Fourteen Days

My soul knows no peace
My heart refuses to release this pain
Pain that keeps my mind in spirals of constant confusion
Turning faster and faster they spin
I am caught in a horrific whirlwind
Don't know where I am going, to fucked up to remember
Where I have been
The loss of myself the inevitable end
I try to kill time, but it seems time's the one killing me
Each minute passes so slow that a day becomes a week,
A week becomes a year
Only fourteen days
Days that feel like a prison to me
I thought that I could do it sober
But sobriety means pain
Pain that will kill me if felt
I guess I regressed to the booze and the bullshit
Blinding my brain so I couldn't feel the misery
I quit after twelve of those fourteen days
Only to wind up in a meth haze
Great while it lasted but it intensified the pain
My mind keeps on racing through day fourteen.
But the hours have been so long, I can't believe I survived them.
The fun's all over, the high at it's end.
Don't give a damn if I'll stand again when it's through.
I sit, shake, and rock all alone with my pain.
Sober again, no one has held me, I am so cold.
I let myself and my baby down for a blind high with clowns.
My baby deserves so much more from me;
But how can I tuck him in with nowhere to live!
I really don't know if my heart can survive
the cold truths, I have seen this time.
Alone I get lost deep inside my head, wishing I was being held.
So I hold my knees tight upon my chest, hugging me,
holding onto myself the only way I know best.
No one will whisper care in my ear,
Will knees standing guard ease this fear,
The hollow emptiness in there?
For now I am numb.
How could I have again been so dumb?
For we've been here before with the same exact score?
Here crashing down with heart crippling agony.
They talk shit as they head for the door.
I guess, being vulnerable, I had hoped for more.
Yet self-absorbed people never go last;
so alone, bruised, and broken, shattered alone on this strange floor,
I scream and cry, amazed to find myself lost in isolation here.
Shaking with a hemorrhaging heart, I finally decide it is time.
Well past time.
To do the unthinkable. I dig through my backpack, purse, and
belongings searching for the one thing that will end it all.
Then I find them by happenstance. By a simple poke of a needle upon my finger, I find the syringe.
I heat up the biggest dose I've always dreamed of, knowing
this would be the final one.
I roll up my sleeve, wrapping my belt tightly around my arm,
hoping in vain that they will appear.
The mother of all veins pops up and I hold my breath.
With a single tear I push the needle while plunging the syringe.
"Who got the last laugh you lousy fucks I call friends?"
I fall back dropping my death wish upon the floor.