Oh, that the day was new,
Oh, that you were mine,
I'd bottle you up and seal the wine,
Keep you through and through.1
I dreamt you were in love with me,
Your bluest eyes ablaze;
A silly girl am I, with dizzy-headed craze,
Unmerited, my plea.2
I thought in an instant you were strong,
A champion unattached,
My sentiment starry-eyed, quite mismatched,
This dotty girl's love song.3
I think of you too well,
My cheeks and heart aglow,
Your careless affection in a row,
Lined up prettily for me to dwell.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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this poem i really good you shoud really sell ur work i was so amazed awsome job and keep it up!
please return favour and read darker than life displayed on featured and comment
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hee-hee...
hey, this was good, Sarah. This conveyed love and admiration with just the right amount of whimsical spite that stings but still holds love regardless of its unrequited status. You nuanced your write like a verbal emotional roller coaster and I rather enjoyed the write. Regardless of the fact that this is a storywriting site, this was probably one of the better poems I've ever enjoyed here. Well done.
al
Oh, heavens to betsy, it appears I already commented on this write. Ahh, well...Funny, but my opinion remained the same. Truly, I must be a sincere commenter and most keen in my poetical assessingness. -
Wow. This was really good. To me it almost seems like it could be a professional poem. Like if it said some really famous poet wrote this, I would definatly beleive it! Fantastic job!
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Maybe the second stanza is just in the wrong place?
Otherwise... I'm not sure what else to suggest. The rhyme scheme is crazy. It completely throws me off, because of the subject matter, I'd expect something more solid. Ok- something more cliché. But it's unique and only vaguely held together by a mismatched beat- and it's wonderful to read. I like that so much of this can be interpreted in different ways.
Excellent, love
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I love it, really. The only problem I have is the second stanza, it throws off the whole poem. The FIRST stanza however, is fantastically perfect. I love it! LOOOOOVE it. might steal it for myself. it's very good, altogether.
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I loved it...tis really well-written... sort of in the older style of love poetry. The emotions are very nicely expressed as well. Great job.
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Okay, nice write, but....
You have used words and rhythm in an off-beat style here, and I quite liked the way it was anti-rhythmic, yet still keeping fairly close to the intended meter. Not an easy thing to accomplish with such a personal piece of poetry.
My problem here was that I was out of sympathy with the writer, and this is possibly the dreaded analyst in me. I remember you were hurt not so long ago. But the thing that troubles me is in the first stanza.
"I'd bottle you up and seal the wine,
Keep you through and through."
A bit possessive, perhaps? Love isn't about possession, is it?
"A silly girl am I, with dizzy-headed craze,
Unmerited, my plea."
Or, as Shakespeare said, loved not wisely but too well. There's an honest humility here, a self realisation that seems cathartic. Interestingly, too, the catharsis seems merited. You have misread someone you now realise was quite unworthy of you, but still accept your share of responsibility for what went wrong. All this is clear, and but for the possessive lines referred to above, I might have had nothing to say, but it appears so early, and resonates right through, that you lost my sypathy.
I stress that this is a purely personal reaction, and would add that, though I like poetry, I am by no means competent at its analysis. This is merely my twopence worth, and a very personal twopence worth at that, so feel free to discard what I say.
Stanza 2) Polluting, not poluting, the only typo -
hey, this was good.
I like this and the illustration of disenchantment that often follows high expectations placed prematurely in the hope of love. There's a reason why folks are so cautious in love and you illustrate the need for that well in this write. This was very good with just the right amount of acerbic. Well done.
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This was a strong poem.
Very powerfull yet devastating with every line that read on.
The lovers calling, wishing, needing for a love that is putrid and intoxicating... a love that she thinks is sorth more than it really is, her affection and admiration high, high yet dazed in confusion.
well written
I liked it very much so
Keep writing
you have a wonder with language.
Blair
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