Ric

I was never going to remember that night ever again. I was never going to think about him ever again. But today, seeing all these… memories, all these knick-knacks he’d given me, all these little, innocuous mementos, I need to remember. And I cried.1

***2

It was the first day back at school. I was dreading senior year, because well, my best, and only, friend, Allie, had moved to Alabama, and I’m basically friendless now. I didn’t even hope to make any new friends, because everyone would be people I’d known since kindergarten, and I already know I don’t fit in with them.3

I trudged to my new locker warily, looking down at the linoleum floor, trying to avoid those awkward situations where you happen to catch the glance of someone you know, and the both of you try to pretend you didn’t see each other. So, I don’t know what I did that made me catch his attention. Oh no, contrary to popular belief, I didn’t try to talk to him first, or, according to one particularly vicious rumour, “throw myself at him”.4

I was just standing here, sweeping my books from the locker shelf into my wide-open messenger bag, when I felt someone slam the locker door next to mine. “Having a bad day?”5

I concentrated on stuffing my Biology text into my already full bag, certain that that question was directed at someone else.6

What I didn’t count on was that this person, whom I hadn’t even seen yet, would reach out his hand, cup my chin, and gently tug my face towards his.7

I yanked my face from his hold and crashed my locker door close violently. I didn’t know why I was being such a Class-A bitch, but the sight of his face seriously irked me.8

It was not that he’s repulsive—on the contrary, he’s incredibly good-looking, if you go for the chiseled jaw thing—but I just hate people who, short of a better word, barge their way into your life. Especially if you are the type who repel all sorts of external influence, and exist as a lone island.9

Whatever.10

I just hated him on first sight.11

***
That was a mistake, I was soon to find out. Ricardo Johnson did not take no for an answer. Ricardo Johnson. Even his name sounded so smooth and nice. So perfect. So wondrous.12

***
I was slouched back in my seat during Lit class, half-asleep amid Mr. Orby’s mindless droning, when suddenly someone gave my chair such a violent kick I almost flew out of it. I jerked up and blinked innocently at Orby, who was glowering down at me.13

“Thank you, Ricardo.” Mr. Orby glared at me. “Now may we have the pleasure of Miss Carlson’s attention?” The class snickered.14

“Yeah. Right.” I stared intently at the front of the class.15

Finally, the bell rang. I grabbed my bag and slung it across one shoulder, preparing to make a quick escape from the dreary pits of school.16

“Hey, wait.” I glanced back over my shoulder, but continued striding briskly towards the door of the classroom.17

He reached out and grabbed my arm. I shrugged it off. “What is it, Johnson? I’m kind of in a hurry here,” I said testily. 18

“Yeah, Carlson. What’s your problem?”19

I fumed silently. “Whatever.” I strode off.20

***
I was at the Underground Pass watching Xavier and his gang beat up Hatchwick and his cronies when Ricardo arrived. He took one look at the bloody scene, and dragged me out of there.21

“What?” I was majorly annoyed. I swallowed the candy I’d been chewing and glared at him. 22

“What? What are you doing with them?” Ricardo looked horrified. 23

I gritted my teeth. “They are my friends. And what I do is none of your business.” I turned to walk back in.24

“Charlis.” I stopped, but didn’t turn. “Do you really want me out of your life?”25

I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”26

***
It was all supposed to end like that. There was never supposed to be anything else. But I was too stupid, and dumb, to know any better. I failed to recognize the signs God sent me, didn’t thank my lucky stars that I’d managed to escape from him the first time. Life was ironic. Maybe it was all destined to be.27

Anyway, after I utterly and irrevocably snubbed him that final time round, he left me alone.28

And I started to miss him. I thought of how he’d come by my locker (okay, his was next to mine) everyday, hoping that I’d start talking to him, of how there would always be a note in my locker. I don’t know. He was so good-looking, so popular, but the only person he seemed to want to befriend was me. I couldn’t understand it.29

Normally, the old me would have recognized all these danger signals, and steer clear of such a person. But this time, even I was floored. I actually missed having him around, missed the friendly smiles and words.30

***
So I went to find him the next day. He was in his usual place in the library.31

I gripped the edge of the table he was sitting at, took a deep breath, and sat down. “Hey.” His head remained lowered to the Art text in front of him.32

“Hey, Ric.” I swallowed nervously. All my instincts were telling me to just go, go, go, but my heart refused to let me go. If I didn’t get it clear that day, I knew I’d regret it forever.33

“Uh… I didn’t see you around lately?”34

He finally raised his head and looked at me. “Yeah. You asked me to stay out of your life; I’m doing it right now.” He stood up and moved to walk away. 35

Without even knowing what I was doing, I stood up and grabbed his arm. Just one little gesture, one little impulse, and our fates were sealed forever. I had unwittingly carved out the death path for him, and if he hadn’t known me, all that misery wouldn’t have happened to him. But he hadn’t blamed me; his parting words to me were that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 36

*** 37

I started crying again, looking down at the cheesy snapshot of us in better times. 38

Ricardo gave me a whole new meaning to life. Life was about giving, life was about smiles, joy and laughter, and most importantly of all, life was about love.39

He taught me how to love—something that I’ve never thought truly worthwhile.40

In the six months we were together, my life did a complete 360degrees change. It did an about turn and went from nose-diving towards Hellhole pit to zooming straight up to candyfloss heaven. It smashed through the boundary that happiness used to be separated from me with. It careened straight into this giddy, thrilling, exhilarating roller-coaster ride where I felt I could actually find a purpose to my life. 41

***42

That day in the library, he stared at me. “Why?” it was a whisper of absolute wonderment.43

I stared at him and shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said honestly.44

***
Sorry to sound like a cliché, but my life became a fairytale from that moment onwards. 45

He lived and loved without a care in the world, and his laughter dotted my world with the brilliance of a million pinpricks of light in the black hole of the Universe. Slowly, I learned from him. I learned to let go of my anger and resentment towards the world (okay, people in general) day by day. I witnessed a mugging and could believe that it was just a one-off incident and the whole world was not turning into a gangland of hardcore criminals and drug addicts. He asked me to stop going to the Pass to watch Xavier beat up people. He roped me into the track team (which he was on) and I finally found a place where I could be alone/venting nervous energy/not doing anything illegal at the same time. 46

I started to smile, and I guess that marked the greatest change in me.47

Ever since school started (and Allie left), I’d just been carrying on about each day with a perpetual scowl etched on my face.48

He’d told me once—that the very first time he saw me, this went through his mind, “I thought about what could have happened to that girl with the beautiful eyes, to have made her so upset with the world. I wanted to… wipe that frown off of her face forever.” 49

I stared at him. “Right. Okay.”50

“You are smiling… you are laughing!” 51

He was right—I was cracking up!52

I turned to keep my wide grin to myself, and he reached over and pulled me to him. “I wanna see you smile…” 53

I playfully socked him in the gut and he crushed me against him. “I love you,” I whisper to him at that moment. 54

***
Was it just a one-way thing—our relationship? Did I just took from him and never gave any of it back?55

I don’t know. I really don’t know.56

That night he was caught in that shootout, I was just really afraid of one thing. I was afraid that I would lose him then, and he would never know what he’d meant to me. 57

And all the time, I was regretting my stupidity to agree to help Xavier. I wondered why I’d called Ric and told him about it. All the way on the frantic drive to the Checkpoint, I just knew he was going to get busted. And I was afraid he would never know. 58

Did I see him again?59

No, but that wasn’t important. 60

Did he know how much he mattered? 61

That was what was on my mind the whole of that night. Even till now. 62

Did he know?63

I wonder why he went too. Did he think I’d be there? But I’m past blaming myself at this point. 64

I stare at the grinning Ricardo in the snapshot. His dark tousled hair, his beautiful face, that guileless smile… So happy. So alive.65

“I wanna see that,” Ric comes into the room, flashing that megawatt smile at me. 66

He snatches the photo from my grasp and I tilt my head to the side, reaching out to finger his unruly brown curls.67

Ric… is still here. 68

Not. I stare at our son in a sudden state of overwhelming shock, joy and love.69

Did he know? Did he know, that at that very moment as he lay dying, I’d wanted to tell him about our child? That I was driving to the Checkpoint because I’d just seen the double red bands flashing up like an early Christmas present on the pregnancy test kit? 70

It’s been five years, and Ric, five-year-old Ric, will never know his father.71

“Daddy?” he shoots me that woebegone look his father was such at expert at.72

I smile. The two most important things Ric had given me are all there—in this room of mine. “Yeah. Daddy.” I have little Ric… and I have myself.73

***
I loved Ric, and I still love him. Someplace, somewhere, I wish him well. He is gone and I will have to move on now.74