Weary Darkness

I’ve seen hell. I’ve seen the horror that people can make, I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it… If you can even call this living. Mike said that when I found out who I was… and who my father was… That I’d become that lifeless broken doll again. I guess this just goes to show that Mike doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does. I never stopped being that doll. Not once. I still feel the pain from wounds that have long since healed. I still feel that fire burning up inside me, threatening to consume all the false pride and strength I’ve built up. 1

But I think this is the breaking point.2

There’s always something in the world that makes us snap. Something cruel and hurtful. Something that shatters us until no one even bothers trying to put us back together again. I think this is my point. I saw the tests. I know who Dani is. I know who she’s always been. Maybe it’s been in the back of my mind for a long time. But there’s nothing in my mind anymore. Nothingnothingnothing. Just blanks. I can’t register this. I can’t. But I do.3

I can feel this. I know it’s real. The smell of burning gunpowder. The ache on my bound wrists. The sight of those last few precious moments. The sounds of those last few precious cries. That face turning to me, begging me to save her. Pleading with me. And then the gun goes off. And now I know too much. I know everything, I know nothing. I know that gun’s make and model. I know that there’s so much blood on the floor that she can’t possibly live. Bullet in the brainpan, squish! There’s someone screaming. Is that me? I can’t tell anymore. No… It is me. I can see me screaming at them. 4

Why her? Why not me? Because we wanted to make a point clear. We wanted to say how you begged for death. Death. The ending of all vital functions or processes in an organism or cell. Words are rushing, rushing rushing rushing rushingthoughmybrain. There’s water landing on the ground, but the sky is so damn bright. Crying? Transitive and intransitive verb to shed tears as the result of a strongly felt emotion. “Make it stop…?”5

They seemed so happy to comply. The gun cocks and aims. My forehead. Forehead is fine. Not much to shoot at in my chest anyways. No heart there. Never was. Never could be. Hollow space. Hellfire tornado. There’s red in my vision. Red carpet spreading, touching my knees. “Adalina…” I croak out her name and the spell is broken. The walls and door cave in. More bullets, more gunfire, more deathdeathdeath. The duct tape bonds are cut and I scramble over to Adalina… Stroke back her hair, cover up the wound. Maybe it goes away?6

My hands come back sticky with blood. The blood… Her blood, on my hands. I can’t breathe, all I can do is shake and quiver and cry. I hold her close to my body, willing her to live. Begging her to live. And now it all becomes clear. This is what too much death does to a person. This is what they put on the line when they take this life. This is what they can lose. It’s a game we play, here in the Family. I lost.7

A gun is on the ground and I can feel myself reaching for it. My fingers barely graze the cool metal when a voice jars me from the spell once more. “Bella. Don’t.” it’s Mike. It’s always Mike. Getting into my damn business. Just like he always does. But now something burns. And I know. I know everything.8

And I look at him. Burn his face into my mind just once more. I shake my head. “Please don’t call me that, Mike…” I tell him sadly. 9

“Why? It’s your name, Bella.”10

“And please don’t lie to me.” Then I smile. The softest smile I think I’ve ever had. “Call me Lia. Lia Nereza.” His face burns in my mind. Shocked, like that boy so long ago. The gun is so smooth in my hand, so strong. Still cocked, ready to be fired. I place it at the side of my head. Hold my breath. Close my eyes. Cry.11

Just like my daughter.12