Act I scene I 1
Colonel Flavius, Colonel Murellus enter and speak to Corporal Carp, Private Cobb, and some other soldiers.2
Colonel Flavius3
You don’t have to go home, but you sure do have to get the heck out of here. You must not be aware that it is illegal for a soldier to be seen in public without his uniform on. What rank are you?4
Corporal Carp5
Sir, I am an E-3 Corporal, Sir.6
Colonel Murellus7
Where is your uniform? What on earth are you doing wearing your civilian clothes? And you there, what rank are you?8
Private Cobb9
Well Sir, compared to this trustworthy Corporal, you may see me as just a noncommissioned officer10
Colonel Murellus11
But what rank are you? Answer my question.12
Private Cobb13
It is a rank, sir, which I’ve been wearing for many years.14
Colonel Murellus15
What is your rank boy?16
Private Cobb17
Sir, my rank is of an enlisted soldier.18
Colonel Murellus19
Boy you better tell me your rank. Don’t make me get physical with you.20
Private Cobb21
Sir, it is a rank that I’ve been ashamed of for years.22
Colonel Murellus23
Do you want to be even more ashamed and become demoted?24
Private Cobb25
Sir, you can’t demote me.26
Colonel Murellus27
Well, why not?28
Private Cobb29
Because, sir, if you demote me I will no longer have any rank to hold the position of my title. My rank is the lowest of the low, Sir.30
Colonel Murellus31
So, you are an E-1, eh Private.32
Private Cobb33
Sir, yes, Sir. I am dedicated and committed towards my job and duty, Sir. I don’t get involved with politics, nor do I harass women. I don’t watch the news. I am a United State’s soldier of the Army. When someone is in need of assistance, I’m the one they can rely upon. The noblest men who ever lacked help were helped by my assistance.34
Colonel Murellus35
But why are you out of uniform with all of these men following you through the streets on this hot day?36
Private Cobb37
To cause them to pass out and faint from over heat exhaustion, so I may be their hero.38
Colonel Murellus39
Boy stop.40
Private Cobb41
No, just kidding, seriously, real talk, for real for real, everyone in town took this day off to celebrate Great Caesar’s triumph.42
Colonel Murellus43
Why on earth would you celebrate his triumph? You idiots, you morons, you imbeciles, you pea brains, you cold hearted men! Didn’t you know Pompey? For many days you sat on your fannies in front of your idiot box, waiting for hours to view Great President General of the Army Pompey give great long and exciting speeches. And when you caught a glimpse of his limousine, didn’t you cheer so loud that it shook the Appalachian Mountains causing them to avalanche. And now you stand here in your best civilian clothes celebrating this so-called holiday. Look at yourselves. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Throwing flowers in the same path that General Caesar walks upon, who comes in triumph over President General of the Army Pompey.--------44
Go away, get away from me all of you. I give you all the command to quickly run down to the nearest church, and repent to God the Father Almighty Maker of Heaven and Earth, to spare you the pain that you deserve for such lack of honesty and loyalty. 45
Colonel Flavius46
Go! Get! Scram! Be gone dishonest enlisted soldiers and repent for committing such evil sins. Gather up all of the other enlisted soldiers such as yourselves and cry me a river until it floods the earth and causes the world to be destroyed so God will allow you into His Kingdom of Heaven.47
Corporal Carp, Private Cobb, and all the other enlisted soldiers exit.48
Well, that ought to get rid of the most hard headed of them. Look at them, feeling so guilty and pathetic that their speechless. Okay here’s the plan. You rush down, towards the capitol and I’ll hurry this way and we’ll spray paint and write graffiti all over the statues, posters, and billboards that are decorated in honor of General Caesar.49
Colonel Murellus50
Are we authorized to do that? I mean after all it is the feast of Lupercal. You know, Lupercal, the annul celebration to honor the Roman god Lupercus.51
Colonel Flavius52
Man, I know what Lupercal is. And besides it doesn’t matter whether we are authorized to do this. Just make sure that all of the statues, posters, and billboards that are decorated in tribute to General Caesar contain graffiti and spray paint on them. I’ll march around and force the enlisted soldiers and the civilians to stay in their homes and out of the streets. You do the same wherever the crowds are thick. If we remove General Caesar’s support, he’s bound to return back down to earth, otherwise, he’ll be too successful and powerful and keep the rest of us living in fear and obedience.53
Colonel Murellus 54
Yeah, Caesar will get the big head. We must shrink down to normal size.55
They exit in different directions.56
Author notes
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