Dahni sat alone. Although it was mid-day outside, her curtains were pulled and the house was dim. She had given up on the outside world a long time ago. If you asked her who the president was she could not answer. She really wasn't even sure what year it was. She only knew the day. Today was Tuesday, the day her groceries were delivered to her house. She didn't know the grocery boy's name. She didn't want to. It was bad enough allowing him into her house. He was part of the world she so terribly hated. She didn't remember what he looked like, she always kept her back to him when he entered her house. He simply was to bring the groceries in, take his four dollars off the kitchen table and take the garbage out on his way back out. That was his job. She'd do it herself, but that would mean going outside, which of course would mean she'd have to see \It\. The world outside. Hell. That's what it was, hell. She didn't know when the world had been swallowed by evil, but it had, and she would have no part of it. She sat and waited impatiently... he was late. He had never been late before. For more years than she could remember, he had always been right on time. Three P.M. every Tuesday. Now it was nearly four. \Wait.... something.... she heard something....\ 1
"Dahni.... \DAHNI!!!!\" Dr. Clemmins tried to wake the old lady, but she would not respond. He felt for a pulse... there was none. Perhaps it was for the better, he thought. Perhaps she was happier now. After all, she had been disconnected and delusional ever since the day her children put her here.2
Dahni strained to discern the source of the sound, thinking perhaps she'd heard her name called from a distance. No, it was nothing, just her mind playing tricks on her again. So now all she could do was sit and wait. She wondered if the boy had forgotten about her. In fact, she wondered if anybody remembered her. After so long, did anybody still care? Would anybody even notice if she died?3
As Dr. Clemmins left the room, he glanced at the table. Indeed, the four strips of paper were there again. He'd never quite understood that, but suspected they were left there for him.4
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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wow your a really good writer, and i`m a really bad reviewer, I can never put what I think into words when I`m reviewing so i`ll just leave it at: this was really good you know the part that she never saw the boy was clever, because he really didn`t exist, at this point in her life anyway, well not really her LIFE, but yeah you get it right, just great story..
Edited on May 24, 5:49 p.m. because ''. -
This was very good. You said a lot in a very short amount of space, which is admirable. Poor woman locked in her imaginary world, which is no better than the real one. In her imaginary world she is at least confined and alone because of her own choice to not go outside, and not by the choice of her children who don't seem kind enough to visit her.
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Very accurate write
Wow this is really how it is for the residents in a nursing home. They often go into their own world at a certain point. -
This is great, one of your best
I like how subtle this is, you really have to pay attention to realize that she's dead and doesn't know it.
"Dahni.... DAHNI!!!!" Dr. Clemmins tried to wake the old lady, but she would not respond. He felt for a pulse... there was none."
"Dahni strained to discern the source of the sound, thinking perhaps she'd heard her name called from a distance."
I also like how the whole part about her waiting for the grocery boy, and never leaving the house is all going on inside her head. She's really in some sort of hospital or nursing home. The four strips of paper left for the doctor was a great idea, brings us right back to the four dollars she always left for the grocery boy, and lets us know it was all a delusion.
"He simply was to bring the groceries in, take his four dollars off the kitchen table"
"he glanced at the table. Indeed, the four strips of paper were there again."
Wonderful way to tie it all together. This is a story that forces you to read closely and put together all the little clues. I love it when a writer doesn't spell it all out for the readers, while it may go over some people's heads, those who take the time to solve the mystery will really enjoy this. Excellent job
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Wow, that is really cool. The explanation seemed very forward, but I liked that. It still left the reader some room to take it and fold it into what was going on. I especially liked this part:
"The world outside. Hell. That's what it was, hell. She didn't know when the world had been swallowed by evil, but it had, and she would have no part of it."
You must understand that I know this is a serious piece, and very beautiful, but I look for the humor in everything, and those lines were awesome. At the same time, they're very ominous. Great work; I enjoyed reading it. -
This was different. I enjoyed reading it though, very interesting way of telling the story. Left me a bit confused as to what was really going on, I mean, yeah she's dying and in a nursing home right? Or is it a mental hospital? Hard to tell. Anyway, good job with this!
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oh this is wonderfully sad....is this going on? i'd love to see more on this one
it could be so much fun....but sad of course...great writing good luck in the contest
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this is very cool. it is a bit confusing until i realized she is in a coma like state...i like the ending with the four pieces of paper that is very neat and connects her mind with the real world. very great story! especially for a first timer.
~Ash~ -
Excellent, you have a real knack for story telling. I was totally drawn in, and I 'm dying to know more. What is up with the four strips of paper? And has the world truly gone hell? Keep writing, this is a brilliant start.
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very good
I thought this was very good I enjoyed reading it -
good
This was a good story, very imaginative. -
this is clever. i enjoyed reading it very much. you gave a glimpse of what a mind could be thinking let's say if one had alzheimers.
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this was so cool...a little bit confusing though. maybe it's just me, but i think it would be a little less...i don't know, if there was a little more description. i think that this could be a really cool story! great job
love
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good
Great job, i really enjoyed this, it's not my usual preference, but it was brilliant nonetheless, good job, and i look forward to reading more of you in the future, later, the incomparable crackertl82 -
oh wow this was so cool!!!!
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