The Anatomy of Nostalgia - Part I

The Sound of Music1

It’s no surprise that music, being such a large part of my life, stirs up good and bad times. My most nostalgic memory of music association is Rush’s own ‘Spirit of Radio’ and ‘Time Stand Still’. Actually, it’s any Rush song but those, unknowingly, conjure up images of the streetlamps of Vicksburg. It seems like just another small town but not so long ago, it was the image of freedom, of friendship, of love. Many good memories were made on the streets of that small town. All I hold in my heart so dear.2

Other music conjures up images of fun and excitement. With my musical taste ranging from black to white, it’s hard not to associate these tunes with memories.3

Elliot Smith – ‘Fond Farewell’ & ‘Twilight’: One night I spent sleeping next to an angel I felllong and hard for. We slept next to one another on a fold-out couch-bed in my friend’s house in the student ghetto. I wanted nothing more but to feel her skin yet I was too nervous. I placed my hand near hers and when she softly stirred, they touched. All I felt was electric.4

Blink 182 – ‘I’m Feeling This’: Playing a cover of this with an old friend in my cousin’s basement-turned-music room. We would split the vocals. I had the chorus. We didn’t have a care in the world.5

AFI – ‘Love Like Winter’: Driving down 131 south towards my apartment late after a long day at work. I always hoped my roommates were partying with their friends. They were so beautiful. A summer of fun…drunk fun.6

Muse – ‘Hysteria’: Watching an attractive girl from AIT mover her ass as she played it for me at the San Antonio bar known as ‘The Basement’. The heaviest time from drinking casually for me. She reminded me of an angel back home. It was in her eyes. 7

Ace of Base – ‘All That She Wants’: Sleeping in my cousin’s room when I was barely old enough to remember. This song was playing on the radio he had tuned to the local radio station. I watched the lights of 131 right outside his window. 8

Alkaline Trio – ‘Private Eye’: A song my band turned into a cover yet never played out. I played it for my girlfriend at the time. I remember her watching my fingers dance across the neck of my bass and my lips part as I sang the words. For once in my life, I felt beautiful to someone. I felt loved.9

A Thought10

Nothing is ever what it seems. Nothing and everything. Is this what growing up is? A continuous reflection of past tribulations, of victory and defeat, joy and sorrow. With each passing day one can’t help but wonder of past events. Regrets long passed but still ever-drifting in the ether around ones heart. 11

It was in the desert that I started this soul search. A vision quest among the camoflauge nets and hum of military generators. A shaman in my own right and yet still knows nothing of life. I look to my elders to guide me, only to lead me astray.12

This is a quest we all must take. Sad how the jaded masses take the beauty of life for granted. I’m sure in their own way they have found themselves. Still I know they are always looking.13

Just a Face Now14

I remember a time and place I was thrilled to really live. Infantry school pounded me into nothing only to rebuild me out of mud and stone. The field excited me but graduation made me feel nothing but regret.15

I felt sorry for the parents of the children that didn’t share my experience. The life I once knew mattered no more, only what lies ahead. Still I wrote home as much as I could. Training was a lonely time and I yearned for companionship and true love. I wrote to a long lost love from Kentucky, even called her when I could.16

Starting a family is easy but finding the right girl is key. With every letter, I enclosed a bit of myself and my love for her. She would send me her love in return with little coos of what was, what would be, how we would fuck. Yet as I was being broken I couldn’t help but believe every little word she said.17

When graduation came I felt nothing but a fire in my soul. She was there, watching me, marveling at my transformation. With loving arms we embraced and I didn’t have a care in the world. Neither of us did.18

She cried the last night we were together. Two days wasn’t enough to explain out love. I know now that she cried because it was a false reality we shared. Like a fool, I proposed to her.19

Nothing mattered after basic training but starting a life anew. I had the discipline, the money, the security and the love to give anyone. This girl was everything to me. By the second week of AIT, she left me to be with someone else.20

Whiskey was my only option.21

A Lesson In Drowning22

It was on leave that I skipped out on a good drunken fuck to be with someone else. Why? I traded a surely kinky, long fuck with my friend’s sister for a night of making out and foreplay. (Not to mention my 8 month dry streak) Truth was I owed it to this girl. Somewhere between the 5th glass of bourbon and midnight, I relapsed to my old self. A problem that I’ve been keeping in check. It was my last night home.23

I still don’t know if it was love. Here in the desert, love is the last thing on my mind. Only the mission. Still, I owed it to her. I owed it to her for breaking her heart, for letting her crush keep her up at night. She was there in the beginning and through the hard times. She still hasn’t left.24

Somewhere between midnight and daybreak did I realize what she ment to me. I couldn’t help but be dazzled by the look in her eyes as my fingers teased her. The heavy breathing and twists her body made as I explored her.25

The look was the one I remember from before, when me met long ago in a state not far from my own. The look beckoned to me. Tonight, I was all hers and she was all mine.26

It was that fire, that spark I thought was gone. A fire that faded months ago and was teased during BCT and AIT. For one night she caught the passion, the rage that I suffered from for so long. My ailment – a broken, cold heart. Treatment – this night, this girl…and I never even fucked her.27

I woke up the next morning and wished I would never leave. I had found my love and now, a million miles away from home, I hope she will stay true. I have. She didn’t.28

Wickman29

Ricky was the first girl I was infatuated with. She was from San Fransisco. A condesurere of the arts, much like myself. The same free-spirited child of this valium generation. Since I met her, I wanted her for my own.30

It was understandable that she had a boyfriend back home. A petite beauty with piercing blue eyes rarely goes unclaimed. Still I wanted her and I would if I could but the testament of conviction and loyalty was strong in her. She could be thick-headed at times, like myself.31

I remember she liked to dance…and to tease. From the dancefloor she would taunt me to take action. I was too nervous and knew not how to dance, so I did what I could – drink.32

Many nights we’d drink together. It was after some time with her that I realized nothing could come of this. Being a glutton for pain, I’d endure her teasing and drink more. She was so much like a girl I knew and yet, so different, so pure.33

It was her radiant eyes that reminded me of better days. I wanted nothing more than her love. Her friendship was all she would send. I never stole a kiss from her.34

A Simple Thought35

It’s upsetting to think back to a time when things were simple. For most of us those years flew by with our childhood and teenage dreams. A time when life in itself was never weighed down with the stress of living. In itself it tends to be the best years of this sedation-laiden exsistence. Thos years will never return or repeat again.36

Some of the best memories of my young years came at the most insignificant times. Times others were quick to forget and yet I still hold close to my heart. The late nights driving in Chris’s 1976 Caprice Classic, riding my bike through my old stomping grounds and back woods. Street hockey and night tag with my older neighbors.37

Those were the best years of my life. I didn’t have a care in the world.38