The Place It Had Been

They had done it together, and that made everything okay.  For now, she told herself she wouldn’t think about it—didn’t need to.  Through the double glass doors and onto the hard concrete her high heels clicked and tapped, clicked and tapped.  His heavy steps were a loud thud beside her.  Maybe not actually loud, but all of Julie’s senses were heightened right now.  She stopped, tipped her head back, and squinted against the bright light assaulting her eyes.  Harsh heat penetrated her skin as she stared into the sun-induced redness behind her eyelids.  Then she opened them and faced the source, unblinking, defiantly, daring it to burn her memory, sear her mind until it went blank.1

Why wasn’t it a rainy day?  Maybe she’d feel worse if it were, but with it so beautiful outside, it was hard for her to realize what had just happened inside her body.  She stumbled in her heels.  Eric’s arm jutted out immediately to stabilize her.  Why had she dressed up today?  She’d thought it would make her feel better to look pretty when she felt so ugly.  At least then, other people wouldn’t have to know.  She’d been wrong.  It was a relief to have Eric here with her, though.  He was peaceful, laid back, unlike everyone else in her life.  She needed that.2

“Kevin did what?” he’d asked in confusion when she’d first told him.  “Julie, I can’t understand you.  You’ve got to calm down.”3

“Eric . . . I don’t know where he went.  When I woke up this morning, he was already gone.”  Julie was still trying to make sense of what had happened.  “None of his stuff was in the closets.  He hadn’t even put the coffee on.  Eric, he always puts the coffee on.”  She knew she probably sounded insanely emotional.4

“Did you tell him?”5

“What do you mean?  Of course I did.  I had to tell him.  But I didn’t think he would ever do this.”6

Julie could still feel the anxiety she’d felt right before she told Kevin what she was going to do.  She’d put off telling him because she didn’t know how he would respond if he didn’t support her decision.  He was short-tempered.  She’d bitten all her nails down to nubs before she’d gotten up enough courage to get the words past her dry lips.  But she’d made up her mind.  And that’s what she’d told him. He’d gotten upset—furious even.  He’d wanted to change her mind.  But she didn’t want to consult with him.  She was scared and simply wanted to get it over with.  She’d just needed to be honest with him.  But she never expected him to leave.  Ever.  For any reason.  7

If it had been Eric, things would have been different. 8

“Julie, you know I’ll go with you.”9

Julie remembered how Eric had calmed her down yesterday, the day Kevin had left, and then woken up early this morning to drive her to the clinic.  It’s not that she couldn’t have driven herself, it was just better to have him here.  She leaned into his arm. 10

“Starbucks okay, Julie?” he asked while guiding her into the corner coffee shop.  He just asked her to be polite; he didn’t wait for her to answer.  That’s usually how he did things, but she didn’t mind.11

At the table, Julie stared straight ahead while sipping on her iced latte.  There was a little too much ice and not enough latte.  It was all over now.  She lost herself in thought and mindlessly stirred her drink with her straw.  Kevin really was gone.  It was only the day after, and she knew she shouldn’t, but she missed him.  She’d especially missed her coffee this morning.  She liked how he made it.  Just a touch of cream and a lot of sugar.  Strong, but still sweet.  And he always brought it to her in the mug they’d gotten in South Dakota.  It was her favorite.  It had a picture of Mount Rushmore on it and said: Even Presidents Get Stoned.  She smiled to herself, thinking about it.  12

They’d done so much together, and she’d wanted him to be with her today.  If he couldn’t stand by her after three years together, what in God’s name would her parents think?  She knew exactly what they’d think.13

“Julie.”14

Eric’s hand reached across the table and covered hers.  For a moment, it felt like Kevin’s.15

“You know your parents need to know.”16

She nodded because she didn’t have any other response.  Julie sighed.  Her mom and dad.  They both believed they had suffered through life because of Julie.  They’d been disappointed when she started smoking in 10th grade.  They’d actually cried the first time she came home drunk.  Her parents had gotten upset when she chose to go across the country to college.  California was a world apart from Virginia.  They’d disapproved of her major in theatre arts and had never been supportive of any of the guys she dated.  Her mom had been furious when she and Kevin moved into an apartment right outside of San Diego together, while her dad seemed to have given up on her entirely. 17

For at least seven years, all through high school until now, she’d been in one ongoing battle with her parents.  But she’d never done anything like this before.  What was she supposed to say to them?  “Mom . . . Dad.  I’ve really done it this time.  You know my live-in boyfriend you warned me about?  Well, he knocked me up and left me alone.”  Julie almost chuckled at how humorless the whole situation was.  She thought she could make decisions on her own, but look at what had happened.  Now she’d have to face her conservative, judgmental parents and say, “Yes, you told me so.  Yes, I’m a failure.  No, you don’t have to claim me as your daughter anymore.”  Not that they ever really had.18

Good Lord, she did not want to do this.19

“You could go and tell them for me, Eric.  I mean, they’ve met you.  They like you.  You don’t have a history of disappointment attached to you.”20

“Stop it, Julie.  They’ll be okay.  You’ve matured.  Maybe they have too.”21

She took a deep breath.  “Maybe they have too,” she repeated. The ice in her latte had practically all melted by now.  “You will go with me, tough, won’t you?”22

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”23

Why couldn’t it have been Eric?24

Richmond was as peaceful as ever.  It was beautiful in the spring.  The trees lining the long driveway to Julie’s plantation-style house were in full bloom and shedding pollen everywhere.  The long drive was usually worth it just to see those trees.  Usually, she flew home, but she needed the extra time on this road trip to gather her thoughts.  She and Eric alternated driving.  This time, the several-days’ journey hadn’t seemed so long—possibly because Eric sped most of the time when it was his turn, possibly because Julie wasn’t ready for it to end.25

Her parents greeted her and her best friend with the same loveless hugs she’d always received.  They hugged her because she was their daughter—that was all.  The three of them sat in the den, sipping tea served on the fine china, while Eric stood behind the scenes for moral support. She wanted to do this alone, but it was comforting just knowing he was in the same house.26

The she explained it all to them, watching their blank faces remain so throughout the whole story.  When she broke the final news, it sounded horrible even to her ears.27

“Julie . . . .”  Her mom’s trembling hand covered her mouth as her eyes became glassy.28

Her dad let the room.  That was typical.  Then it was only Julie and her mother.  They sat in silence.  But not the comfortable silence found between most mothers and daughters.  It was as awkward and painful as silences could get—the kind that made Julie want to scream just so there would be some noise in the room.29

Julie smoothed out her skirt with the floral print.  It was the one her dad had said made her look grown-up one time.  She ran her finger over one stem, tracing the green until it ran into the pink bud.  Then she nervously played with the opal ring on her middle finger. 30

Say something, Mom, she whispered to herself.  Say I’m a terrible person.  Say you’ll never forgive me.  Say I’ll regret this for the rest of my life.  Just please, say something.31

Eric cleared his throat in the next room.  It was a much needed reminder that he was there.  32

“So how long have you been sleeping with Eric?”33

“Mom!”34

“Well, I was just wondering, Julie, since it seems you’ve turned into quite the little college slut.”35

“That’s not what it was,” Julie mumbled.  She was surprised she had any voice at all.  Talking to her mother always gave Julie that constricted feeling in her throat—the one that made her feel like she needed to cry but couldn’t.36

“Look at me, Julianne.  I’m your mother.”37

“I can’t.”38

“Yes, dear, you can.”39

“I don’t want to.”  She never had.  And she hated when her mother called her “dear.”  It always sounded so cold coming from her lips.40

“You disobeyed me to live with this guy you never let me or your father meet.  And now you come here looking for sympathy because of this situation you’ve gotten yourself into?”  When she said “this guy,” the whole thing sounded so dirty. 41

“Mom, could you just lay off me for a minute?  I’m not asking for your approval or Dad’s.  Trust me, I never expected it.  I just wanted to be honest.”42

Julie never looked up from her strappy black patent leather sandals.  Her stomach was cramping.43

No one said a word until Eric peeked his head around the door frame of the kitchen where he’d been waiting into the den.44

“We ready to go, Julie?”45

Julie nodded.  Silently, she stood with as much dignity as she could muster and walked past the couch where her mother was sitting to the front door. 46

She paused there with Eric a step behind.  She gave him a look to tell him the car would be the best place for him to wait, and he slipped out the door.47

She could feel her heart thudding against her ribcage—a steady pulse that ran throughout her entire body.  She turned and faced her mother who, by now, had a trail of fresh tears on her cheeks.  She smoothed her skirt again.48

Julie took a deep breath and let it seep out slowly.  “I would say ‘I’m sorry’ Mom, but I didn’t do this to you.”  She paused, knowing what she wanted to say but scared to go on.  Soon, the words came tumbling out on their own.  “For once, this is not about you.  It’s about me.  I didn’t mean to hurt you, but this was a choice that I had to make for myself when on one else was there to help me.  I know you must think this is a bad reflection of you, but not everything in my life is about you, Mother.”49

There was only a slight pause before her mother wiped her eyes and came to stand before her daughter.  She looked beautiful, as she always did, with her flatteringly feminine dress, makeup applied in just the right amount, and hairspray holding an intricate yet delicate style.  Julie remembered always wanted to look like her mother when she was a little girl.  She’d wanted to be like her.  Things had changed.50

“No one else needs to know about this, Julianne.  And you can stay in your room tonight if you wish.”51

“I don’t want my room, Mom.”  Her throat began to constrict again, more forcefully this time.  “I want more than that.  I always have.”  Not that she ever expected her mom to understand.52

She slipped out the door and closed it gently behind her, slowly shutting out her mother’s face.  Julie sagged against the doorframe, willing the tenseness in her body to flow out of her skin and into the wooden door.  It was over.53

Julie awoke in her apartment that was still empty when she had gotten back the night before.  The sound of the silence shrouding her room became a gentle hum, like her ears were ringing, just not as harsh.  She felt it weighing down her skin, making her go limp under her sheets.  She’d said everything she wanted to say to everyone she wanted to say it to, and now she was alone.  But the stillness felt like closure of some sort.  An almost tranquil quiet, if that was possible for her.  She lay there, staring up at her ceiling, trying, for the first time in days, to feel nothing.54

Outside, the rain was soft and hushed.  Finally, a rainy day.  Somehow, it comforted her. 55

The shrill ring of the phone on her nightstand startled her.  She waited for the answering machine’s beep and heard Kevin’s gruff voice say, “Jules, I know you’re there.  Pick up the phone.”56

She kept listening to his breathing on the line.57

“I know you’re in there, Julie.  I talked to Eric.  Now pick up the phone!”58

After a moment, she heard him curse and then a click.59

She took a deep breath and let it out in an inaudible sigh.  Did she even want to talk to Kevin again?  He did still have her key, so she needed to get that.60

Don’t fool yourself, Julie, she told herself.  You don’t care about his stupid key.61

But she did need to find a new roommate.  She picked up the phone to call Eric, then placed it back on the receiver.  Later.62

Maybe she should call Kevin back about the key.  The phone rang again.63

“Julie . . . please.  I’m sorry.”  Click.64

God, he sounded so desperate.65

Julie placed her hand under her nightshirt and felt the place where it would have been—where it had been.  The spot was painfully empty. She pressed harder, longing to feel anything but the hollowness she found there.  She pushed and kept pushing.  She pushed until it hurt.66

She didn’t cry.  She hadn’t cried about any of this.  But she did fall asleep again, thinking of all she wished she could get back. 67