Does It Show?

I softly pattered up his stares and tapped softly on his door. I breathed slowly in and let it out with a big gust, watching as my frozen breath floated into the midnight sky. I squinted my eyes as the porch light was flipped on, and I gripped the bottom of my coat tightly as the door softly creaked open.1

“Lexi, what are you doing here?”2

I smiled up at Justin, my best friend and only confidant. “I was bored, thought that I would come by here and talk. Sorry it’s so late.”3

Late, it was 1 in the morning.4

He smiled back flawlessly and opened the door wider so that I could trample in behind him.5

“Coffee?” he asked as I unzipped my coat and threw it on the edge of his couch.6

“Of course.”7

He laughed and padded into the kitchen. I sat down on the couch and snuggled into the middle of it, crossing my legs underneath me. I closed my eyes and silently listened to the soft clinks of the coffee pot, and the splashing water as he filled the pot and poured it into the machine. I could smell the aroma of the classic roast as it began brewing, bringing back memories of past times like this.8

He sauntered back and sat down beside me, carelessly throwing his arm around my shoulders. I opened my eyes to look at him and couldn’t stop the sigh of contentment from escaping my throat.9

“So, what did you want to talk about?” he asked, tucking some loose strands of hair behind my ear.10

“Nothing in particular,” I lied, tugging at my hoodie sleeves and trying my best to control my frantic breathing. “I just couldn’t sleep.”11

I couldn’t sleep because of him. No matter the number of sheep I counted, the different positions I tried to sleep on, his face, voice, eyes, everything wouldn’t escape my mind, making me as restless as ever.12

“Why not?” he asked, looking at me with genuine curiosity clearly displayed in his beautiful amber eyes.13

“I had a lot on my mind.” At least that wasn't a lie... he was a lot to think about.14

We were silent as we listened to the hiss of the coffee machine in the kitchen brew our coffee, leaving the sweet aroma creeping everywhere, including the smallest nooks and crannies, in the house now, enticing our senses to the most extreme. Nothing smelt better than this, the smell of good memories.15

“So, what is on your mind then?”16

I smiled and shrugged. “You know, the usual. Confusing thoughts about my life, what could have been, what could be. Things like that.”17

He nodded and pulled his arm off of my shoulders and walked into the kitchen to pour us a couple cups of the much needed caffeine.18

I pulled myself into a standing position and stumbled into the kitchen as well, skipping to the counter and jumping up to sit gracefully on the marbled top. He handed me one of the green mugs, and picked up the other and slowly sipped from it, staring at the opposite wall, not really looking at anything. I gazed at this perfection, him, for a good two minutes before I found my voice that had been lodged into a tight ball within my throat.19

“Justin, can I tell you something?”20

He turned his attention from the blank wall to my curious face and nodded, taking another sip of his coffee.21

I ran my hand over my pulled back hair and breathed in deeply. But, nothing came out. I wanted to tell him I loved him, that I wanted him in my arms forever and ever, to run to Las Vegas with me and get married. I wanted to pull him into a tight embrace, drag him into the living room and do with him what I could only imagine. I wanted him to kiss me with the exact same force and love me as I did him. This was what I wanted to tell him, but those words inside my head just refused to let me speak them aloud.22

He looked at me expectantly, waiting patiently as I unscrambled words in my head, thinking of different ways I could tell him. 23

I took a long drink of the hot coffee, barely noticing at how much it actually burned.24

“I-I love that I can talk to you when I need to,” I whispered.25

He smiled and laid a reassuring hand on my leg. “And I love that you talk to me when you need to.”26

I smiled too, but slowly scolded myself inside my head for not blurting out the words that needed so badly to be said. It amazed me how this 19 year old boy affected my life more than he thought. I was slowly watching as my life kept passing by with those words that I had never said. 27