Angel is catching her breath from running so hard. She can hear them calling her name. She looks back but cannot see them. She keeps running. Angel feels that if she stops, they will get her, and then they will hurt her more. Angel sees a cave; she tries to run to it, but trips over a rock. She tries to stand up, but falls down again. She broke her ankle. She hears them coming closer. Angel tries to get up but with her ankle broken, she cannot stand. She can see the cave. Angel tries to crawl to it. They are getting closer. She sees a large bush. Angel crawls over to the bush, and then climbs into the bush holding her breath in fear they would hear her. She sees them; they are still looking for her. She hears them calling out her name. 1
She is scared. She starts to panic. They are looking towards the bush. Angel is screaming inside. Her ankle is hurting. It is starting to swell. She can see her skin starting to show over her jeans. She feels like the blood is being cut off her leg now. Angel still does not move. They are still here. Angle knows that if she moves, they will find her. She is frightened. Alex starts to walk over to the bush, but Valerie calls him back. He looks one more time at the bush, but then walks back to Valerie. They start to walk away. Angel continues to hold her breath for fear they will come back for her. Angel cannot hear them anymore so again tries to crawl over to the cave. Angel is almost there. She crawls towards the cave. 2
Angel’s breath stops, she falls to the ground. She starts to scream. “There you are. We saw the cave and thought you may try to go there. Now you are ours,” Alex tells Angel while laughing. Valerie walks over to Angel and kicks her in the ribs. Angel screams in pain as Valerie continues. Alex yells at Valerie to stop. Alex tells Valerie “Don’t hurt her too much; she still has to lead us to the treasure.” Angel is crying and begging them to let her go. Angel tells them “I will tell you where it is, but you have to promise to let me go.” Alex looks at Angel and starts to laugh. Valerie turns back to Angel and says, “Now why would we let you go? We are just starting to have our fun now. You foolish girl, you do not understand do you? You are our toy. We own you. You can’t leave,” Valerie is waving a gun in Angels face. Angel looks at them. She has another tear building up in her eye. However, she will not let it fall. She looks around the cave. She sees some light coming from the other end of the cave. She starts to think of how she can get away. Angel knows that they have to sleep sometime, and when they do, that is when she will get away. Angel feels she must find the treasure before they do. It is her only hope. Angel lies down to try to sleep for a while.3
Angle wakes up from the pain in her ankle. Alex is standing over her saying “We must move, the dogs are hunting us, and they are getting closer.” Angel tries to stand up, but again, due to her broken ankle, falls down. Valerie yells at Alex asking him “what the hell is wrong with her? Get her up. We have to move now!” Alex pulls Angel up, but she falls down with a cry. Angel explains to them that her ankle is broken and she cannot walk. Alex grabs some of the sticks by the fire, tears off a piece of his sleeve and wraps up Angels ankle. Valerie yells at Angel “get up and walk, or I will kill you were you sit.” Angel forces herself to stand. As she puts weight on her ankle, she cries in pain. Valerie walks over to Angel and slaps her across her face saying, “You are going to walk. Do you hear me? I will kill you if you don’t.” Alex finds another stick and tosses it at Angel. He tells her to use that as a crutch. Angel starts to follow them as they walk towards the light at the other end of the cave.4
They get to the other end and see a forest. Alex turns to Valerie and says “Now this is nice. They will never be able to find us here.” Valerie laughs at Alex saying “No they won’t find us. Not as long as we have Angel with us. They won’t hurt us as long as we keep her alive.” Both Alex and Valerie start to laugh. Valerie then turns to Angel and says “Okay bitch, where is the treasure?” Angel had fallen down from the pain of her ankle, but looks up at Valerie and says, “Why should I tell you anything? You are just going to kill me as soon as you have the box!” Valerie replied to Angel saying, “We won’t kill you as long as you do as you are told, and you find the treasure for us.” 5
Angel then looks at Alex who winks at her and says, “Its okay honey. You can trust us. We won’t hurt you as long as you follow our direction and do as you’re told.” Angel stands up using the crutch and says, “It is between those two big trees you see in the middle of the forest.” Alex and Valerie both turn to look out into the forest. They both see that it is about a days walk away. Valerie turns to Angel and tells her “well girl, looks like we have quite a hike today. You had better start moving, as we need to hurry. It will not take long for the sheriff and the dogs to find our tracks. Now move!” Angel starts walking with her crutch at her side helping her walk.6
They walked for over 4 hours when Angel fell to the ground in pain again. Valerie kicks Angel reminding her about their agreement. “Do as you are told. And you will live to see your loving husband and children again.” Angel gets up and continues on their journey. They are getting closer now. They can see the trees a few miles away. Alex and Valerie are looking at each other smiling as if they have just won the lottery. Angel too sees the trees; however, she can hear the dogs behind them. Angel again falls, but this time, it is to slow them up, so that the sheriff and dogs can catch up. Alex looks over at Angel sitting on the ground. He says to her “You don’t get it do you? Valerie will not hesitate to kill you on the spot if you piss her off.” 7
Angel looks up at Alex and asks him “why do you stay with her? Why are you putting up with her telling you what to do all the time? Don’t you have balls to stand up to her? You are the man. You should be the one in control. Not her.” Angel continues to say to Alex. “I will make you a deal. If you kill her now, I will show you exactly where the treasure is, then you can keep it all. You will not have to share with anyone. I can tell you this. Valerie is going to kill you once she has the treasure. She will kill me too as I know who she is.” Alex looks up at Valerie as if he is thinking about what Angel had just told him. At that moment, Valerie walks over to the Alex and Angel yelling, “What are you two up too? What are you talking about? We do not have time for you two to be getting all soft with each other. The dogs are getting closer. We move now!” Alex walks over and helps Angel up. They continue on their way. They are getting closer to the treasure. They only have about a half hour walk to go. 8
Angel stops and as she is pointing she says “See the tree over there with the two branches facing downward? The treasure is under it. I buried it about a half foot down.” Valerie throws the shovel at Angel and says “Now dig you bitch. Be quick. The dogs are getting closer, and I will not hesitate to shoot you on the spot.” Angel starts to dig. It takes her about half an hour to dig, but she finally reaches the treasure. She tells Valerie and Alex “This is it. I can feel it.” Valerie runs over and pushes Angel to the ground while grabbing the shovel. Valerie yells at Alex to help her pull it up. Alex grabs one side of the box while Valerie has the other end. They lift it together. Angel notices that both Valerie and Alex are too busy trying to get the box open so she makes a run for it. Angel makes it about eight feet when she falls to the ground screaming in pain. At this moment, Valerie looks around and sees that Angel has run. Valerie hits Alex on the head with the gun yelling at him that he should have been watching her. Valerie then tells Alex to go and get her. Alex starts to look for Angel. He finds her in a bush crying. She is pain and is frightened that he is going to kill her. Alex then turns to look at Valerie. She is gone and so is the treasure. Alex helps Angel up and tells her.9
“My real name is Bryon. I work for the department of criminal investigations. I have been following you for some time now. I found out that Valerie was following you and thought I would hook up with her to help you. She has run off. I must go and find her before it is too late. The whole time Bryon is talking, Angel sits in silence. She is in shock that she had support all the time and that she would be safe now. Bryon turns to look for Valerie when out of the bush he hears Valerie say “You idiot. Do you think I am that stupid? I knew who you were from the start. I saw you talking to the sheriff in the police station and you where holding your badge. Why do you think that I have the gun and not you? Yes, I know that you have a gun in your shoe. However, if you look, it is empty. I emptied it while you were sleeping in the cave. Now I can kill you both and keep the treasure to myself.” Angel hears a gun shot. She looks at herself and then at Bryon. She sees that there are both unharmed. Then Angel looks over at Valerie. She is holding her chest. Red is showing through her shirt. Angel is confused. She looks over at Bryon. He too looks confused. Then they both hear a familiar voice. 10
Angel jumps up. She tries to run, but falls to the ground. Bryon helps her up. Angel is crying holding out her arms. “Oh daddy, I knew you wouldn't’t let me down. I knew that you would continue to follow. However, I am sorry, I was not paying attention and I broke my ankle. Thank you daddy for taking care of me again.” Bryon looks confused and says, “You are her father? But, you are the sheriff. How did you know to find us here?” Sheriff Kirk looked at Bryon, then at his daughter Angel and says, “You didn't’t tell him did you dear?” Bryon again looks confused and says to Angel “What is going on? What does he mean by that?” Angel looks over at Bryon and says, “My real name is Sabrina Kirk. Detective Sabrina Kirk. We have been following Valerie for several years but have been unsuccessful at apprehending her. Therefore, my father and I set up this “treasure” and led her to it. Unfortunately, we did not know about you. I am sorry for dragging you into our trap, but at least you are okay. And Valerie has finally seen her reward.” 11
Bryon looked over at Valerie and then at Sabrina. Bryon then asks, “So what is in the box? Valerie never did tell me. She was probably planning on keeping it to herself anyways.” Sabrina looked at her father and they both started to laugh. Sabrina takes Bryon’s hand and leads him to the box. Sabrina pulls out a key and opens the box. Bryon’s mouth drops when he sees what is inside. Sabrina reaches her hand inside the box and pulls out a handful of the coins. Bryon does not talk. He does not know what to say. He asks Sabrina where they got the coins. He asks Sabrina how they could take such a chance on such a valuable amount of money. Sabrina replies with:12
“They are chocolate coins, painted to look real.” Bryon then says to Sabrina. “But the box is heavy. Chocolate does not weigh that much. Sabrina and her father again both start to laugh. Sabrina again replies, “It is the box that is heavy. It is lined with lead to make it heavy.” Bryon then takes one of the coins, opens it, and then proceeds to eat the chocolate. Sabrina and her father start to walk towards the cave where the rest of the police are waiting. Bryon yells out for them to wait for him. As Bryon approaches, he asks Sabrina. “So, is there anything else you haven’t told me? Where is your husband and children? I bet you can’t wait to get home to them?” 13
Sabrina turns red and replies “I don’t have a husband or children for that matter. My father is still waiting to be a grandfather, but I keep telling him that he will be waiting a long time, as my life is so busy and dangerous. And that it will be hard to find a man willing to be patient and understanding.” At that moment, Bryon turned to Sabrina and kisses her, hard and passionately. Sabrina kisses him back. Sabrina’s father tells Sabrina “I think you may have found that man. I approve.” They all start to walk away holding hands and laughing. 14
“CUT!” yells the producer. “That is a wrap. Good job everyone. The grand opening to this movie will be in two weeks. That should give Sabrina and Bryon enough time for their second renewal of vowels. In addition, it will also give Kirk and your mother, enough time to enjoy some extra time with their grandchildren. Great job everyone. See you in two weeks.” 15
The end. 16
Author notes
A story within a story. I hope you all enjoy.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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pretty good
A nice twist at the end. It kept me to the end. However, it was like reading a recipe because it happened too matter a factly instead of leaving a sense of urgency and suspense. But you have some good idea's and now just need to perfect the way you cause the action to unfold. Keep at it!
beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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Kalamina
thank you so much for your comments and honesty. this is one of my first stories. I have several others that I haven't submitted, however I do have 2 others that are a bit better than this one. thank you again for taking the time to read this story.
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the ending confused me, but otherwise, it was a good story.....
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Ghostdad. Thank you for reading my story. Your thoughts and comments are always needed and loved. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I love you too. Tina
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Endy. You are too funny. Took the words right out of your mouth didn't it. Hahaha. Lots of luv and hugs to your my dear. Love always. Auntie Tina.
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Marfon. Thank you for your comments. They are always well appriciated. Hugs to you. Your friend always. Tina
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BRAVO SUPER
okkkk
wowww lot of surprise
well writting -
I love it!! I dunno what to say,but i simply love it!!
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Thank you optomistic. Glad you liked it. I started to write this about 3 weeks ago, but then went into an emotional slump. However I am starting to feel better. So now it is finished. Thankyou again for your encouragement and your good humor. Love yah lots. Me.
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Oh I love twists and this has a few of them. Excellent write. Keep it up. I love you.
Edited on Apr 29, 3:00 p.m. because ''. -
lol ... you & your twists !! Another good one. I like happy endings.
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ahh oops, I meant that this wasn't confusing. I'm comparing how you wrote this and how others wrote stories similar to this in a way that it tells a story within a story. When people try to do that, they end up confusing the reader, but YOU wrote this perfectly, and it WASN'T confusing, not at all. Great job, once again.
Take Care,
Jasmine
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Angel, as always, I can count on you to make a comment on my work. I have like what 3 twists in this story? Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this story. I have a question for you. In your comment you said "it was confusing at all" Did you mean that it was confusing? or did you mean that it wasn't confusing at all?. Let me know please. Either way, again, thank you for making me smile again. Mind you, if it is coming from you, then I will smile anyway. You are a good friend. Tina
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Wow.. this was incredible! lol yeah it was a story within a story! Usually when I read stories that are like that, people end up making a total mess, confusing the reader, but I loved this, it was confusing at all. I am very impressed with your stories, they are all wonderfully amazing.
Take Care,
Jasmine
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