The Hunger1
For days she watched him from afar, tasting him with her eyes. She was waiting for the perfect time to have that taste on her moist tung for real. Today was the day, today was finally the time she would feel the rush of the feed, the pulse in her heart, and the satisfaction it brings. She would feed.2
He Was sitting in the old gazebo, were he spent lonely hours writing under the Virginia moonlight. The girl approached him, her heart pulsed and her hands trembled as she walked up and sat next to him. He looked at her, his heart stricken by her dark hair and her pale smooth skin, she was just the kind of girl he adored.3
"He... Hello", she said stuttering.4
"Why hello there", he responded, his voice soothing and calm.5
"I'm Grace and uhh...", she couldn't even finish her sentence, she had to get a grip on her hunger if her plan was to come together.6
"Grace?... Such a pretty name, they call me Dave".7
Grace scooted closer and peered at Dave's writings, "Is this what your allways doing when you come out here?"8
"Yes I'm a bit of a poet", he responded, "I can't really write at my place... the roommate's a bit noisy". 9
"Oh... Do you live in the apartments up over the hill?", she asked.10
"Yeah... it's a bit of a walk over here but i find that it's worth it"11
Grace curled up, feeling the goose bumps on her arms, "It's so cold Dave... Would you like to come write at my place, i promise I'll be quiet as a mouse.12
Dave sat up, pulled a cell phone from the pockets of his khaki pants and leaned up against a pillar. The phone rang three times and there was finally an answer, "Hello... Yeah hey Greg... Yeah I'm gonna be at a girls house... Just met her... Yeah, I will hahahah... Okay... Later", Dave hung up his phone and walked back over toward Grace. 13
"Okay, follow me Dave, it's not far", she said, grabbing his wrist with her cold pale hands. She drug him through the thick black over nights over a dry field and under a starless sky. Lights came to view in the distance and as the grew close they reviled a small cabin. Grace lead him up to the hardwood door, turned the knob and showed him in."Es mi casa", she said. Dave looked around, there was a fireplace, Kitchen with nice marble counters and it was decorated with native american style furniture.14
"so tell me grace, you didn't drag me all the way here just so you could watch me write... did you?", said Dave.15
"Hehe your good... I'm sure we can find something more exciting to do around here", Grace said sexily, licking her lips. She moved into the kitchen and grabbed a few glass bottles filled with whine from the pantry, "Do you like red or white?" 16
"Red is fine", said Dave17
"Good cause red is all i have", laughed Grace as she poured a few glasses. She handed him a glass and said, "you always looked so lonely out there, I had to come talk to you"18
"Yeah, i don't get out much".19
"What!? No girlfriend", Grace Exclaimed.20
"No, not for a while", responded Dave.21
"Well that's gonna have to changed", Grace poured another glass and moved up closer,"I can teach you a thing or two"22
"I'll be a good student", Dave said cleverly.23
"Good now come with me", Grace said as she showed over to the bedroom. There was a cabin style bed, and a night stand... nothing special. Grace took Dave's arms and wrapped them around her waist. She pressed her lips up against his as he slowly peeled off her shirt and she remover his black coat. They spun slowly in each others arms and fell softly onto the bed. Dave was in a complete romantic daze as Grace flipper over on top of him and unbuttoned his white collard shirt. He gently stroked her hair while she began kissing his chest and worked her way up to his neck. "You have no idea how much i've needed this", Grace whispered into his ear softly.24
As the night heated up so did her hunger, her eye's became dark red and her teeth grew jagged and sharp. she flared her lips showing two rows of sharp knives. Dave cringed as her nails sank into his chest, he tried to break free but she wouldn't let him out of her grip. She then lowered her jaws to his neck and bit down spraying blood onto her face as she savagely thrashed her head.25
"Oh yes! It's so good", Grace yelled as she smeared blood all over her exposed skin. Dave simply lay there, speechless and horrified and then... fell unconscious.26
Grace tore herself from her meal and stumbled off into the bathroom. Her sin washed away in a red whirlpool down her shower drain. As she stumbled out of the shower she grew dizzy. Her body then met the ground and like Dave... she fell unconscious. 27
When she awoke it was morning. Dave was in the corner, skin pale and torn, eyes pupil-less, and his hunger insatiable. She walked up to him and pressed her moist lips on his neck, "Looks like my baby made a full recovery".28
Dave shoved her to the ground, "What have you done to me!"29
"Now calm down darling", said Grace as she stood up, "and let me show you the power in your hunger". Grace pulled out the cell phone from Dave's pocket and flipped it open, "now what was your roommates name again?"30
"Greg", Dave said with a rasp.31
"Good, good, now wait here while i call you some breakfast"32
Greg was a 24 year old punk rocker, had a black mohawk, and was a little on the chubby side. He was generally a friendly person so an early morning phone call didn't bother him to much.33
"Hello?", said Greg after he lifted the telephone from the receiver.34
"Hey this is Grace... Dave's new friend", responded Grace.35
"Oh hey, whats up?", Greg said yawning.36
"Dave want's you to come meet up with us, we're in the cabin out in the field across from the gazebo"37
"Oh alright, i'll be over in a bit". Greg hung up the phone and rolled out of bed. He threw on some clothes and his leather jacket that was all made up with band patches and pins. It was foggy out, as with any winter Virginia morning, but Greg could see for the most part. When he arrived at the cabin he noticed the door was open so he peeked in his head and said, "Hey! You in here bro?"38
"Come on in Greg", said Grace, "Dave is waiting for in in the room down the hall". Greg hung his jacket on a coat hanger by the down and started down the hall but was the halted by a haunting voice.39
"Well hello there Greg", said Dave creepily, "I've been waiting for you". Dave had crawled up the wall and was hanging from the ceiling like a human gecko. Greg simply stood there, frozen in terror as Dave snarled and his mouth foamed. Before Greg could get a word to pass his lips Dave had pounced from the ceiling onto his back.40
"Argggh! What the hells wrong with you", yelled Greg as Dave's teeth ripped in to his shoulder. He took a hard fall to the floor, Dave still latched on and feeding on him violently. Grace, who was aroused by the bloodshed, pulled Dave from Greg's body and forced him into the bedroom, shouting the door behind her.41
Grace released him out of her violent intimacy forty-five minutes later. He returned to Greg's body and assured himself that he was definantly dead. As he grew disgusted with what he had done his vision became abstract and distorted. Violent images of killing and bloodshed tormented his mind. That's when the voices set in...42
"Your a killer Dave... a disgusting bloody monster... You don't deserve life... Your blood shall spill just as your friends". The voices Persisted in the back of his mind until he couldn't even take it anymore. He grabbed his coat from off the floor and pulled a small revolver from the inside pocket. He pressed it tightly under his chin, pulled the trigger... Then everything went black.
Author notes
I think i corrected all the spelling and grammer errors, if i missed any then tell me.
Username- RubySoho
A contest entry
- Vampire Lust and Love by BlamedRobin.
450 points, ended January 20, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best Vampire Story by CrystalTigress.
175 points, ended February 25, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Almost Anything Contest! Something For Everyone! by amanda vampiress.
825 points, ended March 14, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - VAMPIRES! Twilight or not twilight! As Long as there are VAMPIRES!! by Toxic Valentine.
115 points, ended April 24, 47 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twilight. by brittany.geeze.
100 points, ended February 11, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Worst Clichéd Vampire Ever - Yes - These are real shockers... by tallblondie.
220 points, ended February 26, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire Romance --CLOSED-- by Reaver.
800 points, ended April 7, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Let's see who can do this right!! by Andiness.
456 points, ended May 4, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
Servicable, but flat
Rat, I can see the passion here in your description of the setting and the way you portray Grace as a predator on the prowl so successfully. I also understand the usage of the human sex drive as a tool for bringing about man's demise, and you touch on that theme, but sparsely. This story, though, does not convey the best of your ability as a writer.
The characters, especially Dave, suffer from one dimensional syndrome, a problem wherein they have no true depth and are only vehicles to tell the story. Normally, this isn't a true problem if the story that is being told is interesting or at all original, but the story never rises above a conventional portrayal of vampires and their characteristics. I enjoy the fact that Dave commits suicide upon learning his fate. I do not, however, sympathize with him; because he came off as flat and unlikable, his demise evokes no emotional response. I am aware that some characters are meant to come off as distasteful, but Dave neither garners my sympathy nor evokes my ire; he is flat, uninteresting, and portrayed as a typical twenty something male driven mostly by sex. Again, that's fine, if it's done well, but you never manage to get into his head successfully, which is precisely where you need to be in order to have Dave come across as anything more than a stock character to be killed off in a twist ending.
There are good elements at play here, which deserve exploration, potentially in future works. Grammatical issues detract minimally from the experience, while your characters leave something to be desired. Your descriptions are greatly realized, while your dialogue is flawed and contrived, in parts, flat in others.
The biggest areas you need to work on, if this work is any indication, are the characters and their interplay; your story and themes are great, but you need to give them more driving force. That is precisely what characters are about. Use them effectively, and your stories will improve.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
-
-
Thanks, and to be completely honest with you, this was my first actual short story outside of a school asignment. I actually really hate this story, so i wont be fixing any of it
-
-
"Well that's gonna have to changed"
should be change (paragraph 22)
"I'll be a good student," Dave said cleverly (Paragraph 23)
It's not clever, it's cliche. you may want to edit that part
...as Grace flipper over on top of him (p 24)
flipped, I think is what you meant
her eye's (p 25) no apostrophe needed
didn't bother him to much (p 33) should be "too"
These are all grammatical recommendations; the next post is my review. -
The turning part was pretty quick, but pretty good overall. I actually found myself commenting out loud as I read this one ("He did not!" "Don't listen to her!") an d thats unusual for me, so you can really tell I liked this.
It went a little quick for me though, I mean, I love how you condensed what could have been a novel-like story, but part of me doesn't want it condensed, its very good and at the end, with the suicide part, I wish that hadn't been so quick
-
Very good
You did very well in surprising me Thanks for entering and good luck .
-
Finally, an emo vampire.
Though I would have thought the whole 'kill myself due to remorse' thing would be a tad difficult for a vampire to pull off. *shrugs* For a piece that is 'edited' - I still found enough for this story to fit rule 3. Same for the cliched characters and dialogue.
*is forgetting that she promised an ego-enhancing comment*
My bad...
WOW!!! That was teh coolest thing Ive read all day.
Thanks for your entry. -
i loved it.. good work
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
good good good
This was definately not what I was expecting on reading.
I was expecting her to change him and all that jazz...lol
I like this better though.
Although the ending was pretty sad. He probably didn't die, seeing as vamps are immortal. Anyways, if he did it'd probably be better for him.
I would kill myself too if I killed my friend..
Oh well...
Great story and great job
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
-
Interesting,, I like your take on it.
-
I enjoyed your story. It got straight to the point. It kept me interested. Thank you for entering. Good luck!
-
Very good job!
I enjoyed reading your story. The plot I thought was rather well thought out. It was a bit fast paced for my liking, but I'm not complaining. The characters were the best part to me. I loved their dialogue, and yes, your use of a metaphor. As I was reading the passage, I thought the characters were well described, as well as the ease at which the reader could distinguish between them.
Overall, I liked your story. It reminded me of Hollywood types of Vampires movies, but I like that you gave it your own twists. Especially the end where he kills himself by shooting himself in the head. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
-
nice job
thanks you for entering my contest. now i have a lot of entries, but good luck too. i will be rereading all the entries before even choosing finalists. Good Luck and keep writing. -
Oh and only the movie sucked not the book. Even though I love it with all my heart, it sucked major except for the kissing lmao.
-
This was quite good. I like most of the descriptions. You had a lot of grammar errors but other than that it was fine. I would have liked it better if Grace was lonely and looking for someone. Then she found Dave and fell in love. Or she could have just used him in order not to fell lonely anymore, but what's done, is done lol. Good job
-
-
thanks, grace wanted his blood and for him t be a vampire, she was lustfull for another of her kind, only ways she could really mate lol, my vampires are less sophisticated and more savage, i think there better that way
-
-
Oh....that was...a little scary...lol....but good job.
-
i didnt know you were good at short story writes. haha i think you should make the title more creative but as for the rest of it it was very interesting darlin.
-
long...............but good
-
Interesting start
I thought the story felt a bit rushed, but then you explained why. I thought you put an interesting twist at the end, but thought you should have had Grace in the last scene.
-
So i really liked this it was intense and i was eye locked to my screen the whole time! and this
yeah thats right! a Metaphore mother*bunny*s!) made me laugh alot! but one question...err whats it have to do with twilight
-
like a short film
I think you might have success as a screenwriter as your writing is very narrative driven and visual. You know about the spelling, grammer etc. I think this would make a good short film with excessive use of blood and screaming, cool
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
