Once a World (Part One)

~ Part One ~1

Ever since I was little, the myth of going blind if you stared into the sun always intrigued me. I would look up with my wide blue eyes and stare. They captured blinding pain but never ending beauty none the less. The light, the rays of gold were brilliant in my mind, and if I do go blind, I wouldn't regret it. The image of neon yellow will reside forever on the canvas in my mind.2

When I think about it, I guess I can add that up to the radiance you 3

held the first time I saw you. You had everyone around you entrapped by your charm and supposed wisdom. I say supposed, but although you were extremely intelligent, you made bad decisions. Every girl at your feet you stomped on, you break hearts like they were bread. You killed dreams, and I saw this but still I dug myself deeper into the chains you created. Wanting to know why you kept me at a distance. Why did you separate me from the others at the time? You told me once you saw something in me you never saw in someone else. You never told me what, just that I was a promise that had been destroyed. I saw a glimmer in your eye when you said you had never meant to hurt me. 4

As you become my friend you spilled the parts of your heart you wanted me to see and no one else. I found solitude in those moments, sharing my own past and dreams, trusting you like no one else. After such a short period, you had sewn yourself shut, turned on your heels and bruised the only one who has ever truly loved you. I loved you. My heart screams with the the site of me writing that, because to admit my love is showing my true state. It is where my mask comes off and I become vulnerable and honest. I have said I love you many times to many people, but I've learned my lesson, and can say I've been in love only twice. I've been hurt so many times and still have the ability to love if I let myself, and maybe one day I will.5

As for our relationship, I let you hit me because I knew it made you feel better. I let you cheat and tell me about it, because I felt I knew who you were inside. I knew your dark secrets that made you release your demons and cause your anger to take over. The bruises were nothing compared to how much I loved you. You were scared of living, and I sometimes still see that glance of solitude and humble emotion in your brown eyes. But as I said you made horrible decisions. I finally came to the realization that although I was okay with your abuse, I shouldn't have been. I still don't know how I feel, this is a secret I've never told: Although I shouldn't be abused, it's the only sign I've ever had that I'm loved. I know most people would say people who hurt others like that don't love them, but I've seen the impossible. Sometimes I wish I would have the bruises to remind me that I'm alive. But I guess that shows how I've grown, when abuse is the way I grew up, the love that fed me. The abuse was me. And now it's into my bones and I'll never shake it. One day I will realize what harmful love really is, when someone actually loves me, if it happens. Sometimes I believe I'm unlovable. 6

I believe you felt that way, too. Maybe that's what drew me to you. I wanted to be the one to show you what affection was, even though I was unexperienced and didn't understand many things. I constantly push people away now, and you know how it feels. You succeeded in forcing everyone that has ever cared for you, and you for them away. It took a while with me. You forced, but I would not move. I wanted to show you my love was immortal. My love was unconditional. I know that is how true love is. You never forget who you have given your heart to. You can lie to everyone and lie to yourself but deep down you know what is truth and what is broken glass.  I was for you alone, and yet you gave up on me, you gave up on us. And now the world seems cruel and unruly, but always know I'm still here, behind you. I may know it's over, it will never be the same and I've moved on, but I am still your friend. I still love you, no matter your faults. That's the one promise I can actually keep. 7

~8

When teenagers are placed behind white walls, the empty building becomes a prison. And for eight hours, sadistic tendencies and hateful thoughts are arranged. Rules do nothing but harm. Chaos does everyone a little good. In the drama of high school, comes experience. With experience comes betrayal, and heartbreak. Many are apparent in their breakdowns, some you can't tell. They are invisible to you. To adults, teenagers are just angst, because they don't remember the pain and the sadness that overshadows every step. The good moments can be lost in a sea of abandonment if you let them. Sometimes you have no control. The demons take over, the demons every single mortal is born with. 9

As I passed through every day, the world was moving so fast around me. I was afraid of being left behind, yet because I let fear rule, I never did a thing about it. I regret that. In my mess, the organized prison around me, I was surprised you found me, sitting at the red metal table outside the cafeteria. I was drawing upon notebook paper, the image of my heartbreak, and of humanity. You told me I was a gift, never to be opened by others. You spoke like you were raised by fortune cookie authors. I smiled, and called you an immortal thinker, the sense of lingering sadness strewn over your thoughts and words. I think you liked my assessment, and sat down to talk. When words seem to surreal, I looked at you, and the glimmer in your eyes were enough. I could sit forever in your stare, wondering what you felt. Wondering if you felt the darkness nipping at your back, as if death were waiting. I'm such a sadistic girl. We talked of many things in the coming weeks. We talked of madness and truth, and you were always there or above my level of thought. We spoke of everything we could. Of who was God? Of the most intimate of relationships, of the power of sex. You were the mind I had been waiting for, and your flesh was just as appealing. My heart sang out and drowned at that very moment. I knew one day forever would end and you would disappear. I would lose this, and I had to think if I wanted this, if you were my last chance. If I would ever been loved if you were gone. 10

Then the question was out in the open. You wanted me as your girlfriend. I told you a simple line of honesty. 11

"I'm too horrible for your time." At this, he laughed, as if my gothic mind and sadistic thoughts were nothing. 12

"That's impossible. You're always beautiful." I didn't say anything to this, for I wondered how could he sum up that with just knowing me a day, and never seeing into my soul. Yet maybe he did. Maybe if someone gets close enough, they see me for real. They see me as if I were a butterfly in a glass jar. He knew I needed to be free. I knew he had to sense it if this feeling was real. If he was real and not just my dream.13