A place I once trusted1
A place I once believed in2
A place I once loved3
A place I once missed4
Is coved under a masquerade5
Of misery and pain6
The blue in the sky is now a shade7
I feel like all this time was a game8
A game of sham9
A game of backstabbing10
A game of war11
A game of fate12
I feel trapped in a box13
Crammed in and lonely14
With nothing but locks15
With no key so that it can hold me16
A box of lies17
A box of fear18
A box of loneliness19
A box of weakness20
I always have a word on mind21
Just a few words long22
To me it seems so thoughtful and kind23
To me free it isn’t a dance or song24
Free as the wind25
Free as a bird26
Free as an angel27
Free as a shooting star28
The feeling will come to me29
But not right now30
I hope my soul can soon be free31
So then I can take my final bow32
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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My first impression is the feeling of being trapped. I felt that the lists of 'Free as a.....' were a little akward but I like your ryhming. The colorful language gave me a clearer view of the scene. Very nice.
~~Roza
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i likey. It was well written with very colorful language that helped me get a better view of the scene. The overall message is a little lost to me still. BUt that might be the root beer talking. Anyway kudos on job well done. I would fix the spelling mistake though.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It's beautiful. It isn't flawless, but it's amazingly well written considering how high level it is. Something to change- each time it has four lines with the same beginning in each, you do a short-long-short-short pattern. it would be better if it were s-l-s-l because it would connect better and flow well. I'm not saying yours doesn't have flow, but it gets a little jerky at times.
Anyways keep writing well like this!
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Good poem, pretty original, and very peaceful to read
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Sweetness
Great piece of work you got here!!! I loved how the ending talked about freedom which brought the poem together. Bravo!!!
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Excellent
This is a lovely poem that you have here. Pack full of great details which made the poem a joy to read.
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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