Selina1
Selina was a normal girl in all aspects, or nearly all. She was fair, reasonably thin and of average height. She was neither beautiful nor ugly; neither intelligent nor stupid. If anyone had a word to describe her, it would be ‘normal’ I guess. Selina was just an average girl with typical hobbies.2
One of them was to visit the the art gallery near her house. Nobody knew why she liked it that much: whenever people asked her why, she would only look back at them with her big blue eyes. Oh! I forgot to say... Selina had such beautiful blue eyes. This was probably the only feature which distinguished her from other girls. Her eyes were so pure and crystalline. Whenever you look into them, you would feel as if there was a complete understanding between her and you.3
Whenever Selina went to the art gallery, she would go to the sculpture section. She always lingered for a long while in front of the human statues room until the gallery closed. Then again, she looked at them with such intensity and one would always wonder what she could be thinking at this particular moment. It was as if she was communicating with them mentally and they replied her back. When she came back from the gallery, she would have that satisfied smile on her face. She should have been having such an interesting conversation I thought.4
This time again, Selina was in the art gallery by herself. The whole area was desert as it was nearly closing hours. She was standing in front of a statue, which was looking down with despair, called “The damned”. She was so engrossed that she wouldn’t see anything coming...5
Us6
She couldn’t even see me coming... 7
Selina and I understand each other now. Whenever I am sad, I just look at her eyes in that special jar. The eyes that had troubled me for such a long time are finally mine. Only mine. 8
Author notes
This is a story written specifically for a contest. I think I faired quite bad. But it's my first try at writing after a really long while - maybe 1 year. Just a practice. Nonetheless, hope you enjoy and help me improve again 
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A contest entry
- Versatile Nouns: "Eyes" by Valkyrie.
1750 points, ended December 18, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Yeah I think this is really good. Are you going to continue? It kept my attention from start to finish. I really think you sure continue on.
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Wow! Creepy little story you have here. It made me look over my shoulder, because some people say my eyes are the ONLY attractive feature I have. *gulp*
Well done on this sinister little piece. After one year hiatus, you came back and delivered a really wonderful piece! Well done! Well done! Creepy as crap, but so very, very good.
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Holy crap. That ending was creepy.
Good story, though. A little bland, but it kept me interested long enough to finish it.
There were a couple grammatical errors, nothing major. You may want to work on descriptions, flower it up a bit.
Great twist at the end, though. Seriously. I didn't see that coming for an instant. Weirdo. Stealing people eyes. *shakes head*
Great read, though. Thank you. ^^
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yiheee, Kenny's in love
I knew you'd fair well going out of Mauritius 
Okay, kidding aside, I didn't think this would end like that. Haha, it kind of reminds me of this story where a guy, who was obsessed with the "perfect" girl. He realized there isn't any one "perfect" woman for him, so he goes to create his own - using the body parts of women he met. So am I saying this is creepy? Just a bit
And wow, congratulations! Great twist, and wonderful execution as you haven't been writing in a while? *claps* a second congratulation to your silver trophy *applause*
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I thought that this was very well written! I could see why you won the silver trophy in this contest this was really amazing! I really love it! Great picture to help with the story. I think you chose a great name for the girl, by the way. Nice job, and keep writing!
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This story was creepy, I mean really creepy. The description was excellent, running throughout it smoothly. You did a really good job on this, be proud! I only noticed one mistake (More to your credit)
The whole area was desert(,) as it was nearly closing hours.
Congrats on silver. -
Now you know with silver trophy award that even after one year your writing is really impressive. Selina was normal and I think that this "normal" is a big-big category with majority of world in it. Superb!
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"It was as if she was communicating with them mentally and they replied her back." my favorite lie in this...that was beautiful and amazing!! i think your writing is great and you should definately go bak to writing again, practice makes perfect after all. but i guess maybe you could elaborate more hmm idk on what though you ARE the one writing (:
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deserted, not "desert" paragraph 5
I agree with dancindream's comments. you should elaborate a little more.
But really it is good!!!! Especially for not writing for a while! I think you should cut out the part "I forgot to say" Just say it! You don't have to explain!
You are good...keep writing!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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woh the end was like BA BA BA BOOM, and suddenly i was like omg i need mroe!!
anyways, i think that, although this was verrry good, it could do with some work. mention her eyes along with her other characteristics, the narrator is obviously fascinated by selina' eyes, so it would only make sense for him to mention it sooner. also, the last sentence in the paragraph where you're describing selina's eyes [paragraph 3] could have been worded better, and her eyes themselves could have been descibed more. add similies and stuff, and try to not make them cliche. for example: her eyes shown like crystal pools in the moonlight, complete with undeniable purity and brilliance.
yeahhh thats not te best example, but you get the idea right? lol
i love stories with atwist, and the twist in this story was just excellent. great job!!
xoxo -
I really think you have talent in the writing world, but this story is very confusing. I look forward to more from you regardless.
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Good story Kind of confusing...but good. Keep up the good work!
-Jade-
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O...M...G...
I was all, tra la la during the story...and then at the end...BAM!! HAHA, that was suddenly very scary. I LOVE the twists in stories.
I think a teeny bit more detail would be good about how the narrator knows she does this: does he work there, visit there? The "didn't see me coming" part would fit more naturally if I knew he was in the building with her; before that, I rather thought she was there by herself, and the narrator wasn't present, or even corporeal.
Also, if those eyes were SO fascinating to him, I think he would never forget to mention them along with her other characteristics. And the "eyes that had troubled me"...I think you could safely mention why they were troubling, without giving away the ending.
All in all, an awesome tale with great potential. Thanks very much for entering my contest!
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This is an interesting story but I am still trying to figure out what it's all about.
Selina is a normal girl who likes to visit art galleries and is mesmerised by a statue.
Selina's eyes then end up inside a special jar to be looked at by the narrator of the story.
The story begins well, with a really good description of Selina and the idea of delaying the description of her eyes until the next paragraph is well done and well executed.
The reason for her staying so long in the gallery and her fixation with the statue is also described in fine detail and is well written.
The final paragraph however, has me totally baffled and confused.
I have noticed some mistakes which you may like to rectify:
p2: neither intelligent nor intelligent - how about - neither intelligent nor stupid
p2: normal i guess - the i should be capitalized
p3: Nobody knew why she liked them - you're referring to something singular so 'them' should be 'it'
p3: so much: - the colon should be a semi-colon
p4: they replied her back - delete 'her' - it's not needed
p4: she should have been - she must have been
p5: desert = deserted
p5: she wouldn't see = she couldn't see
You have the makings of a good story here and the beginning is wonderful, as is the middle, but the ending has me confused.
If this was a contest entry, the reason you may not have done very well may be due to the errors I spotted. It may help if you take a little more care and proofread before posting the story.
I hope I'm not coming over as being too critical, I'm only trying to help.
This IS a good story and it may be my fault I can't understand the ending.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 1, characters: 5.
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Hello Lawrie. Thanks for the comment. Indeed I just noticed that I left so many errors. It's ok to criticise haha. I'm kinda used to it, as I kinda commented a lot on others' work too. It does help a lot at times
Anyways yeah, thanks for spotting the errors
Hmm the ending was meant to be vague. It's about how, the narrator suddenly exposes himself to the readers... So yeah.
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didn't see the twist
I think the problem is that there is no real empathy expressed for the girl. she is described as 'normal' and therefore seems quite inconsequental. I think that if you discussed who loved her and what her hopes and dreams were then it would help strengthen the last lines when the horrible twist is revealed. Hope that helps -
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yeah, i think in a certain way, I should have discussed more about how the girl was fascinating to the narrator. But when I was writing this, I couldn't find an appropriate way to narrate it such that it doesn't spoil the twist at the end.
So, it is kinda concise. Well, I might revise this eventually. But yeah, thanks for the read!
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