Contest Entry- title? not sure

Have you ever been surrounded by people, and felt completely alone?
It's the most horrible feeling in the world. The loneliness and self-hatred is almost enough to destroy you from the inside out.
I know 'tis the season to be jolly but I didn't care anymore. I didn't know how I was going to get through this Christmas, since the last one had been so horrendous.
The British weather was no help, as usual. I took solace in staring at the rain as it fell against my window, pressing my cheek against the cold glass. I heard the door open and close, followed by brief murmurs of small talk. I ignored this as tears fell, imitating the pattern of the raindrops on my window. I didn’t hear the footsteps on the stairs as I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my arms.
My bedroom door opened slowly and I heard someone sigh. The sigh didn’t tell me much, but it wasn't a sigh of exasperation, or relief, or tiredness. It was a sigh of empathy and understanding. At this point in my life there was only one person who I felt could possibly understand what I was going through. Chris.
I looked up and slid off the window seat, wrapping my arms around him. We held onto each other as tight as we could, both knowing the significance of tomorrow- Christmas Eve- and understanding the pain each other was going through. Although tomorrow was supposed to be the first day of joy, for us it was the day of painful memories. The time when my heart was ripped apart at the seams, leaving gaps and seams filled with grief and anguish.1


It was supposed to be the happiest Christmas ever, we were young and in love and I was six months pregnant. I had always wanted to be a mother, and I had found a soul-mate in Chris when we were both still teenagers living at home. Five years after we met, we were traveling back home to visit our parents and spend Christmas with our family. I vividly remember the exact details of the beginning of the end. This is because I replayed the scene over and over in my head, wondering what possible different outcomes there could have been.
I was tuning the radio, trying to find a station playing an old Christmas song. Chris was relaxed and smiling at me whenever he caught my eye. I had leant back and put my fingers through his, sliding my other arm around my stomach protectively. I looked out at the frozen ground and smiled as the sun lit up my face. I heard a squeal of brakes from in front and jerked my head back as the cars in front slammed to a halt, crashing into each other. Panicking, I gave a fleeting look to Chris, whose eyes were scrunched up in concentration, and both hands were on the wheel now. He swerved to avoid the cars in front of us and we rolled up onto the green bank. I breathed a sigh of relief and twisted slowly in my seat to look back at the road. What I saw made me realize that we weren’t out of danger. Not yet. Maybe not ever. The huge red lorry that had been traveling two cars behind us for a good portion of the journey had performed the same maneuver as us, swerving onto the bank. It was heading straight for us. I screamed, grabbing Chris’ hand. There was nothing either of us could do but hope we’d make it out alive as the huge red monster bore down on us at full speed.
The next few hours aren’t present in my memory, as I lost consciousness after the back of the car met with the front.2

I woke up ten hours later, in a hospital bed surrounded by tubes and beeping machines. Chris was sat next to my bed, with his chin against his chest and his forehead resting on his palms. I silently checked him over for any obvious damage and sighed when I realized that he was going to be fine if he was sat there with me. My sigh alerted him, and he appeared to have aged ten years since I had last seen him.
“Hey,” I whispered throatily, searching for his hand with mine.
“Hey,” he whispered back almost as throatily. It sounded like he had been crying, not that he’d ever admit it, I thought with a smile. “How’re you feeling?”
I thought about my answer before I spoke, I couldn’t place exactly what the pain was that I was feeling. “I feel like I’ve been hit by a lorry,” I tried to joke. “Too soon?” I asked as he grimaced. He smiled and I saw some of himself return momentarily.
“Trust me, I’d rather you be saying that than nothing at all. There’s just…the doctors wanted to speak to you about what happened to you.” Chris face became very solemn and I frowned, wincing as I realized that this hurt.
“What’s the prognosis, then?”
Chris paused before answering, as if he was wondering whether to let the doctors tell me or not.
“I’ll get the doctors to tell you the full report. I blacked out a little bit after they told me that you were going to be okay.” He smiled at me, but it was a weary smile, seeming strange on his face. “There is something I should tell you though, Nicola.”
Chris took a deep breath, and in that moment I realized what felt wrong.
“The baby didn’t make it, honey. They tried to save you both. But they couldn’t do anything. They told me that the baby’s heart stopped before you got to the hospital. They had to do everything they could to keep you alive.”
I listened in absolute silence, and tears began to flow down my face. Chris stood up and wrapped his arms around me, holding me as tight as he could- as if he never wanted to let me go. I ignored the shooting pains when I moved and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer to me, trying to do the same thing as he was. 3


I realized that we were embracing each other like a life line at sea. I wiped away the tears under my eyes and kissed Chris softly on the lips. He cupped his hand around my cheek and lifted my face up so he could see into my agonized eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered gently but fervently.
“Always and forever,” I whispered back as we stared into each others eyes. I followed him downstairs as he took my cold hand into his and turned towards the door to greet my family.
In November of last year we had bought the house, so we had more room with a baby on the way. Now it was filled with empty rooms. Fortunately, those were easily filled with family members. They had perhaps sensed the raw pain that would encase me, and Chris, though he was being strong for me I could tell he was tortured inside.
Over the next few days I sat, surrounded by family and friends, trying to laugh and smile, and enjoy watching my sister’s children open their presents, all the while knowing that I could have so easily have been watching my own child open presents with them. I was in the middle of people who loved me and cared about me, and yet I felt completely alone. I put on a pretense of normality, but I think they saw through it. Chris certainly did, anyway. It was easier to feign that I was recovering quicker than I actually was when I was sat leaning into Chris’ warm embrace. 4

I didn’t understand, at first, how I would ever be able to feel the same again. I didn't think i would ever be happy again. And I was right in some ways. I never did feel the same again. At times, when I remembered, I felt numb and alone, no matter where I was or who I was with. But gradually the pain would ease, or that’s what they said at least. After the festivities I recognized that nobody had been fooled by my false laughter and smiles. But far from being a bad thing I realized that, however much you feel alone, you never truly are. Sometimes bad things happen, but that’s life. Life is hard, and it can seem unfair at times. But the happiness, laughter and love make the bad times blurred, although rarely forgotten.