Finding Yourself Chapter Eleven

Over the next week or so, I pay virtually no attention to CJ. I would love to, but I really don’t have time. He seems to be getting really fed up with me trying to get James back to Jon. He obviously doesn’t believe that Jon will do what he says he’ll do. And I don’t want CJ to have to find out the hard way. I know all CJ wants to do is to spend time with me, and I know that I may not have much time left with him. I don’t want to believe that Jon will take me from him, but I know that man. He’ll do whatever the fuck he has to.1

‘Fuck!’ I shout, having cut myself badly while attempting to pry a rusty rotor off of a drum. This will make the third time this week I’ve injured myself.2

I see Bill sauntering over to me, obviously having heard me swearing. He asks me why I was using a screwdriver to do the job. He also reminds me that this is the third time this week I’ve hurt myself.3

‘It’s just… been hard to concentrate lately. I’ve had some problems, I guess.’ I say, not looking at him. I like Bill, but I just don’t like telling him things like this.4

‘Well that’s alright, but it’s not an excuse to mess yourself up. Or a customer’s car, for that matter. If you’re thinking of doing this for a living, you’re going to have to realize that everybody has problems, and that you have to deal with it.’5

‘You don’t… understand. This is a problem that can’t be dealt with. And it’s about to fuck up my whole life.’ I tell him, knowing I have said too much.6

‘Well what is it? It’s obviously serious, and if it’s anything I can help with I’ll be happy to talk about it later.’ I look at him, and I know he wants to help but all he’s doing is annoying me.7

‘You can’t help. There’s nothing anybody can do. I’ll… try to be more careful.’ I answer, turning away from him and staring back at the rotor. He apparently gets the hint because he puts a hand on my shoulder for a moment and then walks away. I head over to the toolbox and grab a rubber mallet. I walk back over to the car and begin beating the shit out of the rotor. Every time I hit it, I feel my bleeding thumb begin to throb. I turn the rotor a little and beat it more. It’s starting to come loose and dust is falling off of it. I turn to make sure Bill isn’t looking and stick the screwdriver into a small space between the drum and the rotor and smack it with the mallet. It’s coming off now. I move the screwdriver around the drum until it’s completely off. Quickly I put the tools away and clean the rotor, along with the drum.8

I finish my job changing out the brakes on the car, wash the blood off my thumb, then retreat into the hallway to sit down. I put my head in my hands and begin to cry. I don’t give a fuck who sees me anymore—I actually hope someone does. I need help. Somebody to comfort me and tell me everything will work out and that I won’t get stolen away from school, work and my relationship to return to a life of getting tortured and beaten.9

‘Hey!’ I hear, looking up to see Jordon’s face contort from one of happiness to an expression of confusion and sympathy. ‘What’s wrong? Somebody say something to you?’10

I shake my head, looking back down and sniffing. ‘I can’t explain it.’ I tell him, looking away and trembling.11

‘Well try.’ He says to me, urging me. I know he wants to help and he won’t understand the situation. He’s just not going to get it, and he’ll have a simple answer that won’t help at all.12

‘My life is… getting fucked and I can’t do anything about it.’13

‘Why? Something going wrong with CJ or the baby?’ he asks, and it dawns on me that there is something I haven’t told anyone yet.14

‘The baby’s gone.’ I answer, remembering that I took my cast off yesterday. I find myself still holding my arm somewhat in the same position, and upon becoming conscious of it, I move it. ‘I got in a car accident about a week ago. That’s why I haven’t been here for a week.’15

‘Wow.’ He says, looking down. ‘I’m sorry… is that what’s wrong?’ 16

‘Not really. I mean, that’s not the worst of my problems.’ I know this sounds bad or insensitive, but maybe he’ll understand why I said it once I tell him what else is wrong.17

‘So what is it? It has to be bad if that’s not what you’re worried about.’ Jordon looks curious and it’s annoying me, but I hold back impulses to not talk to him at all.18

‘It’s kind of a long story.’ I say. ‘And it’s hard to explain.’ Doesn’t he get the hint that I don’t want to tell him?19

‘I’ve got time. You’re my friend; I want to help you.’ 20

I sigh and think of how to put it. ‘Okay. I used to live with someone about two years ago. His name is Jonathan. He used to abuse the shit out of me. That’s why I have scars everywhere and shit. While I was living with him I met CJ and started dating him behind Jon’s back. I left to go to the store one day and when I came back Jon was fucking someone else. Another guy. Later he told me that he used to have a relationship with this guy, and that he wanted to pick up where things left off. He told me I had a choice between living with them or with CJ. For a while I was back and forth between places. In the end I decided to live with CJ. We’ve been together for almost two years, and when I got pregnant we planned on moving to Ohio. You know that.’ I pause and look at him. He looks intensely interested as he nods. ‘Well,’ I continue. ‘One night I went to Jon’s house to tell him we were moving. That was the first time I’d been there since I moved out. We had gone into the kitchen and Jon had his arms around me, and his boyfriend walked in and freaked out and hit Jon. I got mad at hit him, and he stormed out and apparently didn’t come back. I called Jon the next day and he told me that he wasn’t talking to me until I figured out a way to get his boyfriend back to him. That upset me, so I left that day and was on my way to his house and that’s when I got in an accident. I was in the hospital for almost a week.’ I pause again, taking a breath and thinking of how to compose my next sentences.21

‘Is that it?’ Jordon asks me, looking disappointed.22

‘No.’ I tell him, deciding to continue. ‘The night I got out of the hospital, CJ and I had gotten into an argument and when I walked outside to find him, Jon was outside the hospital. He told me that sometime within the next few days he wanted me to find a way to his house because he wanted to talk to me, and if I didn’t go over there he would come to my place. He would’ve started a whole bunch of shit with CJ and everything and I didn’t want that to happen, so I went over there.’23

‘Wait… how did Jon know when you got out? Did he talk to CJ or something?’ 24

I look down again, and my throat is tightening up from the conversation. ‘No. I don’t know how he knew. So I went over there and he told me that I had a month to find a way to get James back to him, and if I didn’t do it within a month he’s going to take me back. And I don’t have a choice. If he takes me back, I’m going to lose everything. My freedom, my sanity, CJ, my house, my job, school, everything.’ My eyes are tearing up again. ‘I don’t want that to happen. I called James but he just won’t… won’t listen to anything I say. He doesn’t care.’ I’m crying again now, and Jordon hugs me. I know he doesn’t understand what’s wrong.25

‘Why can’t you… you know, just not go with him? Tell him no, that you’re not going?’ Simple enough answer, but it won’t work.26

‘Jon’s not like that. When he wants something he gets it. And he doesn’t care how he has to do it. He’s killed over me before, Jordon. I’m not going to fuck with him again.’ 27

‘Killed?’ Jordon repeats.28

‘Yeah. He stabbed my ex when I ran away back to Ohio. He found where I lived and killed my ex Tony because it was a possibility that Tony would try to stop me going with him. I can’t fight him off, and if I try, either me or someone else might die. I’ve already lost one person to that fucker, and that’s not going to fucking happen again.’ 29

‘So if he takes you, you won’t come here anymore?’ Jordon asks.30

‘No. I won’t be able to leave. I can’t go to work anymore, either. I’ll never see CJ again or any of you guys. That’s what’s fucking me up so bad.’ 31

Jordon hugs me again. ‘I wish I could help you. It sucks to see you upset.’ This comment almost makes me cry. ‘CJ won’t do anything about it?’32

I pull back from Jordon so that I can look at him. ‘CJ refuses to believe that it’s happening. He doesn’t understand why I’m worried because he thinks it will just be easy to stop him if he tries to take me. I keep trying to tell him that he’s powerless against Jon but he won’t believe it. He keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. Jon’s already killed for me once, and I know he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. The only way someone could really stop Jon is to kill him, and some stupid fucking part of me doesn’t want that to happen.’ I wipe the wetness from my face and sniff a couple times. ‘I hate telling CJ that he can’t stop Jon because I don’t want to believe it, and I don’t want to fee like I’m trying to play him down. But I know not to fuck with Jon, and I don’t want CJ to get hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt any more than I already will be.’ This is killing me talking about it. My voice is beginning to shake again and my throat is getting sore.33

‘So… if he takes you, you won’t be able to see CJ anymore?’ Jordon inquires.34

‘I won’t see him, I won’t be able to work, or see my friends, or even continue to come to school. I won’t be allowed to leave his house because he knows the minute I get outside I’ll never come back.’35

‘So why don’t you just sneak out when he’s asleep?’36

‘Tried it. He’s caught me before. I can’t do that. He knows I didn’t have the balls to do that either. And he never leaves without chaining me to something or having somebody watch me while he’s gone, so I can’t leave then either. Trust me, if there was any fucking way I could get away from him I would.’ I tell him.37

‘Delaney! Pemberton! Moving on to tires out here!’ Our instructor shouts to us from inside the shop.38

‘’Kay, Bill!’ Jordon shouts back. I watch him shake his shaggy hair out from his face and look at me again.39

‘Are you okay to go out there? I can tell him that—’40

‘I’ll go. Maybe it will get my mind off some of this shit.’ I answer, looking away from him once again.41

He stands up and waits for me. ‘Go on. I’ll catch up with you in a minute.’ He nods and I cry as I see him walk away. The mere thought of never seeing him or CJ or Alden or Ching again distresses me badly. I can’t let this happen, but there’s nothing I can do. Maybe I can run away and stay with someone else for a couple weeks. No. Jon will torture CJ into telling him where I’ve gone. CJ won’t tell him and Jon will fucking kill him. I can’t put CJ into that position. Maybe CJ could come too… no, I don’t want to inconvenience anybody like that. Fuck. I’m just fucked. This is total sodomy and all I can do is lay here and take it. 42

It’s 12:00. I need to ask someone for a ride to work. Maybe Jordon will take me. If he won’t I know Alden or Bill would do it. I think Bill has a later class though, so I don’t want to ask him. 43

I ask Jordon and he agrees. I think part of him is trying to protect me from being alone. I’m grateful but there’s something annoying about it. He thinks I can’t handle myself, maybe. But then again, after what I just told him about Jon he knows I wouldn’t be able to defend myself against him. 44

We exit the school and I light up a cigarette, handing one to Jordon. He lights it and I watch the light snow come down onto the cars, in a moment of deep contemplation as I’m walking. Several flashbacks of my early childhood are coming to me at once, but they’re good and bad. I don’t want any of them. I fucking hate memories.45

I climb into the passenger’s side and Jordon starts the car, letting it run a moment. A band I know begins to play, but I can’t think of the name—Shadows Fall. That’s right. It’s ‘Redemption’. This song is the shit. I turn around and look out of habit as Jordon backs out of the space. I miss driving already. I wonder how long it’s going to be until I have enough money to get another car. My heart jumps into my throat as I think about my Mustang, then instant anger and shame overcome me. I try to focus on the song in attempt to take my mind off it.46

Jordon drives in silence, and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to talk about anything. I know Ching will be talking my ear off when I show up at work and asking me why I haven’t been there in so long. I don’t feel like telling her, but I know she’ll get offended if I don’t. Jordon pulls up in front of my work and I get out of the car, hugging him and thanking him. He kisses my cheek, tells me to be careful, and waits until I get inside the door to pull away. I look at Ching and she shouts my name, standing up and dashing over to me, encasing me in a huge hug. Her hair smells so good. I hug her back and smile on the inside, but cry on the outside. I’m surprised how fucking fast tears came to my eyes. I wipe them and sniff, looking at her and realizing how much I really do appreciate her. I hug her again and she inquires as to what is wrong. I talk to her as we sit down together. She’s working on a man’s fingernails and I’m just sitting there talking. The place is empty except for me, Ching, the man and another girl sitting to the right of Ching. I feel as though everyone is listening to our conversation because it’s dead quiet. Fuck it; maybe someone will have a helpful answer for me. Ching doesn’t talk, but nods as she looks at the man’s fingernails and back to me. 47

I just explain the car accident, and I know I haven’t told her why I’m crying. I really don’t want to have a breakdown at work. I dread going home later. I miss CJ like hell but I don’t want to be there. I’m afraid to fucking close my eyes when I’m there, even when CJ is right next to me. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him.48