Once a World (Part Two)

Your charm could get you out of anything. All you had to do was flash your brilliant smile, a small dimple resting in your cheek. Your darkening brown eyes looked in the depths of whoever challenged you. Teachers said you had an attitude problem to reside with your charm. But it was that you were a genius, caged in a small world. In your voice, in your movement, in your reasoning, anyone could tell you were very smart. You hungered for life, death, knowledge, and more than once filled your cup. You loved to taste all fine things in life, and maybe that is why you wanted to find more beyond me. I realize I was not the prettiest, nor the most graceful, but I felt the love I held for you was enough. It couldn't be broken, after all, I still care for you even after you said you never loved me. You say you just wanted to satisfy your lust. I know that at one point you did love me, but something changed as all things must, and we were on two paths. I always knew we were doomed. Everyone is. But try telling that to my soul, where it harbored such pain when you left. There was no words to calm it. 1

I gave in to you. I gave you myself, as your girlfriend, as your lover. I had only loved once before. With him, it was different. He was calm. Our relationship was calm, and being the naive girl I was, he took me gently until he found someone who gave him more than I ever could. With you, I was in delirium over your love, always draining myself to give you all the emotion you wanted. I constantly tried to show you how I cared. I bled for you, so you could drink in my lifeblood, and be stronger. I sacrificed my sanity to meet your standards. We laughed as if everything was still beautiful in this world. I had forgotten all woes I had in life. I gave you all my dedications, and immortalized you in my words, in a poetic form for all to see my glory and pride in you. I shared you in my art, so others may see the face that controlled my desires. You analyzed me, as you sought your pleasure. Our bodies intertwined, wet with affection, and warm to the touch. Your mouth upon my skin, and all the rawness in my body aching for you and your bitter sweetness. I gave in to everything I said I would be careful with. I think I did the right thing, because although now we are over, I still have the memories of love, and of one of the only people to ever see inside me. 2

After the love settled in, that is the time the pain began. To understand one must understand how you were brought up. You lost trust in the people who were supposed to be your strongest mentors. You lost faith early. You needed control. you were hurt and wounded by your past, and I stitched your wounds, not afraid of the dominating presence you used to protect yourself. When you were well, you bit the hand that fed you. I knew it made you feel better to hurt someone, so you could feel like you were not alone. So I let the words flow, the words that told me it was my fault, and I was never good enough. Yet I know deep inside my only fault was to let the words seep in, because then that rang them true. I let myself be bombarded by mean things as I lay with you in your bed. You were angry, and I was just the wretched thing you took it out on..you were never really angry at me. I had to always be on my guard because your moods were like the wind, out of nowhere you would be quiet. Out of nowhere, your rage would grow and turn against me, your passion bringing bruises to my flesh and tears to my eyes. Yet then, I felt like your bruises were salvation, so I never let go.3