Save It For The Bedroom, Part Two [Linkin Park]

NOW.1

You go to Brad's the next day, and sit on his squishy couch and ask where Rob is.2

'Gone.'3

'Gone?'4

'Decided he didn't like me anymore.'5

'Is that a decided he didn't like you, or a, he decided he couldn't put up with your wandering cock?' You raise an eyebrow at him and he glares at you, then you engage in a playful scuffle that ends in him straddling your thighs and pinning your wrists back. 'Whatcha gonna do, threaten me with your ever-unfaithful penis?'6

'You love my so-called wandering cock,' Brad scoffs. 'You wanna have it every day for fuckin' breakfast.'7

You laugh; he's only playing, after all. He prods you in the chest and grins. His grin fades away, somewhat, and instead of prodding you, he lays his hand flat over your heart. 8

'Brad...' The soft way you say his name has him looking at you oddly. He suddenly leans in and he goes to press his lips to yours, but your turn your face away so they only skim against your cheek. 'You're not supposed to do that, Brad.'9

He presses his lips to your neck, instead, to your pulse, and then he murmurs, 'I miss him terribly, Chaz.'10

'Rob?' You automatically circle Brad with your arms, and he leans into the embrace. 'You loved him?' Brad nods and is a shivering wreck in your arms. There's something deliberate in the way he rocks against you but you ignore it, even when, after a few more minutes of holding Brad, you realise that he's hard. You ignore that, too, even when you get hard. You hold him until he stops shivering and say, 'I'm sorry, Brad.'11

He sniffs, but he's discreetly trying to touch you at the same time. You push him away, down onto the sofa, and stand up. 'Do you really think that fucking me would take away any of your pain, Brad?'12

To your utter disbelief and annoyance, he nods. 'It seems to work when you fuck Phoenix, so why wouldn't it work when I fuck you?'13

'Because I don't do that with Phoenix because he "takes my pain away". I don't have any pain.' You didn't even realise that was a lie until you finished speaking. 'The pain I have is the pain he gives me. It's the pain I ask for.'14

***15

THEN.16

Mike demands at the rest stop, refusing to explain, for Phoenix to swap with him. He doesn't even take much of his stuff, he just gets onto the other bus, and Phoenix gets onto yours.17

You're sat wrapped up in the blanket in the bunk, and you watch Phoenix approaching down with a confused look on his face that very quickly turns into a grin. 'Oh, did you get caught fucking Brad?'18

You nod sourly. Mike had said nothing. He'd gone back down to the end of the bus and and hidden there until the rest stop. You'd climbed into your own bunk and everything went quiet between you and Brad. 19

Phoenix climbs into the bunk and smacks you hard across the face. 'You fucking dirty slut. You couldn't even wait until the hotel. I bet you moaned like a fucking banshee. I bet you cried out Brad's name so loud. You probably fucking gave it away that Brad was doing you up the ass and you loved it, and it was better than anything you ever got from Mike.' He smacks you hard again, and you fall back on the pillow, shaken but not broken by his words or hits. This is what Phoenix does. He hits you.20

He straddles your thighs but there's nothing sexual about this - not for you, at least. You relish in the fact he's hitting you, because you deserve it. At the same time you know that he's doing it because you like it. You can't tell if this is punishment or not.21

Phoenix grips your throat and squeezes. 'You'd love for Mike to do this. But he's so perfect he's probably going to forgive you. You want Mike to hit you and be angry but I bet on the other bus he's just crying... maybe he's crying in Joe's arms. Maybe,' Phoenix moves his hand from your throat to his own knee and leans down so that you're nose to nose with him. 'Maybe, Joe's running his hands over Mike's back. Joe kisses him, which surprises him,' Phoenix continues and you stare up at him in utter hatred and disbelief at what he's saying. 'But then he kisses back because he's so lonely and hurt right now. How do you think Joe would sound when he made love to Mike in Joe's bunk at the back of the bus?'22

You struggle but Phoenix settles all his weight so you can't move. 'It's a shame we're never going to find out,' you snap.23

There's a blinding pain in your jaw and you hold it, your face scrunched up and your head spinning. When the world comes back into focus, you realise that Phoenix had punched you. 'I'm sorry,' he says softly. 'Was the liar and the cheater getting envious and possessive? Now. Where was I... right... back of the bus. I think, that Joe would kiss all over Mike's neck like this...' He continues to describe what he thinks Joe would do to Mike - which really, really gets you nervous - whilst carrying out the actions themselves. You can't help but think that Joe would kiss Mike. And that Phoenix isn't kissing you on the lips at all.24

This is a generally disturbing experience for you, you realise as Phoenix peels your clothes away. He's keeping up a commentary and the pretence that this is what Joe is doing to Mike. It's supposed to freak you out and make you lash out, but you just sort of lie there and gasp into Phoenix's touch. He's being unnervingly gentle with you, but the vicious smile he wears comforts you that this is pretence.25

The kindness of his touch is gone suddenly; maybe he's realised that you're not reacting to anything as strong as he'd like you to, and he sits back and forces you on your front. In your mind you come to your senses, and tell Phoenix very loudly and clearly, 'No.'26

He pauses, and you can almost hear him processing the word. He tells you, 'I'm going to fuck you whether you want it or not.'27

The words should terrify you but they don't. They just don't, maybe they can't. You feel so detatched that it's like an out-of-body experience. You feel like you're floating above the bunk, away and out from the way Phoenix is now brutally slamming into you. In the distance you can see that you're crying, but more than physical pain it's the emotional pain, and your face screws up and you bite your lip because you're really, really enjoying it. He keeps hitting you and pulling your hair and scratching your hips and back and at one point, you smack your face on the wall and you bite your inner cheek and taste blood. Phoenix is now ranting to you about how he can't believe you had the cheek to say no to him, telling you how disgusting and nasty you are and that he wishes there were more ways he could call you a whore, and that you really need punishment.28

He keeps repeating the word punishment but it doesn't really get through to you until he's done and he immediately pulls out and is off the bunk, dressed in record time and stood there watching you until it really clicks into place and you clunk back to earth. 'Don't come,' is the simple-sounding instruction. With the complete return to your senses you realise you badly want to. 'I'm going to get a coffee. If you come... if I return and you've jerked off, then you're going to get something even worse.'29

It must be ten minutes after he's gone when the divide on Brad's bunk opens, and he says quietly, 'You know why he did that, don't you?'30

You nod, vaguely understanding. 'He wanted you to hear.'31

'I don't think you should listen to him,' Brad said slowly, swinging his legs out the bunk and sitting forward. 'I think you should come.'32

You intend to fully listen to Phoenix's instructions, so you get your pants and stand up to pull them on. 'Make me.' It wasn't supposed to be an invitation and you try to take it back as soon as you've said it, but by then Brad's already kissing you, and you're pressed back against the frame of the bunk, kissing him back pretty eagerly whilst he jerks you off. 33

It's pretty quick and shameful, but either way you're still kissing him when Phoenix comes back. 34

You're stuck on a bus with two people you absolutely can't resist. Despite the fact your boyfriend just caught you with one of them.35

Phoenix's punishment - after a brief rant including the phrase "two-cent gutter slut" - is surprisingly minimal. He describes some more of what Joe and Mike must be doing, then proceeds to get Brad off in front of you. Afterwards, Brad vanishes away to the other end of the bus.36

Phoenix instructs you to lie down on the bunk, which you do so, then he straddles your thighs again. 'You disappointed me. You keep disappointing me. If you keep up with Brad, I'm going to have to stop with you. I don't want to sleep with someone who is that cheap.'37

Why does that hurt?38

'You're not going to sleep with Brad again.'39

'Why shouldn't I?' You sound like a petulant child and you're so grandly pissed off that he's telling you who you can and can't sleep with.40

'Because like I said. I'm not going to fulfill all your little desires if you keep on doing that.' He kisses your neck, then bites it hard, making you gasp and wince. 'Get over the fact you're not gonna have your precious nice-fuck anymore.'41

Then he leaves, and you lie there staring wordlessly at the top of your bunk for the next hour.42

It's then that Brad appears, and leans down and says, 'We're here, Chester.'43

Oh good. You need to talk to Mike. You get up and push past Brad - who protests and scowls - and walk down the bus, watching out the front window as it pulls into the car park at the back of the venue. As soon as it stops, you're out, and you're waiting at the other bus as it pulls in.44

Mike gets off first, and just stares at you. 'I'm not in the mood for this.'45

'We need to talk, Mike,' you beg, taking his hand. 'Please, come on. We need to talk. It was a mistake - I just - I'm sorry.'46

'You think that's going to take the fact you fucked Brad right under my nose back?' Mike glanced behind him as Joe and Rob climbed off the bus, and the pair glanced at you and Mike nervously before walking off towards the building.47

'I know I've fucked up so badly, but we can work through this. Please, Mike, I love you. Remember last night? That was amazing, it's the best night of my life apart from when you first kissed me.'48

Mike sighed and stared at the ground, then lifted his gaze to you. 'I want you to go to the sexual health clinic in the next town. I want to know if you've got anything, and if you've given me anything.'49

'I haven't slept with anyone else! I haven't got an STI, Mike, not unless I got it from you.' Wrong thing to say.50

Mike glares at you, tears pricking his eyes. 'I can't trust you, Chester. If you love me, you're going to do this. Brad wasn't using a condom. I know that, y'know, because I know that Brad hates the way condoms feel so he avoids them where ever he can. And you don't use a condom with me so I do not want to have to find out by chance later in my life that you've given me a disease.'51

You nod numbly. He is absolutely right. You lean in and kiss Mike's cheek. 'Okay. I'm so sorry, Mike, this was such a mistake. I don't even know why I did it, yeah? It was just one big ugly mistake.'52

'I loved you,' Mike suddenly sobs, his arms going around you and his face burying against your neck. 'How could you do this to me?! I love you so much... I left Anna for you and you did this...'53

'D-Don't leave me, Mike,' you whimper, hugging him tightly. 'I love you. I'll do anything to make this up to you.'54

Mike straightens up, going cold again and pushing away. 'We're just gonna perform the show tonight, okay? We're going to get through that, and...  then we're just going to... Whatever. We're gonna get through it. We can leave whatever is left of our relationship for later, okay?'55

He walks away, towards the venue, and leaves you standing there feeling completely lost. However badly you fuck up, you still love Mike more than anything. You've always been in love with Mike, really, even when he was just a spiky-haired ball of angst and when you were just that blond druggie guy.56

The wind blows and the heavens open, pouring sudden rain down and soaking anyone who stands still for too long - namely, you. You watch as everyone starts to make a rush for the venue and start to follow them. Time to set up, you guess. 57

The sound check goes well, if a little forced. Mike just makes everyone rush through the songs and at one point, he walked out, coming back in ten minutes later after some coaxing from Joe. The knowledge that he takes more comfort from Joe than you sends your blood boiling. How dare Joe start making a move on Mike. How dare he. 58

You start to resent the way Joe looks at Mike more and more as the sound check goes on, and then when it comes to the actual show you can't help but possessively wrap an arm around Mike's waist and glare at Joe in the middle of Numb's verse. Nobody notices the glare; there are just a load of catcalls when Mike laughs and kisses you on the cheek and shoves you away (albeit with more force than necessary).59

By the time that Faint rolls around as the last song of the night, you're pretty sure that Mike is really, really pissed off with you for the stunt you pulled in Numb and once you're offstage he shoves you hard in the shoulder.60

'What were you playing at?!'61

'I was trying to keep up appearances!' You freeze up and back away from Mike. 'I - I - I was just - '62

'No, you were looking at Joe. Do you think that there's something going on with me and him, huh?' Mike was yelling now, angrier than you'd ever seen him. He kept approaching you - you continued to back up down the hall. 'You think that I'd ever cheat on you? You stupid, ungrateful bastard! Maybe you like to cheat on me, Chester, but I fucking hate the idea of being with anyone but you! It makes me sick to my stomach! You're such an ungrateful, disgusting little shit! I hate you, you fucking bastard!'63

At that point he turned and left, leaving you utterly stunned. You had never, ever seen him like that before. You immediately follow him, calling, 'Mike, please!'64

'Please what? Please forgive you for cheating on me, then forgive you for basically accusing me of cheating on you?!' Mike continues to stride down the hall.65

'Yes, if you must know!' You catch him by the wrist, pull him to you and kiss him on the lips. 'I love you, Mike. And I'm sorry. And I know we can work right past this because you're the best thing in the world and I am going to do anything in my power to stop myself from losing you.' You kiss him again; he melts into it and presses against you. There's some cheers from the people who are milling around having just witnessed this argument, but you ignore it.66

Mike eventually breaks off the kiss and slaps you around the face, only to kiss you again before reprimanding, 'You are far from forgiven, Chester Bennington.' 67

'I know,' you murmur, nuzzling him. 'I know. I'm so sorry, Mike. I swear to god it's never happening ever again. Ever.'68

'It better not,' he mumbles. 'Else that's it, Chester. I can't be with someone who cheats on me.'69

'I know. I know.' You sigh and take his hand, suddenly remembering the girl from the night before. 'Cindy'll be here with her friend. God, she's come a really long way to see this show...'70

'We better get our asses outside and find them, then,' Mike finishes your sentence. 'Before they think we're complete assholes.' 71

He forgives you too easily. You love that part of his nature. He near-enough drags you outside as you go to the buses. 'Cindy and her friend are probably on the other side of the gate.' He points past the buses and you squint in the night air at the bunches of fans beyond the gate. Brad and Rob are out there, and your stomach lurches when you see the look Brad gives Rob. It's a gentle, kind one that you've not seen before. You take down a mental note to talk to him later about Rob.72

You spot Cindy hovering near to Brad, apparently immersed in what he's saying, and approach with Mike. 'Hey,' you greet her, and she beams. 73

'Hi! This my friend, Cait, I told you about her.' Cindy gestured to the girl stood next to her. 74

'Nice to meet you,' Mike nods and smiles at Cait. 'How far have you guys come to see the show? I mean it took our buses like - what, how long Chaz?'75

The nickname makes you smile and you curl against him. 'Like five, probably six hours.'76

'We sort of live in the middle, it took me three-ish hours to get to the show last night and three hours to get here,' Cindy explains. Mike grins.77

'Dedicated, man, I like that.'78

Cait perks up, 'Thanks for saying you'd talk to us! There's not many people who'd do that.'79

'Hey, always happy to meet fans.' you offer to the conversation. Mike excuses himself to go get a drink from the bus and vanishes back through the gate.80

'Are you and Mike okay? He seemed a bit tense.'81

'Cindy!' Cait looks shocked and immediately adds, 'I'm sorry, Chester, you don't have to answer that, Cindy can be a nosy bitch when she wants to.'82

'Hey,' Cindy protests.83

'It's okay,' you assure them. 'Me and Mike had a bit of an arguement today, that's really it. Don't worry about it, we're fine.'84

'What about?'85

'Cindy!'86

'You should listen to your mom,' you joke. Cait blushes suddenly and scowls. You smile at her and spot the Music For Relief bandanna she's wearing and take the opportunity to change the subject. 'Hey, you're into our MFR stuff?'87

'Yeah, I've done some volunteering and I've bought quite a lot of the stuff,' Cait perks up with a smile. Cindy nods in agreement.88

'Yeah, well, keep it up. Donate, volunteer - you know how to do it, am I right?' You wonder if Mike has any cigarettes. He does it socially, a hell of a lot less than you do, but you've somehow managed to avoid them for a few days when your last pack ran out. 'Phoenix and Joe will probably be out soon, so stick around. I should be back soon, I'm gonna go see what's taking Mike so long.'89

You wave and wander off back towards the bus, and climb in. 'Mike?'90

'Down here,' he calls.91

You frown, walking down to his end. 'What are you playing at?' He doesn't answer you, so you walk faster, and see him lying down in your bunk. Smoking, thankfully. 'You read my mind,' you tell him with a grin. 'We're not supposed to smoke on the bus, though.'92

Mike gestures at a window. 'That's open. It's enough. I know you've been dying for a cigarette. C'mere.'93

You nod and climb down on the bunk, kissing Mike's neck before settling in his arms. He offers you the cigarette, half-smoked already, and take it. 'Thanks,' you murmur before taking a drag. Ah, sweet nicotine rush.94

'I asked Rob and Brad to swap bunks,' he reveals.95

You instantly go on the defensive. 'You didn't have to do that.'96

'Yes, I did. I don't want to see Brad's face for the rest of this tour unless I have to. It's not that I don't trust you, although admittedly right now I don't. I know you're not going to cheat with him again. I just can't stand to look at the guy I thought was my best friend.'97

The consequences of the sex make you feel sick. You've ruined Brad and Mike's friendship. You've endangered Linkin Park's future. What if Mike demands that Brad leaves? Phoenix would protest and then leave, too. 'Mike...'98

He seems to sense your fears and calms you with, 'Nothing's going to happen. I just... I just can't deal with him for now. I'll get over it.'99

You let a beat pass. 'I'm sorry.' You get down to the last drags of the cigarette and realise you don't have an ashtray. 'Uh...' You frown.100

'Chuck it out the window,' Mike suggests. You get up and throw the stub out of the high window.101

'Maybe we should go back outside. I told them I'd be back,' you say, folding your arms and sort of hovering in front of the bunk.102

'Forget it. Come on, lie with me.'103

This is an unusual mood for him but you're not exactly complaining. You lie back down and pull the divide across. Tonight you're just grateful he's letting you near him. 'I love you, Chester.'104

'I love you too.' You hesitate before saying, 'What's going to happen?'105

He shrugs. 'I don't know.'106

***107

NOW.108

You end up staying the night at Brad's; you tell Mike that you went to Phoenix's, got a little tipsy and don't want to risk the drive home. You know that if you tell him you're still at Brad's, he'll kick shit. You haven't been drinking, of course.109

You set the boundaries with Brad. Phoenix's threat still lives in the back of your mind and frightens you. You go to sleep in Brad's bed with him, giving him the genuine company you know he needs right now.110

Phoenix never told you that you couldn't mess around with Brad to an extent, though, so when you wake up at three am and Brad's hand is sleepily wandering up and down your thigh, you push him down on his back and kiss him.111

You realise, just as Brad's hands are tugging at your boxers, that this really isn't helping. 'Brad!'112

'What?' He looks flustered and starts to continue tugging at your boxers. You slap his hands away. 113

'Brad, you need to make up with Rob. You need to stop sleeping with anyone you think might make you feel better. Especially Phoenix.'114

Brad peers at you through the gloom. 'I can't stop sleeping with Phoenix.'115

'Why?'116

'I just can't. He's Phoenix. He's... Once you've had him you always go back. He's like that. He's irresistible.'117

'But you have to. Rob will never come back to you if he doesn't believe you're being at all faithful.' You bite your lip. 'Please, Brad. I know you love him. You have to try if you want him back.' Pulling away from Brad, though not before pressing an affectionate kiss to his lips, you climb out his bed and start to get dressed.118

Brad stares at you in confusion. 'Chester, you can't just leave now.' 119

'I'm sorry, Brad.' You kiss him again. 'Make it up to Rob, okay?'120

You leave before he can reply, wandering out to the car. On the way, you make a decision, contemplating your current life. It's hypocritical, for you to tell Brad to stop sleeping around and then be sleeping with Mike and Phoenix. You have to make the choice to leave one behind.121

You sit in your car, and sit with the engine off, staring out your window into the black of night. You realise that you are in love with the impossible; he will never be able to give you everything you want. He won't ever keep you satisfied. His idea of romance wasn't the same as yours. You decide that you need to start looking at things, at the world, in black and white. Make things simpler than they really are, and suddenly it becomes easy to choose.122

You make your mind up to drive your car to the home of the person you're going to break it off with. The other, you will offer your whole self to; and if he doesn't accept, then well, tough. You've ruined your life, and that's that.123

You start up the engine and begin what feels like an endless drive. You don't put the radio on incase a song reminds you of your predicament. You stop outside the house, chewing your lip before you switch off the engine and walk up, finding the key and unlocking the door. You step inside the house and find him sat there in the living room.124

'I wasn't expecting you,' he frowns softly, and stands up to kiss you.125

You lay a hand on his chest, take a deep breath and begin to leave the person you thought was the love of your life. 'I'm sorry, Mike.'126

***127

THEN.128

It's long after the tour is over when you're at a gay club with the rest of the band. You're club-trawling, because you have nothing better to do. You're dancing with Mike and kissing him, and then Phoenix bustles in and announces, 'Mind if I grab a dance off Chester?'129

Mike, fuzzy with drink and a head clouded with the weed he was smoking with Rob earlier, doesn't care. 'Sure! Don't touch his ass, though, babe,' he drawls, planting a sloppy kiss on Phoenix's cheek. 'That's mine.'130

Phoenix laughs. 'Get the fuck out, you loser.' He shoves Mike away, then captures you around the waist and smirks. 'Let's go, sweetheart. I have a place I want to take you.' He takes you by the wrist instead then, and leads you through the crowd and out the club. You glance back to see if Mike has noticed, but he's giggling whilst molesting Rob's jeans trying to find the half-smoked joint. Rob is just watching him blearily and occasionally glancing at Brad, who laughs. Joe is talking animatedly without really realising that no-one is listening.131

'They don't care, Chester,' Phoenix voices your thoughts and nips your neck, bringing your attention back to him as he leads you out the club. The night air is cold and you wonder if Phoenix is going to have sex with you outdoors. He's still holding your wrist as he leads you down a street and into an alley; you frown but follow obediently, chasing the winding alleyways for what must be at least twenty minutes before arriving outside another club. Phoenix announces, 'I love this place.'132

It looks real seedy and you're fairly sure it's a sex club of some sort, especially when Phoenix pays for you and him to get in. He grins at you, and your stomach lurches unexplainably when you meet his eyes. 'Come on.' He drags you in and you're surprised by how... normal it appears, at first. There's a bar and people dancing.133

It takes you another minute to realise there are booths, some open but most with partitions across the front. One of the open booths you glance at happens to be two girls with their hands up eachothers skirts. You wrinkle your nose and try to find a more pleasant sight. You've never classified yourself as completely gay - you honestly loved and were attracted to Talinda and Sam - but you're not so into girls that them fucking eachother is a turn on. 'Why have you brought me to a sex club?' You yell in Phoenix's ear over the thump of techno.134

'I figured we could get a booth,' Phoenix remarks, earning a slap from you. He grins. 'I knew you'd hate that idea. What about a glory - '135

'Don't even finish that sentence, Phi,' you sigh tiredly, gazing at him, leaning into him. This feels oddly normal... this feels nice. There's no Mike to worry about, and Phoenix wraps his hands over your hips and mockingly sways you to the music, making you smile. 'Why are we really here?' You ask.136

'I don't know,' he replies unhelpfully. 'Why are we here?' A smirk tugs at his lips and annoys you. You hate it when he doesn't answer properly. 'You can choose why we're here,' he offers. Your smile vanishes, you frown instead, unsure of what he means.137

A girl catches your eye over his shoulder; she's a lithe, beautiful thing with dark hair that sports red and blue streaks, a short skirted, floaty dress and no bag. She stops dancing to order a drink, and your jaw drops as she reaches into her bra to retrieve her cash.138

'Do you like her?' Phoenix glances in the direction of your gaze before nipping at your throat.139

'She's pretty.'140

'Do you want her? It can be arranged.'141

'Arranged? How do you know she's not taken, or - '142

'Chester, this is me you're talking to,' Phoenix purrs. 'I can arrange anything.' This somewhat rang true - Phoenix had absolutely amazing powers of persuasion.143

Still, you challenge his authority and declare, 'Try it.' He grins and swings away from you, towards the attractive woman, and leans in. You stare in disbelief as they exchange only a few words before he takes her hand and leads her back over.144

'This is Rissa,' he announces with a knowing smirk.145

She chips in with a warm, sexy smile, 'Hey there.' You return the smile, and she bats her eyelashes at you and says, 'So are we going to get out of here?'146

You swallow. 'Sure.'147

Phoenix stands between you, one hand possessively on your hip and the other on hers. He smiles like a pimp and your stomach twists in knots; you do feel strangely like a whore. 'We'll find a cheap hotel and book a room,' he suggests, leaning in and tugging your earlobe with his teeth gently. It sends a shiver down your spine, straight to your groin.148

You hold your patience until Phoenix has paid for a room a few streets away, and as soon as you're in, you watch as Phoenix wastes no time in undoing the back of Rissa's dress and watching it drop to the floor. She has an impressive body, not that you doubted the fact but it's still a breathtaking sight to see her stood there in heels and lacy underwear.149

Phoenix turns her to face him and kisses her. The knot in your stomach tightens and you want to shove her away. Phoenix never kissed you; and now a stranger he's simply picked up he is kissing with more passion than he's ever even looked at you with. You want him to kiss you, you realise. You really want him to kiss you. Suddenly you want to go back to Mike; you know he cares enough to kiss you, even if he was busy getting stoned with Rob.150

His hand slides down her stomach and and she bends into the touch; the hand goes lower into her panties and within seconds she's moaning whilst kissing him.151

You just stand there and watch with a frown. Phoenix pulls his lips away from hers and faces you, and says, 'Aren't you going to join in, Chester?'152

The way his tone is so thick and husky is a real turn on; you want to go over but you're not sure where to put your hands. So you just stand there and watch even as they progress to the bed, even when Phoenix starts to undo his pants.153

It's horrible of you that you're quite so upset to see that he's hard. Why didn't it bother you when he was fucking Brad? That should've bothered you far more than anything else.154

Maybe it's the way you know this is a show whereas that was just them having sex. Rissa lies down on the bed and shuffles upwards, kicking away her underwear and smirking at Phoenix. You realise, then, that you're completely forgotten.155

You don't want to get left out.156

You push Phoenix down on the bed, away from Rissa though, and straddle his hips possessively, attacking his neck with your lips and tongue. Somehow you automatically avoid kissing him; you think it must just be habit now.157

He makes a deep, guttural groan in the back of his throat and that alone makes you whimper. There's a desperate fight to rip clothes off, and in typical cliche, a few buttons do indeed fly in various directions. Phoenix bites down on your shoulder hard once it's bare, sure enough to leave a mark but that only crosses your mind for a second. He grabs your shoulders and pushes you down onto your back, pausing to find a condom in his jeans and ripping it open with his teeth.158

There's a loud cough that distracts you both and you peer over to see Rissa dressed fully again, stood by the door. She places a tissue with a number scrawled on it on the bedside table; she kisses Phoenix deeply, then you, and declares, 'I'll leave you boys to it... call me sometime, though, maybe next time it can be just you and me. No jealous boyfriends involved.' She smirks.159

'He's not my boyfriend,' you both chime at the same time, and she laughs before walking out.160

Phoenix looks down at you and growls in that very appealing tone of his, 'Where were we?'161

'Put the condom on and fuck me, you bastard!'162

'Now I remember.' He decides to take a painstakingly long time about it, and when the condom is actually on, he decides he's going to take his sweet time jerking himself off a little first. You groan in frustration and pull him down, intending to go for a kiss but he dodges you. You're hurt but you ignore it - instead you suckle at the join between his chin and his neck and moan when finally, finally he pushes into you and begins to thrust in and out, biting and licking repeatedly at your neck as he does.163

Afterwards, you lie in his arms and you're both silent. You really hope he won't talk, or move, because it's perfect right now. You, and him, just laid here like this is.. it really is perfect - even though you know it can't and won't last. You don't want it to last, or you don't think so, anyway. You do love Mike, with everything that's in you. Phoenix isn't your affair; he's your dirty little secret, your heroin. You hate yourself when it's all over but the high is fan-fucking-tastic.164

You gingerly touch the mark on your shoulder and tell Phoenix, 'How am I supposed to explain this to Mike...?'165

'You're not,' he replies. Phoenix kisses your cheek and runs his hands down your sides, over your ribcage, down to your hips. 'We should be getting home.'166

A tingle runs up your spine. 'Is home with Brad?'167

'Brad's home is with Rob. My home is my home, shared by whom-so-ever happens to be my choice that night.'168

A funny feeling swells in your chest and you say, 'Rissa?'169

'Maybe.'170

'What about me?'171

There's a tense pause and Phoenix rests his chin on your shoulder and says darkly, 'What about you?'172

You can't think of what to say to that, so you say, 'You're right. Time to go home.' You climb away from his arms and pull your clothing on in a hurry. 'I'll get a cab.' You find your mobile and dial, inform them of where you are and tell them to get there as soon as possible.173

When you turn around Phoenix is dressed too, and he looks completely adorable with the expression he's giving you. He then repeats, 'What about you, Chester? You do know this is not a romantic thing, yes?'174

'Of course I know that,' you snort, rolling your eyes like it's obvious. You make your way out the front and stand there waiting for the cab, and ask Phoenix, 'Why do you never kiss me?'175

He gives you a long gaze, and looks like he never even heard what you asked, so you repeat it.176

'Because kissing isn't my thing,' he replies disparagingly, scowling.177

'But you kissed Rissa and - '178

'Cab's here. I'll call you. You know how it is.'179

You stare at him and turn, getting into the cab and paying them extra to take shortcuts and drive faster because you don't want to have to look out the window and see Phoenix.180

When you get home the flat is empty; you'd normally worry but today, you're just relieved. You collapse into the bed, stripping away only your jeans and shoes before curling up tightly and falling into a deeply uneasy sleep.