Chapter One21
I can't sleep. Everything is tumbling around and around in my head, I can feel the migraine coming on now, I really hate the migraines. They come on any time, day or night. It's really just an annoyance. I leaned over to Curtis, sound asleep, as usual. His nearly hairless chest rising and falling in the deep repetitive sounds of slumber. My fingers slowly trail from his naval to neck, tracing his collarbone and finally resting on his pulsing heartbeat. It was beautiful, a constant "thump thump" against my fingertips. This is what told me he was alive, he was real. He trusts me so much, to be sound asleep, never knowing the thoughts I am having. Wouldn't he be surprised?32
I rose out of bed, not worried about waking him. He's a hard sleeper. I put on my jogging pants, and went outside. It's two in the morning, no one is going to be out, so I really don't need to worry. I ran down the street, past Cumberland Terrace, turning left onto Dwalt Avenue. I live in a fairly decent part of town, but like any town, the bad areas are just a stone's throw away. I try to steer clear of them, but sometimes it just doesn't go that way. I let my feet guide me where they want. A moment later, four dark shadows emerged from the side of a house. The lump in my throat told me what they were there for. I guess there is no better time like the present. 43
"Hey sweetheart, Where you goin' all dressed up?" the largest shadow purred in a sickly sweet manner.54
Just run, I keep saying to myself, maybe they will give up. A quick glance behind me shows that they are keeping about 10 steps away from me. Sizing me up I guess. I stop, turning around, I heard somewhere that stopping to face your attackers can throw them off guard, get them to make a mistake. There wasn't going to be any mistakes now, I had to fight my life for it.65
"What?" I answered. Trying to make myself sound rough.76
"Just wanna have a little fun wit cha sweetie, Why don't you come here, and let me show ya what fun is all about" I heard a cackling in the group, as one of the guys said this.87
"Go to hell!" I turned around and started running. I knew they would chase after me, they were after all, pawns of human nature. When they sense an animal small and defenseless, it's only natural to chase it down, like a cat with a mouse.98
Sensing that one was directly behind me, I whipped around and landed a sharp kick to the man's stomach. I heard a whoosh of air, and watched him tumble to the ground, a sharp crack echoed through the street as his head came in contact with the cement. His friends, seeing that I wasn't just going to be taken easily, all walked together now. 109
"Let's see if you can get that lucky a second time" the largest one purred again.1110
"Bite me asshole" I yelled as I took off running full speed. I could hear them hooting and hollering. The thrill of the chase. I only had a few seconds lead on them, what I did next could have killed me. I stopped dead in my tracks like a car slamming on brakes. They ran right past me. It took all I had to keep from laughing. They had no idea I was toying with them. The one closet to me still had his back turned, I put my leg in front of his and pushed him down, pulling his legs out from under him. I heard a sickening crack as his nose broke on the concrete. 1211
"You bitch!" He yelled, I grabbed his hair and slammed him back into the ground. 1312
I didn't notice Mr big man as he circled around behind me. Grabbing my hair and yanking me to my feet, I couldn't help but cry out. Which only made his grip tighter. 1413
"So you wanna play is that it you little slut? We can play, We like to play" He spoke softly, deliberately, with death as his tone. I knew if I didn't get out of there soon, it would all be over. There were still two guys left. I had to think of something, quick. 1514
They led me into the house from the shadows where they had appeared. It had a realtor sign in front of it, figures.
Author notes
I couldnt sleep, and this popped in my head....Maybe its the rain.
In a list
- Anything Group group list • next in list
- Something In The Shadows group list • next in list
- Penned to the Letter group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think, Be HONEST!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
Scary! Sounds like a very bad situation for the woman. Hope she gets away.
-
This is chilling. I got goosebumps reading it. The only thing I would suggest it that some of the commas could be replaced by periods. That way instead of long run-on sentences, you would have short snappy sentences that at the same time would add to the pace of the writing.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
wow, this just give me the chills.
-
Wow...
Very spooky, I loved it. I felt like this all the time growing up wandering the streets of the city. Thankfully nothing ever happened to me. Great Job and Keep up the Great Work!
ScarletFox
-
First my currections:
Para one:
- The migraine should be a migraine... I really hate the migrains should just be migrains.
Para six:
10 should be ten
Para 12:
like a car slamming on (its) braks.
Also, at the end of your dialog lines you need to put a camma, if its followed by he said, I said, whatever, if its the end of the sentence than a period.
This was interesting but a bit sudden and confusing. Did she mean to get herself into that? You were talking about her wanting some trouble in her life than she goes and gets cuaght by some thugs, was that intentional? Thank you for entering my contest (again) and good luck (again). -
the plot is easy to follow and the activity taking place can be seen
Hello Chrissy, great opening chapter, pulls your reader right into the story
.
Lots of action taking place to keep up the heightened mood you have created
. I suppose you might consider a bit more description of the characters, but that’s a matter of style. As for the plot is easy to follow and the activity taking place can be seen.
You did surprise me when the Big Man was able to capture her—she seemed so self-assured. Of course the men leading her towards the empty house is a good hook.
You will need to do a bit of editing (don’t we all ) You don’t appear to like apostrophes
—I pointed out most of the missing ones. And a few other things to look at:
I cant (can’t) sleep.
His nearly hairless chest rising and falling in the deep repetative (repetitive) sounds of slumber.
. This is what told me he was alive, he was real. He trusts me so much, to be sound asleep, Never (never) knowing the thoughts I am having. wouldn’t (Wouldn’t ) he be surprised?3
this doesn’t sound so good for him.
It's two in the morning, no one is going to be out, so I really dont ( don’t)need to worry.
the bad areas are just a stones (stone’s) throw away. I try to steer clear of them, but sometimes it just doesnt (doesn’t) go that way.
. A moment later, 4 (four) dark shadows emerged from the side of a house.
the largest shadow purred in a sickly sweet mannar (manner).5
, Iheard (I heard)somewhere that stopping to face your attackers can throw them off gaurd, (guard)
"Just wanna have a little fun wit cha sweetie, Why dont you come here, and let me show ya what fun is all about
I whipped around and landed a sharp kick to the mans (man’s) stomach.
His friends, seeing that I wasnt (wasn’t) just going to be taken easily, all walked together now. 10
I stopped dead in my tracks like a car slamming on breaks (brakes).
I heard a sickening crack as his nose broke onto (on) the concrete. 12
Geri
-
Good
So far this story is pretty good. However, the main character in this story might be a bit more discriptive of who they are. I understand that Curtis is her husband/boyfriend that seems to not notice her but who is she? Perhaps this is something you can develop further as the chapter develops and use chapter 2 to actually describe who she is and why she's running at 2 in the mornin.
-
WOW!!!! I can't wait to read more of this. I love that the main character is so strong in what she does. I love that she is toying with those men, because I know there is something much deeper in her.
-
Sorry, forgot the clappies
GO CLAPPIES
-
yay!!!
I liky like it. I wonder what will happen, next. dude, I would totally do the same thing you did to the guys, Kick some ass then run hahahaha. like hit and run!! hahahaha. Continue this story, me want to read it. i like it and I hate first person stories with a passion. but this is great. more more more. something good is gonna happen, a lil rape maybe?? It cant be me that does the sex scene . -
woww
i liked it was nice and short, but had thrill and flow. I can't waits to read the next one. Mad Hatress...hmmm very nicebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
I liked this idea. Even people that have happy lives and perfect families are sometimes just as strange and haunted by dark thoughts and horrific desires as other people who happen to have terrible lives. I don't know exactly what your protagonist is craving, but it is obviously out of the "ordinary". I guess variety IS the spice of life.
You describe the action very well. I found a few punctuation errors, like apostrophes and such in your contraction words. I think your prologue could be written to include more foreshadowing of the story to come, but other than that I just look forward to reading more about this peculiar woman and her desire for change.
Well done and good writing!
-
Hmm,
It's good. Not great, but pretty good. There was a few parts I didn't exactly love, and I thought this story couldnt have been written a little more smoohtly, but still You did a good job of writing it. It was a good idea, and I'm not sure why you put in the fact that the character hates everything to be so 'perfect' and 'happy', it just seemed off. I dont know, maybe you'll tie it into the story later. Good job though! If you write more, please contact me. I'd like to read more.
KEEP WRITING!!!
-Melli<33 -
Intriguing
Very well done. I found the action scene a little disconcerting at first but I settled right in. I'm seriously wanting to know what happens next so you have to continue..!
The only thing I noticed was just little wording issue. I thought when you were describing the animalistic behavior of the barbarians *laughs at self* I would suggest that you not say "pawns of human nature" but something more like a pawn to the predator nature... I don't know why but this stood out to me... 
who knows
Great Job!
-
Wow, this is a great story with some amazing imagery in it. It's really interesting that we all seek tranquility and joy in our lives, only to find that we grow tired of it so soon. It's like not being able to satisfy ourselves all of the time.
I love it when a woman stands up for herself like that! It's a terrible feeling to be the victim of such horrid and terrible abuse. People should really learn to mind their own business and stop bothering other people. It would make our world a much more beautiful and safer place to live in.
Great work here my friend and I hope that you continue this very soon! Take care and thanks a lot for sharing this one here!
Jeremy0826
-
Wow...what a crazy little twisted piece of prose! I was really captured by the sudden change in the tone of the story...when she left the house and went out...looking for trouble, basically. It was gripping. I really hope you keep adding to this one, because I wanted to know what hapeens next!
It appealed to me...the sweet little housewife and mother living a double life...Raar!beginning: 1, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
