Clarissa sat by the pool at her father's mansion. Her light blond hair blew in the wind while she thought about herself. Her parents had divorced a long time ago and she was only going to be at her father's for another week. She got her feet out of the pool, sat on a chair, and lied down to stare at the clouds. She took a deep breath and relaxed. Everything was fine here except for one thing, her reoccuring dream. As she thought about it, she drifted off to sleep.1
She saw the cat, that same cat again. As she saw the cat walk into the ocean, she turned her head. She knew what was coming next. The ocean turned into blood and the dream was now set under a full moon. Then, she knew, the cat-monster came out of the ocean. She tried backing away, but once again, she awoke on her father's balcony that always faced the moon. This was always what happened when she slept. For the last four weeks, the dream kept coming back and bringing her to the balcony. Her eyes opened wide to the twilight sky. Her breaths were slow, as once again she tried to decifer the dream.2
"Clarissa, supper has been served!" Called out Trina, the downstairs housemaid3
"Coming!!" She called out, trying to hold back a yawn. 4
She came to the dining table and sat at her seat to see a garnished salmon, an exotic fruit salad, and a stawberry layer cake. It wasnt like what the cook had ever perpared before. Her father sat quietly next to her. There was nothing on his plate. She smiled at him, and he faintly returned it. So many thoughts were running through her head. Like, why was her dad so depressed? Why are we having such a different meal? And did any of it had to with her dream? After that thought ran through her, she felt paralyzed. She felt light headed and dizzy. Once again, she fell into her nightmare world. 5
"Clarissa? Clarissa??" asked her father. He checked her pulse, and she was unconcious. "Someone get the doctor!!" Called out her father in fear.6
"Yes sir!" said Trina. As she called an amblulance.7
Her father brought Clarissa to her bed. He stared at her and prayed she wasnt dead. He just looked at his poor daughter, wishing he could do something to help, until he heard a call from Trina telling him to go downstairs.8
After a long talk with the paramedics, they ran to Clarissa's room. Trina checked her bed, but she wasnt there! They searched the mansion until they came upon the open door of the balcony. All of them stepped in to see a full moon and a broken balcony. On the floor was a note in Clarissa's handwriting saying 'I am alive' but then taking a glance at the balcony, they ceased to belive it.9
"She couldnt have fallen!! Or her body would be at the bottom!!" Screamed Trina10
It was official, no one had any idea what happened to Clarissa11
Author notes
Okay guys!!! my favorite real story!!! plz tell me how u really feel about it!! hope you likes!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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mysterious...
This is cool, and spooky, a real deep mystery you have started here. I wonder what happened to her.
??
Unc
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Nice start. I would give detailed (not brief) descriptions of your main characters. This will help in the visualization of these people in the reader's minds. Also, it looks like a little more background information will be needed (perhaps this will happen later in the story.)
Excellent intrigue. You have done a great job of leaving the reader wanting more. Let us know when the next chapter has been written. -
Oh, and perhaps brief descriptions of the father and Tina.
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I'm impressed. Very impressed. The hints of terrors, the more frightening for being hints. Excellent.
My main suggestion is to trim it a bit and smooth the edges. eg. In the first paragraph 'while she thought about herself' is unnecessary. I'd rather you went straight into the thoughts. And you could link the sentences slightly differently to make them flow more easily eg. Clarissa sat by the pool of her father's mansion [perhaps a one-word description of the type of mansion?], her light blonde hair blowing in a breeze.'
But those are the sort of things I add after coming back to what I've written. It always helps me to see what I've written more clearly if I wait a while.
I think a bit of revision is needed around the part where she collapses. 'And did any of it...' was a bit too abrupt for me, especially after the superb suggestiveness of the dream. Perhaps something more like Clarissa wondering about how strange her visit is.
And then fill in - just a little, don't get bogged down - her removal to her room, the arrival of the paramedics etc. (And the part about checking her pulse - is he checking to see if she's alive?)
I hope this is of some help. These are just suggestions about how you might make it even better. It is already very good.
Good luck with the rest.
Edited on Sep 10, 9:01 p.m. because ''. -
You've really left a good cliffhanger here. I love the idea you've got for a story, its very intriguing. The language you use could be spiced up a bit. It's a little bland. The only specific suggestion I have is the very last line. It's very cliche. I would suggest something like:
With no evidence, except the note clutched in Trina's hand, none of them could begin to guess where Clarissa disappeared to.
I wrote a story (and later deleted it) and all most ppl said was that my language was boring (and it was). So, from someone whose made the mistake, I'm passing on what I've been told.
You're idea is great, the plot is AWESOME. But in the first two paragraphs, you use 'she' and 'her' a lot, and only 'clarissa' once.
The introduction of the dream in the first paragraph is a great way to bring in the reader quickly and keep them wanting more. The dissapearance of Clarissa, and the note at the end, is also a great way to keep the reader intrigued after getting them that far.
All in all, I like the story, and I definately want to read the next chapter. Greatest of luck in making this awesome. I know it's hard, I'm writing a story now (also my first real story), I've got three chapters up, and it's hard not to rush the story too much sometimes.
Rae -
Man, you really left the reader thinking. And this is your first story? You are really good. I can't suggest anything because it's perfect the way it is. I really liked out you made it short and to the point. Maybe this nightmare came to life? Hey, it sounds like something from Invader Zim, too. Cool job.
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