Hate has always been there for me

"Hate has always been there for me"1

Growing up in my family love was never shown, so in return I never showed any. I felt like we ran on hate. Hate for each other, hate for everything. I truly believed that love was unreal, unnatural even. It seemed that hate wasn't so bad, I mean we're still a family. My father hated his job and life but did nothing to change it. My mother hated my father but stayed with him for convenience. And we siblings learned to hate everything around us even each other. Hate is our fate to some thats terrible to us it's bliss. With all that said I still thought we were normal, but nothing was further from the truth.2

So much hate had build up in that house over the seventeen years I actually lived there. Till all there was left was screaming and threats, so I decided to leave. Living on my own was great I learned a lot of things. The most important one was how to deal with people, something I never learned at home. Although I still hated everyone I was really good at being a phony. But know matter how much I tried I couldn't keep a relationship going for more than two months. I hated people so much it were as if I couldn't trust or respect them. I only had one friend and he was so negative it was to the point were I thought he couldn't like anyone or anything. And even he had a girlfriend for the past two years. So whats wrong with me? I tired to date over and over again, only to fail over and over again. Then I got it, every time a woman tried to get close to me I start to push. I cant let anyone get close to me it's not right. Who do they think they are, wanting to know what I am doing and thinking all the time. That makes no sense, why would they care?3

One day after work I stopped by the book store and there she was, the most beautiful person I've ever seen, she walked past me with this smile on her face that screamed happy. I mean I am happy the way I am, but her happiness looks like something I wanted. So I went over and asked her name "Wisdom" she replied. "Well it's nice to meet you Wisdom, I am Dean". And from there it seemed as if we were meant to be. What made me not push her away? I have never felt this way before bout anyone or anything. Then I asked myself is this what love is. I can't believe I was thinking this, I don't know what love is I never had those feelings before so how could I be sure.4

One summer night the power went out and we were sitting in my apartment playing a candle lit scrabble game. Wisdom spelled the word adore, Then looked me in the eyes and told me she adores me. I didn't know how to respond to that. She then ask me do I love her. "I am not sure what love is. I mean I never loved anything, sure I am content with things but love is a feeling I don't believe exist. She looked at me with such disgust a look I was all to familiar with growing up in my house. "After all this time your only content with me, I love you I thought you could see that but I guess I am a fool". Seeing the tears forming in her eyes I grabbed her face gently and gave her a deep kiss. Pulling my lips from hers I asked "Will you teach me to love, I want to love you more than anything". She gave me that smile, that smile know one could resist. And replied "You just taught yourself". 5

Two years past and were still going strong, I love her I really love someone, life is great. That night after work I started to prepare dinner, Wisdom called and said she will be late coming home so I decided to cook for a change. Around 10:30 I got worried, she never does this so I called her cell phone, No answer. She always pick up for me is something wrong did something happen. It's now 12:30 in the morning and still no sign of Wisdom not even a phone call. So I picked up the phone to call once more, then I heard the door opening. I jumped from my chair and briskly walk towards the door. I can see in her face something is wrong, so I asked the question I know I didn't want a answer to. "Is something wrong"? She gave me the most pitiful look, a look I have never seen on her face. "We need to talk" she tells me.6

Hours has passed and I still don't know why she's breaking up with me all I hear from her is this isn't going to work anymore. I asked why about ten times and got nothing worth hearing, so I left it at that. After sleeping on the couch for a week she comes home and tells me she's leaving tomorrow to live with her mother. All I could say to myself was thank god, I truly didn't want to be around her anymore.7

That afternoon when her brothers were done loading the truck she came to give me the keys. As she was handing them to me she told me she loved me. I smiled at her and said "Love don't exist, if it did it wouldn't of been so easy for you to turn your back on it". She looked as if she wanted to say something but didn't. That was my first and last experience of love, why should I love again when it only left me in the trenches. And hate has always been there for me. It may sound wrong to those who love, but hate is my fate and that I love8