What Do You Live For?

The pills scattered carelessly over the expensive carpeting, the bottles of liquor dripping and soaking into the sheep skin rugs the foul odor lingering in the extravagant penthouse, the expensive items that had been collected over the many years of traveling and others received as gifts were shatter and thrown recklessly. Portraits torn down from the walls, vases shattered.1

I knew I had been too late, I knew he had been gone. Nate hadn’t quite been the same since his father had passed away a few days ago. He spent the last few days drinking his life away and wasn’t accepting help from anyone and after seeing the mess on the floor I couldn’t allow it to go on any further. 2

I had a strong feeling of where he was, the note soaked in expensive liquor only confirmed it, he was at the he was there I knew it and I knew everyone else had followed him too. They all followed him to the office building his father owned, the business that had been in the family for generations.
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As much as he longed to be alone no one would let him; not after they knew how fragile he was and how he was seconds away from breaking.3


The thunder rumbled softly a gentle warning to that for worse to come, I knew now that there really was no more time to waste I pulled my suede trench coat over my head and ran out of the penthouse not bothering to pick up after the trail of destruction that was left behind.4

***5

The drugs and the liquor pumped dangerously throughout my body, the burning liquid heat in my veins as the rain poured over me seeping through my clothing as the lightening illuminated the menacing black sky and the thunder exploding. I was perched on the ledge looking back every so often towards the ground where the people running in from storm appeared like fast moving insects.6

I lifted my head as I heard the various voices call my name, my head feeling like it weighed a ton as my eyes met every single persons gaze. The world appearing so different to me, everything lacking its color, people standing and staring at me in black and white but their eyes; their eyes all of the color remained; all of it focused sharply and brilliantly contrasting on the cruel gray world.7

Their eyes held the emotions that their mouths weren’t emitting. All of them had that fearful look in their eyes, all of them. I stared each of them intensely in the eyes. I began to wonder what I really had to live for. My father died just a mere few days ago, I find out that my mother is in love with another man and has been in love with him for almost two years now and then there is my sister Sarah poor girl didn’t do anything but god help me because I couldn’t think of the reason at the moment as to how she had done something to wrong me.8

Lastly stood Aaron my brother a few years younger than me, he was a hopeful twit that believed that everything would be okay. That if I listened to them that we would all go back to the way things were and we would sing while skipping off into the fucking sunset.9

The truth is, is that I’m the fuck up here. I am not the hope or future for this family that’s Sarah and Aaron. Truth is I didn’t care about any of these people standing before me; all of them had betrayed me or hurt me one way or another. The only person I cared about was dead, cold, and his flesh being slowly eaten away at by insects.10

“Nate please come down!” My mother Lilly pleaded for me.11

"Shut up you bitch! You're the reason I'm here! You're the reason he died, and you're the reason I'm about to die too!" I shouted lividly to her.12

I didn’t want to listen to her anymore I wasn’t going to, I refused to do so I didn’t even consider her my mother. I stood there staring back at her, not muttering a single word from my lips.13

“Please come down Nate! You don’t have to do this come down we’ll help you and things will get better!” Aaron’s annoyingly hopeful voice like an afterschool special. 14

"Shut up Aaron! You're a foolish hopeless twit, when are you going to realize that I'm not getting better that I'm a fuck up!" I retorted angrily over the storm my voice filled with rage.15

I gave them all a slow dangerous smile as I lifted one leg and swung it around out past the edge, I felt my body sway dangerously close to falling. The collective gasps from my family and even the yelp my sister released seemed to have satisfied the monster growing inside of me. That sick monster that knew that I, right now was playing with my own fate, that I was straddling the line of life and death right now.16

Part of me wanted to die, that sick satisfaction of watching myself plummet from thirty stories to the sidewalk below watching the faces of the people I’ve known my whole life shrink in the distance as the wind whipped through my hair and then I hear the spine numbing crack, that crack that tells me it’s over. As the excruciating pain overtakes I and I suffer on the ground feeling my blood pool around me.17

I know there won’t be a choir waiting for me or angels leading me to where I was about to go, the pain; the darkness they were waiting for me. My life wanting to fleet away from me as I was ebbed into my own fate.18

Slowly I turned my back on all of them; I had made up my mind and I knew that if that fall didn’t kill me which didn’t seem like that I wouldn’t die; the drugs in the liquor would definitely do the damn trick. I took one final cold breath the rain dripping off the end of my hair. My steel gray eyes trapped in a haze as the drugs felt like they were finally doing their trick I could literally feel my heart beating faster and slower at the same time, it was exhilarating and rushing just like thirty story free fall I was going to do.19

My right leg swung over the edge, I heard the cries from my family but turned them out; closing my eyes only to focusing on my suicidal thoughts. I hovered dangerously over the edge this was it, eighteen years coming to a screaming end. 20

“Nate no!” 21

My eyes ripped open, the one voice; that angelic voice cut through my thoughts like scissors through paper. I slowly turned my head back and there she was standing in the doorway that lead to the rooftop I had brought myself to. My eyes flew past everyone only to land on her’s, those warm brown eyes melting into mine filled with fear, sadness, and desperation. 22

Sophia stood there her brown hair cascading down past her shoulders clung to her wet from the rain, her make up running down her cheeks as the rain pounded angrily on the roof. She stood there, her face soft and an almost innocent glow around her23

Her voice was soft, unlike the rest who screamed for me; “Nate please, come down I don’t want you to do this to yourself. Forget about everyone else because no one else matters.” She edged herself closer to me like she was stalking an animal in the woods trying not to make a sudden move to frighten it.24

“Nate please, listen to me; don’t listen to anyone else. I know it hurts right now and you need help and I want to be that for you. Nate I love you please come down from there.”25

Sophia didn’t beg or plead her voice was different I could feel it, feel her love burning through the walls I had created.26

The walls I tried so hard to build up because she didn’t deserve someone like me, she deserved the best and I definitely wasn’t the best. I was the worst. I tried so hard to convince her of that, but, she wouldn’t leave it; the truth was I was in love with her too but I didn’t want to hurt her, not anymore and if I was not to hurt her then, I had to listen to her.27

I looked back once more just to make sure if I really wanted to turn back, to really give it all another shot I looked back to Sophia who had outstretched her arms waiting for me to embrace with her. I took the first step down off the edge my other leg still placed on it, on my left leg it felt like I placed a tremendous weight on it.28

I could barely keep myself standing at all; I placed the other leg down to have some sort of semblance of balance but the weight became too much, my thoughts and emotions swirled dizzily in my head as the sound of the wind howled in my ears making my head throb. I attempted to advance away towards Sophia and felt my legs drag slowly behind me, my muscles aching with pain even though I had done no serious physical damage to my outsides it was obvious it was occurring on the inside.29

The movement became too much, all of it the swirling gray the erratic beating of my heart; my rapid breath I couldn’t control anything for much longer. I felt myself collapse onto her arms and I knew my athletic frame couldn’t be supported by Sophia alone; she was so fragile and petite almost like a beautiful porcelain doll. She fell with me and allowed me to rest my heavy head into her lap.30

She looked down at me shaking me trying to keep me conscious, moving my hair from my face, I felt my eyes fluttering as I saw the many blurs surround Sophia only, Sophia was in perfect view to me everyone else just a gray blur. Sophia stood out like a brightly colored parrot in a black and white film in my eyes I took her hand into mine and looked into those caring brown eyes and whispered,31

“You deserve so much better than me, you’ve always been there to save me; but I could never be there to save you. I love you Sophia.” 32

Just like that it all stopped the noise; the storm, the drugs; the liquor. Everything faded all the sounds were muffled and muted the only thing I heard now was the faint cry which seemed so distant being emitted from Sophia.33

Everything else just slipped away into that dark silence I was longing for. The further I slipped away, the harder I tried to hang on. I realized I made a mistake and now I didn’t know if it was too late or not. I tried to climb back but everything was becoming harder to grab a hold of, I just kept falling faster and deeper into darkness.34

I tried to call out but my voice was trapped in my throat like my mouth had been sewn shut. I changed my mind I wanted to turn back but there was no turning back, I allowed myself to get caught up in my own demons so it was time for me to face the truth…35

There was no more turning back.