Useless Diary Entry. (I'm trying to forgive myself but no one will listen)

I know I've just been doing whatever the hell I've wanted to lately, without thinking at all.  Or I was trying to escape from thinking, which is in my mind an unattainable goal as of right now.  Someone I cared about set their foot down and isn't just letting me coast anymore, not that I wanted to.  I knew we'd been growing apart, but I didn't want to acknowledge it because I was so scared of what it meant.  Without my best friend, I have no one to get in trouble with.  I can't observe her family to see what mine is missing (the answer: a lot).  I want everyone, including myself, to just stop thinking and just tell me everything's ok.  I feel like I'm broken in a thousand pieces right now.  Maybe I am broken, it's just no one's told me.  Including me.  I'm developing a nasty habit of not telling myself things, or I'm trying to tell myself something and I'm just not listening at all.  I don't want to listen.  I don't want to ask because I watch everyone else around me asking and asking and asking and they seem so. . . low for sacrificing their dignity for simple human communication.  For making mistakes and not caring.  For not being obsessive like how I am.1