Voices

"I missed the part when we were moving forward now1

(On our way down)"2

May 303

I stared at my mom as I tried to figure out what she trying to tell me. We were leaving the country so that we wouldn't have to pay the 50 grand my mom owed the IRS. She says it's a new beginning for us, but I know we're just sinking deeper in hopeless crime.4

"But maybe someday I'll be something more than love"5

She says it's all for me. If it was all for me she wouldn't put me through this kind of stuff. We have to go from state to state running from the government and getting farther and farther into debt. Now that she's been caught, we're leaving the country. Maybe she'll see what she's doing to me instead of the blind love she has for me.6

"Just know I'll never tell"7

I'll never tell her this to her face because I know it'll break her heart.8

"And when you're on your way down 9

(Through the clouds)"10

June 211

We boarded the plane under an alias. I got to have my choice of what country we got to leave to. After all, this is for me right? The movie's in Japanese since that's the country we're going to. All of the time I'd spent wishing I could move to Tokyo, and I finally get to go with a heavy heart. The plane began to go down, and the clouds outside of the window dissappeared.12

"And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again"13

I wanted this all to be over. Why couldn't my mom just gather up the courage to actually get a job and try to pay off the debt. Why can't she just take care of her kid? I started to get dizzy again, which is what always happened when I got stressed out. I waited to feel like I was in my body again, but it always took a long time.14

"We speak in different voices15

When fighting with the ones we've loved"16

June 1617

We've been living in this large city for almost half a month. We've gotten the hang of speaking in Japanese, but we haven't quite gotten the hang of talking to each other. We talk, but only every now and then. Not since the fight we had when we first got here.18

"We speak in different voices19

Why can't we say what we're speaking of?"20

I still haven't gotten everything off of my chest. It's weighing me down to no end.21

"I'm missing parts, now that you've told me everything22

(On our way down)"23

June 2024

She's finally told me why she's so far into debt. After my dad left her, she started to go shopping when I was at school. It was only small things, but it got bigger and more expensive every time. When she went shopping, she forgot about everything. I can get that, it's sort of like when I play my guitar. I just don't get why she could never stop.25

"And I was blessed and I've forgotten how to love"26

July 127

All of this time I've spent hating her, it's almost a good thing that I've forgotten how to love. She was arrested a yesterday. It was my birthday, and she had to get me something special. So when we were at the mall, she tried to steal an iPod for me. She got caught and they arrested her. Since I'm 17, I was told that I could live by myself. Why'd I have to be cursed with a mom like this?28

"You said you'd never tell"29

She said she'd never tell me about why my dad left. She told me today when I went to visit her. He had a new wife, the woman he'd had an affair with. It hurt. I wish she wouldn't have told me. I don't know what made her do it, but I wish she wouldn't have. He ruined our lives. I want to beat the crap out of him.