Koehler stood outside the weathered doors that lead to the small tavern, fingering the pouch of coins. The sale of the jeweled daggers went smoothly and Koehler was pleasantly surprised at the price he’d gotten.1
Now he just needed to go in and see Desi. He didn’t know why he was stalling. Maybe it was because it was finally time. Yep, that was it.2
***3
Desmona eyed the door anxiously every time it opened, only to be disappointed when it wasn’t Koel. Each time it opened Desmona’s heart fluttered, her palms started sweating and each time she was cooled by the air that rushed through the opened door.4
These feelings had started months ago. She remembered the first awakenings were when they had been held captive by bandits. Koel had been dragged away to be killed. Her heart had broken with the single thought of him gone. 5
It took him a little longer. She only remembered the kiss, when he finally understood his feelings. Everything before that and after was a blur. 6
She looked up when Koehler shouldered his way in. Desmona watched him weave through bar patrons. His long frosted hair swept across his broad shoulders with the motion. Dark undertones flashed between the white strands when he turned his long face searching for her. Small pointed ears peeked out from the curls. At last he spotted her and his deep, coal black eyes lingered on her face.7
***8
Koehler saw her sitting in the shadows of the stairs. Her back pressed against the bare wood walls. Her short cropped dark hair was tenderly tucked behind small ears and her deep blue eyes searched the crowd. Koel longed to untuck her hair and watch it sweep over her smooth cheeks. She smiled shyly, with one corner pulled up higher then the other. 9
He pulled up an extra stool and took her mug. After he drunk a long pull, he looked at her and raised an eyebrow.10
“So?” Desi asked.11
Koel nodded. Desi pulled Koel across the table and kissed him hard. Koel’s lips were soft and warm, like fresh baked bread, and she hungered for more of him.12
He pulled back first breathless. “Shall we?”13
All Desi could do was nod. Koel took the offered hand. 14
Before they got to the weathered door, a burly fellow with two companions blocked their way. “Elf, what are you doing here?”15
“Leaving.” Koel answered.16
“You have no right being in here.” He barked. His friends nodded.17
Desi pushed in front of Koel. “Then let us pass.”18
The burly fellow pointed at Koehler. “He must pay.”19
“I don’t think so.” She brought up her staff and whacked him on the nose.20
Blood flowed freely as Burly tried to stop it.21
Koel stepped in as Burly’s two friends jumped around Burly. He knocked their heads together, causing one to stumble into a customer. The other went down on a neighboring table.22
All around them a fight erupted. Koel grabbed Desi’s hand and pulled them to the door.23
The cool air hit them as they ran to their horses, laughing as they rode out of town.
Author notes
My mini NaNo challenge. 
The challenge was to write a fantasy 500 words or under. If it's missing description and the five senses I'm so fond of, it's because the challenge wouldn't let me 
In a list
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
I enjoyed reading this.
The story is short, but is crammed with action which, through your writing, I was able to visualize in my mind.
The two main characters, Koehler and Desmona, are very dynamic and could be the centre of a future series.
I have some nit-picks which you may, or may not, wish to consider:
p7 - board (broad)
p7 - deep(,)coal (cool?)
p12 - bread(,)
p15 - door(,)
p22 - together(,)
An interesting story which could be the beginning of a longer story or a series.
PS: Please regard this visit as a hoodwinking
-
-
*Goes to fix those*
Ok, now where I am hO.Odwinked at? Not that I don't love the attention, but its not my week
Thanks for reading
Brooke -
-
Heeheehee!
Now that would be telling
-
-
Now that is no fair
-
-
-
-
it was good but for readers who just started reading you probably should find a way to let them know who yuor characters are understand
-
-
Thanks for your opinion.
Brooke
-
-
This is a really nice short story...I think it needsalittlework but its good...
-
This is a really good short story. I like Koel and then I just luffles the story. You have really nice writing. Good job.
-
-
Thanks, this one needs a lot of work but it was for just a challenge.
Again thanks
Brooke
-
-
This is a good short. The name Desmona reminds me of Desdemona from the Midnighters series. lol. Nice writing, either way. Koel was an interesting character. I love how you tied the horseriding into it.
-
I know you hated this challenge, but isn't this the point, developing skills to use later. You can't waste a word when you write these, and its a skill that doesn't take long to acquire
In P4, you open and close the door a lot of times. You'll save a lot of words by just opening it once
You could probably start this short-short at paragraph 10, as it would be a good character study and useful for later insertion into a larger story.
You can use all five senses in a short, you get to make them intense, which is a bonus.
You did great and I like your Elf
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
p7 "Her back pressed snuggle against the bare wood walls." I think maybe "her back snuggled against" would show what you're trying to say with one less word.
p22 "rode out of...???" where's the end of the sentence?
I can see what you mean you really do have a lot of beautiful description going on there. Some of it is really unnecessary for small pieces like this, for instance talking about her birthmark.
In one character building class I took they emphasized not to give out extraneous information, so unless the birthmark comes into play later it's really unnecessary. So some stuff like that you could leave out while adding more detail later as it seems the last part was rushed.
There was also some stuff in the descriptive paragraphs that wasn't quite redundant but maybe a little unnecessary like in p3 you talk about the door opening twice in the same sentence plus "cooled by the crisp air" crisp air is generally cooling so something might be changed there to tighten up the sentence a little.
I too thought you could add something to separate the POV change but it looks like you know that already
I really did enjoy this and loved your descriptions. And given the challenge I think you did a fine job. I'll have to check out your other work.
-
-
Thanks and have looked over this and have made the changes you've suggested
Brooke
-
-
I forgot...
To add the clappy men. Sorry
-
-
Hahahaha thanks for the
s
Broke
-
-
I like
-
-
Yay!!! Thanks, glad you like it. Will stop by and read something of yours soon
Brooke
-
-
I liked this piece.
The beginning sentence wasn't too clear though, myabe it would read better like so.
Koehler stood outside the weathered doors that lead to the small tavern, fingering his new pouch of coins gently.
That was just an example. Ofcourse it's up to you, but I think you could make it read better than it currently does.
After the first two chapters maybe you could put something to seperate, to let the reader know they are now reading from another characters point of view.
Koehler stood outside the weathered doors that lead to the small tavern fingering the pouch of coins. The sale of the jeweled daggers went smoothly and Koehler was pleasantly surprised at the price he’d gotten.1
Now he just needed to go in and see Desi. He didn’t know why he was stalling. Maybe it was because it was finally time. Yep, that was it.2
* * * *
Desmona eyed the door anxiously every time it opened, only to be disappointed when it wasn’t Koel. Each time it opened Desmona’s heart fluttered, her palms started sweating and...
I am still fairly new to writing. And it is only my opinion
I thought it was great though, I particularly liked it when it came to the speaking parts.
Good luck in the contest!!
Tony
-
-
You're right. I usually put the *** in when changing point of view. Must have been tired last night when typing this up, but thanks for bringing it to my attention
I am terrible with commas, so I will go over that first part and fix it. Thanks again
Brooke
-
-
Great start so far!I really have no serious critique other than you need to add more Keep up the amazing work. I'm always impressed with everything I read from you Syren. -Liz
-
-
Thanks Liz and thanks for always reading my stuff
Brooke
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
