The ghost stood at the window, looking out across San Francisco. His back was to the reporter, and though a steady breeze blew through the open window, neither the ghost’s hair or his clothing was affected. The reporter turned on his micro tape recorder and lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply. He had never interviewed a ghost before. This should prove to be interesting.1
“God, I would kill for some weed,” said the ghost, turning and looking longingly at the reporter’s cigarette. The reporter frowned and looked at the ghost. 2
“Excuse me?” the reporter asked. He sighed and rested his elbows on the table. The ghost took a seat carefully across from the reporter and looked down his nose at him.3
“Pot, marijuana, hashish – do you understand now?" He pointed a thin finger at the recorder sitting on the table. "Is that device going to record me?”4
The reporter brought his hands to his head and threaded his fingers through his straight blond hair. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Can we get on with this, please? It’s not like I have all night, you know. I have places to go, people to interview.”5
“Yeah, whatever. It’s not like anyone’s going to believe this anyway. Where would you like me to start?’6
“Let’s start at the very beginning,” said the reporter.7
“A very good place to start,” said the ghost, grinning smugly. The reporter rolled his eyes and then fixed a glare on the ghost. The ghost maintained his grin and brushed a lock of long grey hair away from his face. Colors were insubstantial at best, the reporter noted. The grey of the hair had most likely been the color of ebony during life, and the clothing was pale, as well. The seeming substance of the ghost wavered, and at times the reporter could swear that he was very nearly transparent. There was no doubt in the reporter’s mind that the ghost was what he claimed to be. The ghost walked, or glided, from the window to the chair that sat opposite the reporter and he sat. His footfalls were completely silent on the cheap tiled floor.8
“Let’s see, the very beginning,” repeated the ghost, leaning back in the chair. A near panicked look crossed the ghost’s features for a moment as he passed through the back of the wooden chair, nearly falling (do ghosts fall?) to the floor. Fortunately the ghost regained his balance and righted himself in the chair.9
“Yeah, cause that wasn’t creepy or anything,” the reporter muttered to himself. Louder, to the ghost, he asked, “So, how did you die?”10
“I committed suicide,” the ghost replied, crossing his arms over his chest. The reporter leaned forward, interested now. Suicide could make for a very interesting story indeed.11
“What drove you to it?’ he asked, his voice intense. The ghost frowned, as if trying to remember.12
“I think you mean who,” he countered. The reporter sat back in his chair.13
“Well, who then,” he said.14
“My best friend,” the ghost responded. “Alexander Dupris.”15
“What did he do?” asked the reporter. “Did he steal your girlfriend? Did he run over your dog?”16
“No, he drove me to it,” said the ghost impatiently. “In his jeep. He drove me to the cliff where I jumped. Now are you going to listen or are you leaving?”17
“I’m listening!” the reporter exclaimed. He wondered idly if maybe he should leave instead. The ghost was ill-tempered, at best, and if this was any indication of how the rest of the interview would go, the reporter thought maybe it would be better to cut out early.18
“Good. I think I’d like to tell you what happened. I’ve never told anyone this before. Come to think of it, you’re the first person who was able to see me. How is that possible?”19
“Just lucky, I guess,” said the reporter, looking absently out the open window. Lucky, hell. Unlucky was more like it, he thought. The ghost stood up and began to pace back and forth through the room.20
“Anyway,” continued the ghost, “my name is Elliott McKenzie, and I’ve only been a ghost for five years.” The reporter fought the urge to mock the ghost further by responding with “Hello, Elliott,” as if they were at some sort of ghostly support group. Briefly he wondered if there were support groups for ghosts, and then wished that there were, because then the ghost could be there, and the reporter could be interviewing somebody interesting. Someone with a life, as it were.21
“I was in college, and we all drove out to the cliffs to get drunk and get laid. Well, the girl I was with, Lisa, started making out with this complete loser named Daniel something-or-other, and I confronted her. She said she didn’t think I really loved her, and I did. I loved her, dammit! We started fighting and Daniel just left. I don’t know what happed to him, but I asked Lisa how I could prove my love for her.”22
“This is getting bad, I can tell,” said the reporter. The ghost shot him a look of disapproval at the interruption. “Sorry, I’ll shut up. Keep going?”23
The ghost, who had sat back down in the chair, narrowed his eyes a little, but kept talking. “Lisa told me that if I really loved her I could prove it by jumping off the cliff into the ocean. I was drunk, and desperate, and….”24
“You jumped?” the reporter asked, disbelief showing on his features. “I can’t believe you jumped!”25
“I’m telling the story!” shouted the ghost. “Yes, I jumped! But I landed on my head - on a rock. Died instantly.”26
“How far away from the ocean did you hit?” asked the reporter, wondering if the ghost had even gotten close. The ghost looked away.27
“Fifty yards,” he muttered. 28
The reporter couldn’t help it. He began to laugh. “I’m sorry,” he tried to apologize through his laughter. “But that’s half a football field. You’re an idiot.”29
“But I did it for love!” shouted the ghost. “It was romantic! It was tragic! And I guarantee it’s the best story you’ll ever get!”30
“Not likely,” said the reporter, standing up and turning off the recorder. He put his cigarette out on the table, burning a black mark into the splintering wood. “Good evening, thank you for your time. I’d pay you, but I don’t think the money would do you any good.”31
Enraged, the ghost lunged for the reporter, but only managed to pass through him. The ghost stormed around the room in frustration while the reporter gathered his items and walked out, still laughing. Once out of the building, the reporter found a payphone and called his live in girlfriend, Lisa, to let her know that he’d be home late. He still needed to find a useable interview. He talked for only a moment, and then walked to his car. He rewound the tape and tried to listen to it, but the only thing on it was his own voice. It sounded as if he were talking to himself; as if he were crazy.32
“What a waste of time,” he said, as he climbed into his car. “Hopefully my next interviewee will be better, and not a ghost! Anything but a ghost. Hell, I’d even interview a vampire!”33
And with that he shut his door, started the car, and drove away.
Author notes
This is a parody of "Interview with the Vampire" by Anne Rice. Hope you like!
I dedicate this to Niky! I love you babe! I'm not even sure where this came from, and I'm sorry for inflicting it on you
A contest entry
- The best of the satires, and parodies. by DoozerDan.
300 points, ended February 28, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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Heh. Well, not having read Interview With The Vampire, I prolly missed some of the subtleties of humour. Ah-hah. But, I did find "My friend drove me to it" Very amusing, classic, I'm gonna have remember that one
Also, two girlfriends named Lisa, not the same one perchance?
Anyway, thanks for entering my contest, and good luck. -
haha awsome!!
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You got it! I think you're the first. Kind of liked that whole ironic twist thing, so I tried it out. Thanks
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eh... well, I can honestly say that I wasn't really trying with this piece. Character development is something that I'm focusing on improving. Thank you for your honesty
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I liked: the format. This is the first piece of prose I've seen on this site that has lots of white space. My eyes thank you. They really do.
I disliked: the flat character development. I didn't feel that any of the characters really came alive. There wasn't anything quirky about them. I thought they were two dimensional. -
Amusing
This was very amusing. I like the comedy and mockery of "Interview with the Vampire" You emulated it well to make for a hilarious retelling. Very well done.
- Draven -
LOL, well done! This is amusing! I enjoyed it quite a bit. Is this the begining to a longer story, or does it end here?
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great write and very funny. loved it. keep up the good work.
Jenna -
heh you nkow i never read interview with the vampire.
so poo on that. but i like the name similarity, there, so that it seems the reporter is dating the ghost's girlfriend.
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LOL that was really funny! i'm sorry i didn't read it before that.
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This is great!
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Hi nice twist, we all know who the reporter was, who knows in a follow up things could get even more interesting, liked this write it was ammusing as well as a little sad what a clot the ghost was,all the best it was fun reading this. Di
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Lol... Interview with the Vampire...
This starts out funny, with a lot of comic relief, then the transition from funny to not funny is so sudden... but this is a great short story, I love it. You had every reason to feature it. I shall applaud.
~Le Pyro Pixi Stix~ -
Great play off of Interview with the vampire. One of my favourite books. I'm wondering if the interviewer is with or is the one that stole the ghosts love Lisa. Very intriguing and well written. If there's going to be a sequel, IM me. I'm interested in reading more.
Maab -
Lol i liked this lots! the characters were good and i liked the humor in it! well done!
Lauren xxx -
I loved this story. Did you realize the reporters girl had the same name as the ghost's girl friend? Or was that on purpose, so a future story could continue from this piece? Well written plot.And I enjoyed it.~~~Suseann
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I LOVE IT I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT...!!!!!
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excellent
I loved it. the story just all tied in together, that's very cool. It was light hearted but had a hint of tradgedy and sadness(Please forgive my awful spelling) anyway it was very unique and I really enjoyed it -
lol
just the laugh i needed in the morning. good stuff!
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LOL that was fuuny I liked it, i noticed the similarites between this and the movie, i dont know if u have heard of it or seen it but i couldnt help but imagining Christain Slater and Brad Pitt just like in the movie. This was a real laugh for me so great job! Well I think thats all I have to say, thanks again for making me laugh and take care ~QueenT~
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that was funny. i loved it. i liked the little part at the end, about interviewing a vampire...i think i am going to have to read that book again....great write...toodles
until next time,
Whit -
A great read indeed!
I recognized similarities from the onset
Brilliantly done!
I also luv how u potrayed Elliott
Thanks 4 the laugh!
TC and Happy Writings
Edited on Apr 28, 5:04 p.m. because 'typos...(sighs)'.
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This is a lovely, and very funny story. Well done indeed!!! It makes for good reading amongst all the dark writings on the site. Keep on doing lovely work like this, please !!!
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Heh heh heh heh heh very nice
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That was funny as hell....
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So I did pretty well at emulating the style? I'd hoped I would, since it's been over twelve years since I cracked an Anne Rice Vampire book. (geesh I feel old saying that ) So if I nailed it, I'm pretty happy. The beginning is what I remember the best. I'm glad you liked it. I was laughing all the while I wrote it.
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Fucking Awesome!
I love it Thank you Rainy-Roo 
It was funny and sad and bang up to date and I really really loved it I loved the whole Interview with the Vampire type conversation - Wonderful I liked the part at the end where it made you think was the girl-friend Lisa the Interviewer's Girlfriend. I loved it Luv Niky xxx
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This was great. LOL!! Is exactly what I did when I reached the end.
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Thank you thank you thank you Auset!! I'm so glad you got that this was supposed to be a rather humorous story, I don't think anyone else realized that. Yeah, I was going for irony, and I'm glad I achieved it, and that I could make you laugh.
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LMFAO! Ooooooooh my. Talk about irony. Quite honestly, very few people can portray irony very well, it's a lost art, and not one that's acquired. You did it with amazing talent, even if it wasn't intended in the first place. I love it.
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Wow,
that was really good.
I mean I liked it, yeah well umm keep up the good work. Sorry that I can't say anything else lol.
~LiSa~
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