God Has Everything to Do With It

By: Danielle Schmidt1

She sat across from him, watching as his eyes lingered on her for what seemed only small moment. This continued for awhile she enjoyed being able to catch a glimpse of her reflection in his eyes. It was her only opportunity to check her appearance.2

He seemed nervous, almost giddy. It was odd seeing him with a nervous expression. He usually wore a confident smile which made him seem cocky, but something about his smile always made her feel safe and secure. She knew that he would do nothing to hurt her, and that she could always rely on him to be there.3

“What is it, Joe?” she asked.4

His smile was perfectly framing his teeth, “Well, I’ve been thinking babe. About us,” he paused, “Will you marry me?”5

She smiled. It hadn’t been much of a surprise that he had asked. She had been expecting him to ask her ever since she told him she was pregnant.6

“I will, “she said.7

He looked at her coyly, “I expected you to say yes, not I will.”8

“Well, I expected you to get down on one knee.”9

He chuckled as he slipped the silver engagement ring onto her finger. The ring wasn’t extravagant, but it was beautiful all the same.10

Joe leaned forward and kissed her lips gently, “You still have the key to my apartment, right?”11

“Yes, I still have it.”12

“Then why haven’t you moved in yet, Mary?”13

“Because I’m trying to find a way to bring it up to my mother. She is going to kill me.”14

The words echoed in her ears as she looked at her mother in the eyes and told her mother that she was pregnant, engaged to Joseph, and intended to move in with him.15

Her mother gawked at her unable to form real words for what seemed hours, but was only a few minutes.16

“Mom…” was all Mary could muster knowing she had crushed all of her mother’s dreams for her being married in the temple.17

“We worked so hard! We raised you right. We did all of the right things, taking you to church, helping your testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Bible grow.”18

“Mom, I can’t do the ‘Mormon thing’ anymore. That’s not who I am. I don’t even know if I believe any of it anymore.”19

“It’s because of that boy you are dating! He is not good for you. You will see this! He has never been good for you. First you stop going to seminary and now this?!”20

“This is my choice and I choose him.”21

“Fine! If he is more important to you than your family and our beliefs then you leave. I do not want to see you back here!”22

Mary hadn’t expected her mother to react so hastily, but she also knew that in order to have her happiness with Joseph she needed to break away and become more than a ‘Molly Mormon.’ She couldn’t help not feeling exactly proud of herself for crushing her mother the way she had.23

Mary went upstairs, clouding her minds of the baby and her future life with Joseph that was only a few minutes away. She started grabbing whatever she could, throwing them into large black garbage bags as quickly as she could. As she went about doing this she could feel her father’s eyes on her. The disapproval leaked out of him and covered her like an itchy sweater.24

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked calmly. He was always the more rational one of her parents.25

She nodded not wanting to give any other reply. She couldn’t even look at him; the guilt welled up inside of her as he walked away. 26

Mary did the one thing she could: called Joseph. She needed to let him know that she was ready to go, but it was more for the fact that she needed to hear the reassurance of his sultry voice.27

A few minutes later he was helping Mary load the bags into the trunk of his car. She took one last look at her old life as she got into the passenger seat on the way to her new life.28

The last thing Mary remembered was pulling out of her parents’ driveway. She had dozed off on the way to the apartment only to awake in bed, Joseph’s bed, their bed. She looked around hoping to find Joseph next to her, but he was nowhere to be found.29

“Joe, where are you?”30

“I’m in here, “he called from the kitchen.31

The smell of eggs, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes came wafting through the open bedroom door.32

“Something smells good, Hun.”33

“I made breakfast, would you like some?” he asked as he peeked around the corner.34

“Yes, please.”35

“Okay,” he brings her a plate of food being conscious that she was now eating for two.36

“Thank you.”37

“I thought I would let you sleep in.”38

“Thank you again,” she said as she dug into the pancakes.39

She enjoyed this kind of treatment for about a week. Joseph had begun to consume himself in any sport event on television. 40

“Joseph, can we please watch something other than the football game? Anything please.”41

“No, this is a great game. Besides I thought you liked football. You came to all of my games when we were in school.”42

“That’s because that was the only place I was allowed to see you,” Mary said a little irritated. She just wanted her sweet boyfriend back. Not this guy who had no time for her unless she was making popcorn or running to the store. Where had her Joseph gone? She sat next to him, hoping that maybe he would give her some affection, anything. 43

After an hour of sitting there with no show of affection the game was over. Joe seemed pretty upset. Mary guessed that his team had lost again; he always thought that it was better to cheer for the underdog. She watched as he locked himself in their room, muttering something about losing a thousand dollars. She could hear him throwing things and swearing. All Mary could think about was how that Money could have bought things for the baby. She had no idea that he liked to bet on the games. How much more money had he lost by doing this?44

Joe walked out of the room flustered, “If anyone comes by don’t answer the door. I will deal with them.”45

“I have some money if you need it. Its only two hundred dollars. I was going to use it for groceries.”46

“Where is it?”47

“My purse,” she watched as Joe dug through her purse, finding the money.48

“ I have six hundred in my account. Shit I’m still two hundred short. This will have to do until next week.” Mary could see panic in his eyes. She wanted to point out what gambling was doing to him, but didn’t want to make him angry with her. Besides they never fought, and she didn’t want to start any time soon.49

I will be back in a few hours. I need to go pay someone.”50

Mary wanted to ask what they were going to do for money that week, because both of them had taken the next few days off of work and wouldn’t have a check coming in until the following week. Did they even have enough food to last until next week? She looked inside the refrigerator and instead of it being full of food it was full of beer. She knew that Joseph drank, but she never thought that she would have to face it right in her own home. The idea of the substance even sitting in the fridge repulsed her; she figured that this was because of her upbringing and what she had been taught about the Word of Wisdom.51

Mary decided that it would be best to wait and talk to Joseph when he returned. She went and sat on the couch flipping the channels on the T.V. until she got to a show that interested her. As the show was getting to its most anticipated moment there was a knock on the door.52

She opened the door, not thinking much about it to her surprise stood two Latter Day Saint missionaries.53

“Hi ma’am we were wondering if you wanted to hear about the Gospel of Jesus Christ?” one of them asked confidently. He must have been a greenie.54

“Oh, no thank you. I am LDS, well I was. I’m not attending church anymore.”55

“Oh and why not?”56

“Because it’s just not for me anymore. Would you like a glass of water?” She could see the sweat running down their cheeks. They must have been riding their bikes for quite awhile unable to tract anyone that day.57

They both nodded. She left them standing at the doorway, as she went into the kitchen to fill two glasses with tap water. As she walked back she could hear Joseph yelling at the missionaries.58

“Joe, stop it! I am just giving them a glass of water.”59

“Yeah and next you’ll let them into our home.”60

“It is just a glass of water. It’s not anything more. I already told them that I was not attending church anymore,” she said defensively.61

“What if your mother sent them to us? How else would they have come here? They stopped coming until you moved in.”62

Mary stood there, she understood his logic. Her mother would do something like that, she knew where they lived. Mary watched as Joseph sent the missionaries on their away.63

She wanted to know why he was so against Mormons. She had asked him before, but he just dismissed her question. She also wondered if he was just against any religion that endorsed the belief in God, in Jesus Christ.64

“Joe, why do you hate God? What did he ever do to you?”65

“Who says I ever believed in any damn god?”66

“Well, have you ever believed in God?” maybe he would answer this time she thought.67

“Why do we have to talk about this?” he asked a little outraged.68

“Don’t I have the right to know?”69

“Fine I will tell you why I don’t believe in god if it will shut you up.”70

Mary looked at him eagerly, pretending not to hear the last few words he spoke. She was glad that he was going to finally tell her what had happened or what the cause of him devoutly protesting the existence of any form of an external being that ruled beyond this world.71

“My mother was really ill. She had some form of cancer; I try not to remember which kind. It was eating away at her life,” he began, “ I was five and had been taught by my parents that if you prayed and believed strong enough anything could happen.72

“I didn’t want to lose my mother. So, I said a prayer. The very first and last prayer I would ever say. It was a prayer that really came from my heart. I had meant every word of it and believed that God could take care of my mother and that she would be able to come home with my dad and I that night.73

“She didn’t come home. She died the next day. And I knew that I would never see her again.”74

Mary looked at him and hugged him. She had dated him for three years and was now engaged to him, and not once had he ever opened up to her like that.75

“Joe, I really don’t believe that you will never see your mother again. You will. I am positive that she misses you as much as you miss her.”76

“No! I am not going to see her again. Once you’re dead you’re dead! There is no God! Religion I s a bunch of bull shit and praying doesn’t work. You’re not talking to anyone but yourself!”77

Mary was appalled by what he had said. There were many times she had prayed and was able to receive an answer. The answer was not always something she had wanted to hear, but it always worked out for her benefit.78

A few weeks had passed since they had talked about Joseph’s descent into unbelief. The missionaries had continued to stop by wishing to talk to Mary, but she would either be at work or Joseph would get the door before she had. Each time tossing a copy of the Book of Mormon into the trash can. Each and every time Mary saw a copy of that precious book in the waste basket a part of her ached for it. She didn’t know why, but there was really something about that book that made her feel at peace.79

On this particular afternoon Mary was preparing an early dinner as Joseph sat in front of the television drinking. He had become even more distant ever since he had spoken about his mother.80

‘Is that all hi is going to do?’ Mary wondered. It seemed to her that the novelty of having her move in had worn off. He had stopped even saying good-night to her. Was it because she had told him that he could see his mother again one day or had he found the copy of the Book of Mormon she had hidden in between the box-spring and the mattress?81

“What’s going on?” Mary asked.82

“We’re winning!”83

“I’m not talking about the stupid game.”84

“Then what the hell are you talking about?”85

“Why won’t you talk to me? What did I do that was so bad?”86

“Oh I don’t know. You’re reading that damn Mormon bible.”87

Guilt showed on Mary’s face. She had been reading it, but only because she had never really read it before. She had always relied on her parents’ testimony of its truthfulness, and not that things were not going so well between Joseph and she it seemed to be the right thing to do. Her parents always seemed to rely on the Book of Mormon’s teachings. Why was it so wrong that she was trying to use it to gain some insight in making a relationship work? God could help fix anything, why couldn’t he help patch their relationship even if Joseph didn’t believe in him?88

Mary didn’t answer him; she just went back to flipping the burger patties in the pan. She just wanted things to go back to the way they were. When Joseph actually was affectionate towards her, and showed her some respect.89

She was about to say something to him when a knock was heard. Not a troubling knock, but a soft playful tapping on the door. Mary went for the door, but Joseph as usual beat her to it. He looked through the peep hole and rolled his eyes as he opened the door.90

“I thought I told you I didn’t want to hear from you again!” he yelled.91

“We know, but your girlfriend has asked us to come by. She would like to talk to us.”92

“I don’t care! I don’t want her talking to any Mormons,” he slammed the door, not wanting to hear anything else they would say.93

“Damn it! I said no, Mary!” he screamed. A wrinkle began to form on his forehead.94

“But…” Mary began to protest.95

“I said no. I don’t’ want any god damn Mormon missionaries in my home.”96

The words shattered as they fell against her painfully.97

“But, Joe, this is my home too.”98

Mary stood her ground watching him as the smell of burning meat filled her nostrils. She quickly turned the burner off and dumped the burnt patties onto a plate. “Dinner is ready.”99

“I’m not eating that!”100

“Well this is all I’m cooking. I’m not your maid! I’m your fiancée and I’m pregnant and tired, tired of all of this. Why can’t you just accept that I believe in God? Joseph, I will always believe in Him.”101

“What happened to you?” he demanded.102

“What do you mean?” she wasn’t any different than from a moment ago.103

“You told me once that you will never go back to being that ‘Molly Mormon’ stereotype,” he goes on, “Because you were having more fun outside that restrictive, rule on top of rules, one-minded environment.”104

She thought a moment really laboring for the words to use and how exactly to phrase her response, “Joe, I miss my old life. I can’t deny who I am anymore, now that I know who I want to be.”105

“What the hell are you talking about? You knew who you were before you dated me. You told me that you were going to break away from Mormonism.”106

She wasn’t listening to him anymore. Her mind lingered on the image of herself in a white dress. She was eight years old preparing to be baptized. Soon she would go change into the all white jumpsuit. Her father would be in a jumpsuit as well. Her family would be all around, her smaller cousins in the front so they could watch her be plunged into the water after the baptismal prayer was said. She could vividly see the piercing white of the baptismal font. She remembered how clean and pure she felt afterwards, she longed to feel that way again.107

“Ugh! Mary, you can’t be serious? You don’t want to be Mormon!”108

“I was happy like that, Joe. I guess I was just so jealous of everyone else around me and wanted a taste of the world. Well, I got my taste.”109

“What about this?” he demanded grabbing her left hand. “We are getting married!”110

She thinks about it for a moment, she’d forgotten that she was having doubts about the wedding and about him. She didn’t want someone like him, especially since he was so eager in doubting that there was a God.111

“You don’t believe in God.”112

He glared at her forcing his hands into his pockets as they ball up into fists, “What the hell does God have to do with our relationship? You’ve been happy enough with me until you started reading that stupid book.”113

“God has everything to do with it.”114

He scoffs, “Did that book tell you that?”115

She looks at him hurt, “You can’t take what I believe away from me. I know that the Book of Mormon is true.”116

“You do know that it was written by a man who claimed to see God and Jesus right? God doesn’t appear to people, because he doesn’t exist. All that man had seen was a hallucination on some kind. Why isn’t there any proof of the gold book that he claimed to have?”117

“It was taken so that it could not be sold,” she said.118

“Whatever there is no God, and religion was set up by some stupid man who wanted people to follow him. Well congrats to him. He has the biggest bunch of idiots backing him.”119

Tears filled Mary’s eyes as she stormed past him into their room. She locked the door behind her not wanting to hear him degrade and devalue her beliefs any longer. She knew he was always going to be angry at God because of his mother’s death and she didn’t want to be around it anymore, and she couldn’t let a child be raised in a household of one parent believing and another disbelieving. It was easier to raise a child in a coincided belief system. Through her grief and tears she felt that it was best if she called her mother. She needed to talk to someone who could help her through this.120

The phone rang several times. She listened to the voicemail message a hundred times before she gave up. She grabbed her scriptures in hope of reading a comforting verse and stumbled upon 2 Nephi 31: 20. It was a simple verse with a huge promise. It read, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the words of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”121

She read the verse over and over again. Pleased that it gave her advice on what she should do. She knew that she was going to have to endure her stay with Joseph until her mother picked up the phone, but at least it had given her a ‘perfect brightness of hope’ that as long as she press forward and read her scriptures that God would help her through this.122

The next morning Mary would have woken bright and early with the prospect of hope. She knew that in order to be able to move back home she needed to start attending church again. Her mother would want to see that she had made some kind of change.123

She walked into the kitchen, noticing that Joseph had left everything as was last night. “He couldn’t even clear the dishes off the table,” she muttered to herself in disdain.124

“Could you keep it down in there? I haven’t been able to sleep,” came Joseph’s voice.125

“Is it always about you? Can’t you for once think of someone else but you?!”126

“What the hell bit you in the ass this morning?”127

Mary didn’t answer. She didn’t want to get into it with him again.128

“You’re still on about this whole stupid returning to church bull shit aren’t you?”129

She went on doing the dishes. She didn’t want to answer his question. All she wanted was to clean and think about what she was going to do about going to church. It was her choice even if he didn’t accept the choice.130

“Hello, are you going to answer me or give me the silent treatment?”131

“I really want to go back to church,” She said.132

“Why?”133

She didn’t want to bring her mother up in conversation so she came up with a different reason. “I want our child to be raised with some kind of values.”134

“Are you saying that I don’t’ have any values?”135

“Not the type of values a child should be brought up under.”136

“And that means what?” Joseph asked.137

“All you do is watch those stupid games and bet on them. You are gambling away our money. You sit around drinking all day, and I do not want our child thinking that is correct behavior.”138

“I had good enough values for you to start dating me.”139

“I’m going back to church.”140

“No you’re not”141

She put her face in the palms of her hands, trying to smooth out any frustration that may reflect on her face. This was not working.142

“I’m going out.” She needed some time to think. She needed to talk to her mother. She wanted help.143

“Where to?”144

“I want to look at things for the baby. I will be back later,” and with that she left. She headed to the closes place she could find, and although she detested Wal-Mart it was the perfect place for her to clear her mind.145

She rushed back to the baby department and began looking at all of the things her unborn child would need. With everything that had been going on and seeing all of the things that she needed she began to feel overwhelmed. Tears filled her eyes and she began to sob. She didn’t want this type of life. She wanted to be back home, she wanted to feel secure, and she wanted help.146

Mary came across a small white gown. It was simple, clean and pure. Something a baby would wear on the day they were going to be blessed. Her mother had hung hers on the wall in a shadow box. Inside was a piece of paper and written on it was some of the things that she had been blessed with through her father’s priesthood authority. Mary touched her hand to her stomach, feeling sympathy for the infant she carried. He or she would never be able to be blessed by their father, and she didn’t know if Joseph would ever give her permission to allow their grandfather to bestow that blessing upon them.147

All of the sad truth was now right in front of Mary. She was going to be in the fight of her life. She wanted her child to know what she knew to be true. She wanted this baby to understand what she had done to herself, and what she was now going to go through to make everything right. 148

Her hand ran down the white gown as tears leaked down her cheeks. She knew that she must have looked ridiculous clinging to the small dress, but she couldn’t help it. It was something she so desperately wanted but couldn’t have, yet it was right there in front of her.149

She didn’t notice anyone watching her. Mary was in her own world of woe and misery. Before she realized that anyone else was there with her arms were flung around her. At once she recognized her mother’s touch and welcomed it, sobbing into her shoulder.150

“It’s going to be okay. I’m here now,” were her mother’s comforting words.151