Cohort Court

Cohort Court1

by Aaron Shay2

Characters:3

Judge4

Baliff5

George6

Priscilla7

Howie8

Larry9

Gregory10

8 other Chess Club members11

Setting: A blank stage. At stage left there is two sets of the following: table with two chairs behind it. These are placed at an angle to face the audience. At stage right, a podium, next to which is a witness box. Upstage center are twelve chairs, in a horizontal 6x2 rectangle. George is sitting in one of the chairs at the table. He looks angry, frustrated, rebelious and tired. The baliff stands next to him, silent and stoic.12

George: (looks at his watch, then sarcastically) Eleven bells and all’s well. Haven’t you got anything better to do, big guy? I know I do. Why hasn’t anyone told me why I’m here? Isn’t there some sort of legal rule you guys are breaking? (pause) How did it come to this? What have I done that’s worthy of being tried in a court? I can remember every moment since middle school clearly. Photographic memory. But I haven’t got any negatives in this noggin that would be worthy of a grand jury’s attention. What about you? What reason have you got to be here? Eh? Nothing. What do you remember? Well? Listen, I have to get back to my job. I work as a writer...? At a newspaper...? Hello? Anybody home in there? Huh. Guess not.13

Slowly, from all angles and entrances, the jurors start filing in as George continues to speak.14

George: I thought I had friends everywhere. Shows how much I know. Well, well, well! It’s about time something started to move in this place. This old gargoyle hasn’t got a terrible lot to say. No action, no words. Better than some of the other options, I guess.15

Baliff: All rise.16

Enter Judge, who sits at the podium. As he enters, jury rises, but George doesn’t.17

Baliff: Docket number 6-1-3-9-19-13, the honorable judge H. Adolph presiding.18

George: All those people... in the jury... look familiar.19

Judge: You may be seated. (they do) What are the charges brought against Mr... George David Hasselhoff? (snickering) You’re named G. David Hasselhoff? (jury starts to giggle)20

George: I can’t help what my parents named me! Shut up!21

Judge: Watch your tongue, young man. This is a court and you’re on very thin ice here. Baliff, what are the charges brought against this... man?22

Baliff: Two counts of bad friendship, and one count of bad relationship.23

Judge: How do you plea, Mr... Hasselhoff?24

Jury bursts out laughing.25

George: Shut up!26

Judge: Your plea, sir!27

George: What is this place? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why should I make a plea?28

Judge: All right, I’ll take that as a “not guilty.”29

George: But I want to know-30

Judge: The prosecution may call their first witness!31

Priscilla comes down from the jury.32

George: Wait... I know that girl... But what is a witness doing in the jury pool? That has to be violating some rule. Judge-33

Judge: Baliff, instruct the defendant to be quiet during the court session. (Baliff smacks George across the head with a strange object produced from the Baliff’s pocket) Thank you. Now, proceed to tell the court about your relationship with the defendant.34

Priscilla: I met George in a bar on 68th Ave. He seemed nice enough. We started dating, and soon we moved in together.35

George: Wait! That’s right. We used to date. I thought I remembered that...36

Priscilla: That was when things went crazy. He pumped Elton John out of his boombox, and he knows I can’t stand Elton John.37

George: Oh, come on! Elton John is brilliant! If you listen to him enough you’ll hear it!38

Judge: Baliff, please instruct the defendant to be quiet during the court session. (Baliff produces an entirely new and much stranger object from his pockets and proceeds to smack George upside the head again).39

George: Cut it out!40

Judge: Again. (He does. George shuts up) Thank you.41

Priscilla: Then, he took me to a Abba concert. And, on Valentine’s Day, he brought home “Tron.” He said it was romantic. And he never gave me anything for my birthday.42

Judge: Rebuttal, Mr...H.?43

George: I bought you a life-time supply of Lunchables when you turned 23, right?44

Priscilla: Not exactly. You won that in a sweepstakes.45

George: But I did give it to you.46

Priscilla: ...Yes.47

George: Thank you.48

Judge: Are you sure you don’t have anything else to ask this witness?49

George: Yes... why?50

Judge: Oh, nothing. Nothing. You may step down, miss. (she does) Next witness!51

Larry and Howie approach the bench together, coming from the jury pool.52

George: What? I’m pretty sure two people can’t be witnesses at once. This really not constituitional. Or fair.53

Judge: Sir, please silence yourself! State your names, for the record. Please.54

Larry: Larry Hoagie.55

Howie: Howard Dinkleberg.56

Judge: Present your case.57

Larry: We’ve known George since 3rd grade. He’s always been a downer. When we wanted to have a snowball fight-58

Howie: He wanted to study physics.59

Larry: When we wanted to go joy riding-60

Howie: He wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.61

George: For the record, I gave that up years ago. Years. Many many years. (Baliff hits him with a strange object) Gaw! Stop doing that! I was clearing my good name.62

Howie: The real clincher was during a party to celebrate the end of high school. We had invited everyone who was cool over to our house, and we charged George with picking up a movie. We said to ourselves, “Hey, he may be a little weird, but he can figure out what’s a good movie, right?”63

Larry: Wrong. He picked up Schindler’s List. Schindler’s List! There is no worse movie to bring to a party. He said it was an “enlightening” movie. Whatever that means. We tried to tell him not to put it on, but he did anyway. Let me tell you, there were some quality womenfolk there that night that we could have enjoyed the company of.64

Howie: But we didn’t. Because of George.65

Judge: Rebuttal?66

George: When you say, “end of high school,” does that mean you graduated?67

Larry: Well-68

Howie: -No.69

George: And what did you do in retaliation to me? For all of those times I hurt your social expirience?70

Howie: Oh man, we-71

Larry: Shh!72

Judge: You will answer, boys.73

Larry: Fine.74

Howie: We fed him chocolate.75

George: And what effect, if any, did that have on me?76

Larry: You, umm, hurled a lot.77

Howie: And got all sorts of pimples. Man, you were alergic to that stuff! I remember this one time, in band, you were playing the tuba and-78

George (interrupting): Thank you.79

Judge: You may step down. Next witness!80

The 9 chess clubbers descend, and Gregory is pushed to the witness stand.81

Gregory: My name is, uh, Gregory Farnsworth Morton. I went to highschool with this individual. He was in chess club with all of us here. He was a good chess player, and uh, (secretive) that’s being generous.82

George: Hey!83

Gregory: He was sly. Too sly. He backstabbed us at every turn. When I ran against him as president, he... he released certain pictures of me to the club that... that cast a bad light on me so that he would be elected. Well, it worked. You hear me? It worked. All he cared about was getting to the top. It didn’t matter how he got there.84

Judge: Mr. H, its your witness.85

George: What were those pictures, Mr. Morton?86

Gregory: Well, I don’t like to say it. 87

George: Are you trying to hide something from this court, Mr. Morton? I’m sure the baliff here would love to help you-88

Gregory: All right! All right. They were pictures of me... and my dog... going to a sportswear store. I don’t want to talk about it. Please.89

Judge: Thank you all. You may sit down. Now, we have heard the testimony, the jury will go into recess to decide guilty or not guilty.90

The lights go out, save for a spotlight on George.91

George: Hello? Where did everyone go? Hello? Goddamnit. This is going to take a while. I’ll bet it’s going to be like this for a whole hour. (pauses, in reflection) LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! HOW DO YOU KEEP ME LOCKED IN THIS PLACE?! I WANT OUT! YOU HEAR ME? I WANT OUT! (pause) I knew that wouldn’t work. I knew it, I knew it.92

Lights come up again. Everyone is in their place. The jury is all set up.93

Judge: Thank you for that lovely little tirade, Mr. Hasselhoff. Really 94

made my ears feel much better. Has the jury reached a verdict?95

Priscilla: We have, your honor. We find the defendant, George David Hasselhoff, guilty of Social Ineptitude.96

George: But-97

Judge: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Now, to save time, I will skip over the red tape and go directly into the sentencing process. Mr. Hasselhoff, you are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of solitude and loneliness, cushioned only by your ambition and pride.98

George: Now, wait a second. I may not be a law graduate, but I know that I have a chance to appeal. If this is a court, then I can do that much. Can’t I?99

Judge: Yes, yes, oh yes. You can appeal. You can appeal right now, if you wish. But its a very difficult process.100

George: How so?101

Judge: It requires humility, maturity, honesty, and certain level of altruism. And frankly, from what I’ve heard today, I don’t think you’ve got any of that in you. You’ll get your shot at change when you deserve it. And, one last thing: don’t call us. We’ll find you.102

The lights go out again, spot light on George.103

George: This is just another recess, right? I get my shot eventually, right? RIGHT? God, even the court room was better than this. But this is what I want. Silence. Quiet. I can write. I can do my job. I can be myself. Right? Right. I can do whatever I want in solitude. Nobody has to know. Nobody. I can get another shot. There’s always another chance.104

He takes out a pen and paper and starts writing. Then, slowly, his writing grinds to a halt.105

George (quiet desperation): No. I can’t think. Why not? Why can’t I think? Where are my words? My inspiration? God, I’ve got to work! (to the sky) WHEN DO I GET MY APPEAL?106

Judge (invisible): Don’t call us, we’ll find you.107

George: Let me out of here. Soon. Please.108

Lights out.109

-Scene- 110