Watching

It was raining so heavily now that my vision was obscured, but made sure kept the small, pretty, blond girl within my sight. She was so little that I was afraid the gale would blow her into the busy road that ran alongside her, but it didn't.1

She could not see me, I did not want her to. She was dressed extremely inappropriately for the weather, her school skirt was rolled up high above her knees and she was not wearing a coat, she was shivering but determined to continue on her route. At least she had got an umbrella to keep her a little more comfortable. I realised with a start that she was wearing headphones, so I chanced quickening my steps so I would not lose sight of her.2

She stopped suddenly, and I was scared she had heard me, however she merely fiddled with her skirt and carried on again. The rain was even heavier now and a the wind was even stronger, the girl's umbrella blew inside out and I almost laughed out loud as she cursed the umbrella, dumped it by the road and carried on walking without it. I picked up the broken umbrella she had left on the pavement and carried on following her, I felt a small twinge of pity for her but it was entirely her own fault that she had neglected to wear anything waterproof.3

She had almost reached her destination now, which was just as well for her as she was almost soaked through and would certainly catch an illness if she was out much longer. The school gates were open and another girl stood waiting anxiously.4

"Seriously, Kayla you should wear a coat!" laughed the girl at the gate,
"Shut up" Kayla groaned, "it's not my fault that mum's stupid umbrella doesn't work properly." I watched the blond girl and her friend ascend the steps into their school, before I walked on smiling to myself.5

Although she insisted she was old enough to go by herself, I still needed to watch my daughter safely into school.

Author notes

I wanted to put a little twist in it, I hope you like it!

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • toolenduso
    July 17

    Edit | Reply
    Aw, I like it. 'Cuz I thought it was like a little boy with a crush on her at first, and then I thought it was like a creepy old guy, but it was her dad...well done!

    Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 7/10
    Flow: 7/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 10/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 4/5
    Total: 43/50


  • ForThePlague
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    I did not see that coming way to twist the story, dude(tte) and keep the reader reading. (lol the reader reading)


  • Savage
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    This is funny AND cute, lol. You did a great job on this, I like the twist alot. I didn't see mistakes, thank you!


  • Midnight-Engaged
    January 20

    Edit | Reply
    Very cute story, but I would maybe fix the wording of some of your sentences. They're a bit choppy.


    • Neolittlefish
      January 20
      Edit | Reply
      Ok, could you give me some examples? I'd like to know how to improve it.

      • Midnight-Engaged
        January 21
        Edit | Reply
        Of course, hon! For instance, in your first sentence: "It was raining so heavily now that my vision was obscured, but made sure kept the small, pretty, blond girl within my sight." I'm sure you should add an I in there somewhere or play around with your wording a bit. The entire first sentence on your second paragraph would be so much more effective if broken up into smaller sentences and clarified a bit. The sentence after that should be joined in with one of the previous adjoining sentences. But the one after that, by the way, is perfect. Really works great with the wording and everything.

        Well, that's just a small example. Message me and we can talk more if you would like, hon. I have an idea but am not sure how you would react to it.

        • Neolittlefish
          January 21
          Edit | Reply
          great thanks, I sent you a message, I'm going to give this story at bit of a touch up soon and I apreciate your help, thanks for the honourable mention.


  • LoneWriter
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    lol. I LOVE the ending. It just came out of nowhere and and overprotective, or even just a little protective father would do that. This is definetly great. At first I thought you were older too.

    Really great writing!
    ~Lone

    • Neolittlefish
      November 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe thanks for the comment and the applause, it was just a funny little idea I had and I certainly wouldnt put it past my dad to be that over protective! Glad you liked it

1 - 10 of 10