managed to replace my medicine with her. Instead of a morning pill, there was a good morning text message from her. I think that was the first time in my life when I was happy. 53

She left. She didn't give me any reasons for it, she just left. One day there was no good morning text message, no call, nothing. I was worried about her, I thought something happened so I called her.54

"Oh, Justin, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to be here for you anymore. You need to see Mr. Long again..." She chuckled remembering the word plays I told her about "I had to move, it was for my job. You know it was hard enough for me to get it, and besides..." She paused for a second and I didn't dare to interrupt "I think we needed a break, anyway."55

"What do you mean?" My voice was shaking...56

"You... Maybe you need to figure out your problems first. I tried helping you but I can't live like that! I want to be happy, I don't want to hear about how lonely a moon must be, I don't want to hear how you the only time you feel happy is when I'm with you. You... You just put too much pressure on me! What if I'm not the one for you?"57

"You know you are!" I interrupted her58

"Well then, what if you're not the one for me?" she paused for a second. "I'm sorry Justin, but whenever I'm with you I feel like my life is slipping away from me, and there are so many exciting things I still want to do! I want to go bungee jumping! I want to see the Niagara Falls, The Great Canyon, everything! The life is so much more than just sitting around complaining about how unfair the world is! I tried showing you there's more to it, but you just can't see it! You think one day you're just going to meet someone special who is going to make everything that's wrong right. It's never going to happen! The moon will always seem lonely, and we can't always be together. It doesn't matter how in love you are with someone, it can't change the world! I wish I could show you the world through my eyes, all the little beautiful things in it, but it's impossible! Remember when we saw the butterfly in a park? You just sighed and said it can only live up to 3 days. I can't be with you. I want to live my life, and hopefully you'll learn to live yours."59

I couldn't say anything. She was right, I saw the true face of everything! She only saw the bright side, ignoring the rest.60

"So you're just sick of me, huh?"61

"Justin, stop this! Listen, I'll just call you soon, then we'll talk, I thought a lot about it, and I know what I'm doing! Just be happy, ok?"62

"Fine, goodbye!" 63

"I'll talk to you soon."64

She hung up. I realized there weren't going to be any more morning text messages, no happy calls, no butterflies flying by. I didn't believe it was wrong to include the sad truth in your understanding of the world. No, any intelligent person would see both sides of everything. The butterfly might be beautiful now, but it's going to die within a couple of days. Nothing that's good lasts long enough. She didn't. She was too good to be true, she never loved me, whenever she would talk to me she was hiding her plans of escape. Using a job as an excuse! We both knew she believed finding a new job was easier than anything. What a pathetic excuse...65

It didn't matter, she didn't love me, she wasn't going to be there for me anymore. I was going to go back to my old life. Waking up, taking the morning pill, going to work at morning, saying hi to random people whose names I didn't even remember, going back home taking another pill, checking my email and listening to music, evening pill and sleep. Rewind and repeat. No, I wasn't going back to that. I was sick of the medication, I didn't want to live like a zombie. I didn't want to see Mr. Long anymore. There was nothing good in my life left. Like butterflies, the good things come in life and die before you can even fully enjoy them. I didn't like my life, I didn't like this world, I couldn't stand the pills I had to take.66

I took an elevator up to the top floor, went up the stairs up to the roof. The city was dark as if sleeping. Some lights in the opposite buildings were still on with people too busy trying to survive to notice a soft cry for help. No, I was done with that. I was crying for help before I met her! She ruined me! I didn't even have enough strength to cry for help. Before at a time like this I would take a walk, look into the eyes of the people. They wouldn't say anything, they wouldn't ask what's wrong. Why would they bother with some stranger? I would call someone, maybe even Mr Long. Usually his secretary would pick up the phone, her voice burning my ears. She would tell me the doctor is with a patient right now but he's going to be free within an hour. She would also ask me if I took my medication. I would take the magic pill and all of my energy would suddenly disappear. I wouldn't feel like dying after taking it anymore. And then the doc would call me asking if I'm ok. 67

I didn't want to take my medication! I was sick of it! I didn't want to hear Kelly's trained voice. I just wanted to end it.68

I was standing at the edge of the building ready to jump, just enjoying the breeze for a while. It was one of those good days, usually Chicago is known for its wind, but that day was almost windless. "A perfect day to die," I thought to myself.69

Then I felt vibrations in my right pocket, and I could hear the familiar tune.70

"Yes, doc?" I picked up my phone71

"Hello Justin, how are you doing today?" he asked in his cheerful voice. I could feel tears building up in my eyes.72

"I'm fine," I didn't want to talk, I was in the middle of something!73

"Listen, I really have to see you asap. You should come here right now, it's very important, to everyone," he paused for a bit.74

"I understand, doc," I was about to hang up and jump when I heard his voice speak again.75

"I need to talk to you about Lara." Those words changed everything, I wanted to know more.76

"What's up with her?"77

"Ooh, my next client is here, you know I can't really talk on the phone in here, just come in as quickly as you can," before I could say another thing he hung up. I knew him. I knew it could be one of his tricks to keep me alive, but what if it wasn't? What if something happened to Lara and I was too stupid to even check? I had to find out what was happening.78

"Fuck you, Lara! You ruined my life, now you're going to ruin my death?" I screamed into the darkness, then went back to my apartment.79

Mr Long's doors finally opened and his client walked out. I noticed his eyes were reddened as if he cried. I smiled to the stranger, remembering how many times I shed my tears in that office. Mr. Long could really get you to tell him everything. 80

"I'm sure everything is going to get better, just try to look at things from a different perspective. Be happy, son." The doctor said and the man smiled lightly at his last words. They were more comforting than you could imagine.81

"I'm sorry I had to make you wait, Justin, but come on in." He said with his calming smile reminding me of Lara's smile. I walked in and doc closed the doors behind me. I sat on the familiar sofa and he sat on his chair. He didn't have his notebook. It meant this session was free. It was our little agreement, whenever he talked to me just because he wanted to talk to me, it was free, because we talked as friends. When we had our weekly session he looked at me like a doctor looks at his patient, analyzing every word I said. At least that's what he told me once, but the only difference between those sessions I would see was whether they were free or not.82

"So Justin, I called you because of Lara," he looked at my reaction, but I tried really hard to hide my emotions. He didn't need to know everything that happened between us.83

"Is she okay?"84

"Yes, she's fine. But it looks like she can't be with you anymore. She called me about 2 hours ago telling me about her new job in New York," he paused focusing on my face expressions.85

"So you know what happened, huh? Did she also tell you what she said to me?"86

"Yes" He waited for me to open up, not wanting to push me into saying anything. I was looking for the right words, and he didn't interrupt me. It was one of his great qualities, always letting people get their thoughts together.87

"She ruined me," it seemed to be the only thing that I could think of.88

"She did?" he asked and looked at me doubtfully.89

"Yes! She gave me that false hope, that maybe, somehow, I can live happily! She raised me high just to let me go and let me crush and die! Before I met her, I wasn't happy, but I was getting better, or at least getting used to my life. Then I met her, I thought we could do all those crazy things and be happy together! She just helped me realize what I already knew! Good things in life don't last too long." 90

"Yes, you certainly seemed to be happier with her. I noticed you even stopped always looking at the bad side of everything."91

"Exactly! She blinded me! Now I can see all the flaws in life and I can't stand it! I don't want to live like this anymore..."92

"What about her? How did she look at the life?"93

"She only cared about the bright side, so ignorant of the bad things in life..."94

"You mean she was stupid?" he smiled a little95

"No, she just... chose not to focus on all the bad things, she only looked at the bright side."96

"Was she happy?"97

"Yeah, very happy"98

"You know, maybe she wanted you to be as happy as her. She knew about the bad things, right? She just looked at the bright side."99

"Yeah, but I just wanted to show her how I see the world"100

"Maybe she was trying to do the same thing..."101

"That's what she said! But I can't just ignore the flaws in life..."102

"And why not?"103

"Because... life's not that easy..."104

"She managed to do it..."105

Someone knocked on the doors.106

"Yes?" He said a little bit mad107

"I'm sorry doctor, but Mrs Smith is here," Kelly's voice annoyed my ears.108

"I'm really sorry Justin, I know we still have a lot of things to talk about, but maybe we could reschedule this meeting. I'll talk to Kelly and call you soon. It's going to get better, just try to survive a bit, and there's no shame in taking your pills either. Why don't you take one in here, before going home?"109

He advised me to always keep some of his pills with me, and for some reason I always listened to everything he said. I nodded and went towards his bathroom where I took my pill. He waited for me to get out of the bathroom to say his "Be happy, son" to me.110

I walked out of his office and then out of the building. I was walking slowly. The moon was shining in my face, as lonely as me. So many stars around him, yet he was still alone. There was an eclipse quite recently and the moon met the sun. They seemed to be happy, yet for some reason they couldn't stay together. 111

I sighed heavily and kept on walking, a butterfly cut my path flying somewhere in the dark. Lara would say it looked pretty. Everything seemed to look a little bit better through her eyes, even me. I knew the doc was right, even before I talked to him; she didn't ruin my life, she made it better. I was like the moon standing in the sun's way of brightening up the world during an eclipse. That's why the moon belongs to the night, while the sun belongs to the day. They can't be together.112

The butterfly was flying high, as if unaware of his upcoming death. Maybe he was happier that way. It's true, not thinking about his death wouldn't prevent him from dying, but neither would thinking about it. Nothing around me was going to change, no matter what I was thinking. I was going to go home, take my meds, go to sleep, get more meds and go to work. My routine wasn't going to change. Sure, it changed when I met her, but now everything was going back to normal. 113

Once again the butterfly flew gracefully in front of my eyes. It seemed to be happy not thinking about its upcoming death. I smiled lightly, he was just like Lara. I remembered doc's words "You know, maybe she wanted you to be as happy as her. She knew about the bad things, right? She just looked at the bright side," I was sick of all the bad things in my life, after all that's where my suicidal thoughts came from. The butterfly wasn't thinking about the bad things. I could always try to be like it, and who knows, maybe the power of thoughts was greater than anyone would expect, maybe I was going to get off my medication by myself, then meet someone to share my love with, and be happy. Maybe somehow the butterfly was going to live longer, maybe it will never die and become the eternal butterfly. And if it didn't work? Well, at least it would die happily.