Secret Desires

1

Chapter One 2

Innocence wounded 3

An explosive snort presaged the gale of laughter and the accompanying gobbet of spittle that erupted from ‘Ma’ Heggarty’s mouth. The fluid missile struck with uncanny accuracy onto the bodice of Charlotte’s dress. Acute embarrassment at both the defilement and the laughter coloured Charlotte’s face and she dabbed fussily at her dress with a lace handkerchief. “What are you laughing at?” she demanded. 4

“Well dearie, I’ll need more details than that!” chortled Ma. ‘Was it just a chaste little peck, like brother to sister, a pressing of lips on lips or was there some tongue action like? I can’t help unless’n I know girlie” 5

“Don’t call me girlie!” exploded Charlotte. 6

“I was there when you first pissed all over the crib, girlie, so don’t be givin’ me the airs n graces OK? Now answer me question” 7

In every village there was one such as Ma Heggarty, sometimes just a mid-wife and woman of sense, others a hedge-witch with a profound knowledge of herbs and psychology. In Allinton it was Ma. Ma had attended every birth and put the pennies on many an eye to see the soul across the river on its last journey. She knew what the girl was about and wasn’t going to let her go without pounding in one of life’s lessons, in which she definitely took the role of teacher and sage. Many was the girl that walked, slunk or sneaked across her doorstep for advice on men and their ways and one’s station in life changed that not a whit. The high can be as ignorant as the low when it comes to matters of the heart, and of the groin. Ma wanted to find out which of the two this was. 8

“Well?” Ma asked, with arched eyebrow and stern look. 9

“Well” sputtered Charlotte, her face feeling near to ignition from the heat,”he did slip his tongue into my mouth. But I kept my teeth shut!” The last came out in a rush and with a hint of hope and wish for redemption. 10

Ma never made things easy for those who came calling and roughly examined the naïve girl with all the tact of an Ostler inspecting a new charge. 11

“Well, you ain’t with child, that’s for sure” smiled Ma wickedly. 12

“Are you absolutely sure?” pleaded the distraught girl 13

Ma’s eyebrows arched again and her iron stare quieted the girl. 14

“The fact is ‘GIRLIE’” she intoned with authority, “you can’t be with child from only a kiss, nor from a wandering hand comes to that, now be off with you and mind yer ways” 15

“You knew all along!” accused the girl in mounting shame and fury. 16

“That I did girl and let that be a lesson to ye, iff’n ya wanna know summat, asks them that knows, not listen to idle gossip and ignorance” said Ma turning back to her fire. 17

Furious with herself Charlotte stormed out of the cottage. “It was all Wat the stableboy’s fault! What had she been thinking?” she rationalised to herself. She marched back to Harlow Grange a much wiser woman than when she came. 18

Chapter Two 19

Innocence Educated 20

Charlotte’s hormones gave her no respite and embarrassment, as it had so many times in the past, made her feel worthless and ignorant. She was sure the glow of her reddened cheeks was visible to the other girls in the darkened dormitory of Mrs. Bainbridge’s School for Girls. She recalled the new feelings and glorious sensations of the simultaneous, but solitary, ‘Southern Expedition’ as Mary had so quaintly called it. The chorus of moans and sighs had added fuel to the moment as each girl sought her own nirvana in the safety of the unlit night-time attic room. The odd and unaccustomed feelings of wetness and heat had swept Charlotte away on a wave of ecstasy and the movement of her hands and fingers had become frenzied and urgent as she climbed the sinful staircase to bodily heaven. This made it all the more wicked, sinful and humiliating as she followed the dictates of her strict upbringing and became the only girl to arise, afterward, and wash her hands from considerations of hygiene and habit. The mocking and cruel rings of the girls’ laughter were to haunt her for many a day afterwards. The sly looks and muttered jokes, at her expense she was sure, made her life miserable until half-term came to release her from this bondage of shame. 21

The solitary confines of her bedroom became a playground of revelation and release when evening fell. Always a curious girl, she took what little she knew and improvised with what was to hand. Here her fastidiousness and inherent cleanliness stood her in good stead. The lacquered and polished handle of her bed warming pan became the cleanest and most sanitary item in the house. Charlotte was determined that never again was she to be caught and mocked for her hidden desires and needs. How far ago that first innocent kiss seemed now. Wat was growing fast into a handsome young man, but of course, being of lowly birth, was beneath consideration as a mate. 22

Wat was unaware of the scrutiny of Charlotte, who took every hidden opportunity to study him. That he was the object of an unfocussed and adolescent fantasy would have bothered him not and he laboured in the fields when the Stablemaster had no need of his growing competence. Sweat-slicked and bare-chested he was always too tired to notice the glances and discreet peeks of his employer’s daughter. The sturdy frame and boyish good-looks attracted more than the admiring looks of one who was forbidden. His competence in other, more intimate areas was growing apace with his muscles. As Autumn drifted slowly into a harsh Winter, Wat took to being indoors more and more with the horses. This fact and the intervening school term caused the memory of his form to slowly fade from Charlotte’s day-dreams and thoughts. 23

Chapter Three 24

Innocence Disillusioned 25

The pillows betrayed no sign of the tears that had flowed just a few hours beforehand. Charlotte remembered the clumsy groping and hurtful probing with utter dejection and dismay. The glorious, much vaunted state of marriage had turned out to be but a matter of a few hurried and painful minutes. Charlotte had waited longer for Charles to finish his daily ablutions than the ordeal she had had to put up with before he had returned to his own bedroom. The catharsis of cleansing and hygiene had done nothing to mute her disgust and dismay at finding out that procreation was nothing but a duty to be endured at the whim of her new husband. She had been overjoyed at the thought of marriage and the wonders it would bring, but now she found that her husband was even more of an ‘upright’ man than her father had been. Matters of the bedroom were never discussed and had even resulted in a face-slapping and harsh words from her new ‘Lord and Master’. Life, it seemed, was betraying her yet again. 26

The true irony lay in the fact that Charles was a real Lord, but as so many had become before him, an impoverished one, at least for a Lord. Charlotte’s inheritance enabled Charles to further his hobby of archaeology and led to frequent and long absences from the family seat at Harlow Grange. Charlotte watched her inheritance slowly get eaten away by trip after trip and her failure to produce an heir widened the gap between the two mismatched people. At least she was spared his inept fumblings for most of the year and the times between were short and muted by alcohol and the relief of her long-time physical companion. 27

Wat had matured into a handsome and confident man, much admired by the local women and chased by many a mother as a match for her daughter. What no-one but Wat knew was that the sly ways and parochial outlooks of the available women held little or no interest for him. As time passed he became more and more aware of his former playmate and the bestower of that very first kiss, Charlotte. The naivety and tenderness of that first liaison had left a mark upon his soul, one he longed to repeat. The disparity of their relative positions in life made a formal arrangement impossible, a fact which made Wat’s growing obsession all the more bittersweet. 28

Chapter Four 29

Innocence Discarded 30

As the shadows lengthened and twilight made imaginary movement amongst the verdant greenery of Harlow Grange’s sculpted gardens, Charlottesat lost in melancholy reverie, protected from the gathering chill by an illusory feeling of mild alcoholic warmth. Determined in the face of misery not to let her standards go, she was dressed in an off-the-shoulder gown that had adorned her for her evening repast. The arguments and subsequent violence of the latest parting between husband and wife lay heavy within her mind and coloured her mood. She failed to notice the quiet step of leather upon the terrace floor and continued her introspection. 31

The dry, prickly rasp of an unshaved chin upon her bare shoulder caused irritation, both as a feeling and within her mind. Shrinking away from the rough familiarity, she leant forward to escape the impertinence. The deep, resonant sound of Wat’s voice sent warning bells jangling in her mind and she tensed once more at the shock of hearing it aloud again. A firm, but gentle, hand gripped her shoulder. The warmth of the hand and the tingle of electricity shot through her body and was echoed within her already tensed stomach. Her face reddened involuntarily, not with anger, but with embarrassment at the gathering slickness in her nether regions. Whirling around into an outraged stance she drew breathe to bark a rebuke. 32

Too late she realised her error as his arms slid around her waist and his face loomed closer and closer….  33

Her anger melted into ardour as his firm grip and assured manner forced her to realise that here was a man not to be trifled with. With a passion born of alcohol, anger and fatalism, she thrust her body at him, thinking, “Why not, how much worse can life get anyway” 34

That this behaviour would have shocked her had she been totally sober mattered not, here was a chance for revenge! A mood of wild abandon and savage joy enveloped her as her ardent swain swept her from her feet with ease and carried her in the direction of the stables. 35

The full moon shone through the slatted bars of the stable stall and the prickly strands of hay were ignored as Wat lowered himself to the supine Charlotte. Bracing herself for the usual fumbling and mauling, Charlotte was amazed and gratified at the tenderness and gentleness that Wat’s calloused hands demonstrated. Apart from a short fumbling at the back of her dress, the garment seemed to slide off her body with little fuss. She slid her arms round his neck as his slow moving and gentle hand slid round her body to cup a breast. The gathering heat in her midriff and the tension, complimented by the moistening of her nether regions, came as a revelation and joy. Almost by instinct, her hand slid down to where the bed-warming pan handle would have been and she gasped with delight as she found a warm and rigid substitute waiting and ready for her attentions. 36

The frustrations of all the long and lonely years precluded a leisurely and prolonged coupling. Urgently she clutched Wat to her and a small sigh of contentment and need forced it’s way through her lips as he slid into her. The gathering momentum and the urgency of need built up with each thrust and the culmination of their mutual yearnings exploded between them in a coruscation of mental and physical pleasure. 37

Tears rolled gently down Charlotte’s cheeks as Wat lay beside her and held her gently but firmly in his muscular arms. Gone were the days of neglect and isolation, gone were the years of frustration and abuse, here was contentment and satisfaction. Her face was turned away from Wat as she lay in the stupor of indolence and satiation. Slowly she turned her head and looked at Wat. The concern and love shone from his eyes and as her eyes slowly closed, her heart soared and she thought to herself, This, this is love….” 38