Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Sixty One

The next day I ended up in a restraint1

I had been trying to ignore the loud
Screaming voices pouring into my ear
But during my afternoon of my second day
It all got to be too much to deal with2

I had been sitting on the couch of the Day Room
Trying to read a book that a nurse had lent me
The voices were so loud I couldn’t focus on anything
I still have no idea what that book was about3

One minute I was struggling to ignore the voices
Trying to convince me that I needed to die
And the next I was completely sucked in
The outside world had disappeared
All I was aware of was feeling really cold
And everything being really dark and foggy4

“Do you want us to leave you alone? I don’t think you do. I think you like us. You secretly want us around. We know you do.”5

“No I don’t. I hate you. I hate you. Just shut up. Just stop it. Leave me alone!”6

The voices ignored my shouts
And continued to boom in my ears7

“You will die soon. Your parents will cry. You will die. Your parents will cry. Die and cry. Die and cry. Die and cry.”8


“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” 9

I screamed to them
At some point I guess
I started banging my head
Against the wall behind me
In a desperate attempt to stop
The voices from continuing to
Torment me with their ramblings10

I have no recollection of feeling my head
Collide against the wall or feeling any pain11

The voices continued their barrage
And according to staff I continued
To bang my head really hard
Against the hard and unforgiving wall12

While I was still sucked in to a world
That existed for no one else except myself
Staff literally picked me up and carried me
From the plastic blue couch to the Quiet Room13

I was semi aware of everyone else’s reality
For short periods of time in the Quiet Room
I remember someone closing a door and hearing
A loud and frightening clicking sound
As the door to the Quiet Room locked14

“You are stuck. They heard your evil thoughts about you wanting your parents to die and they are going to keep you locked in here forever. This is your prison cell. Welcome to solitary confinement for the rest of your life.”15

“But I didn’t want them dead. I love my parent,”16

I wailed as I slammed myself against the door
Trying desperately to get it to open for me
So I could know that I wasn’t really
Going to be trapped in the room forever17

Starting from the end of the room opposite the door
I would run and the collide with my body into the door
Hoping my meager body weight would be enough
To break the lock holding me inside the empty room18

When people came pouring back into the room
I wasn’t sure why they were coming in
I wasn’t aware of the bumps and lumps
Sprouting all over my head
Or the bruises that were blossoming
All over the rest of my body19

All the staff that were pouring in frightened me
I didn’t like that many people there at once
And the voices had convinced me no trust them
I tried make a run for it out the door that opened
For all the staff to come rushing in
But people were grabbing me all over
And the next thing I knew I was being held
Face down on the floor of the Quiet Room
With the voices screaming warnings
In loud ear splitting voices in my head
And the staff trying to talk to me but coming through
As nothing but mumbling blurred over noised 20

All I could figure out to do was to struggle
As hard as I could against the hands
That were tightly gripping my body
And keeping me on the ground21

Someone held a little paper cup
Of pills in front of my face
As I lay there on the floor
I didn’t know what they wanted me to do
With the little pink pills
And the voices were trying to tell me
That they wanted to poison me with the pills
I just ignored the cup and somehow it seemed
My ignoring of the pills had made the pills disappear
Because when I came back to the present reality again
The pills and the paper cup were gone22

I was still being held on the ground
So I still continued to struggle
Because I didn’t know what awful things
The people holding me down were going to do
To my prone and terrified little body23

I was still switching back and forth
Between two zones of different realities
When I felt a sharpness invade my bottom
I heard the sounds of Velcro being undone
Then the next thing I knew
I felt straps tightening around my wrists
And straps tightening around my legs
And flaps fastening my body down24