Mark is my friend, but he prefers that I don't call him Mark. The name that best expresses his spirit, he insists, is Mars. I have to agree. No short half-Chinese trombonist deserves to be known as Mark. So Mars it is. A one letter difference, but a difference that counts.1
I arrived at his house yesterday bearing gifts.2
"What do you got here, Jewboy?" he asked.3
"Just the swinging sounds of Mr. Dizzy Gillespie," I answered.4
We bopped the CD into the stereo, and turned up the volume. The herald of song came forth. The trumpet could be distinctly heard:5
Ba dap bap ba di ba6
Ba di ba doo wah7
Ba dap bap ba di ba8
Ba doo ba doo ba di wah9
Ba doo ba di wah10
Bwap bwap11
Mars nodded to me. "Yehudah, do you hear that? It's the sound of a man who has reached the bounds of human comprehension, and loves what he sees. A man who has plummetted to subterranean depths, only to make his way further out into space."12
"I dig it," I said in solidarity.13
And I felt a hunger in my appendix14
As though I wanted to fly upon the brass notes15
Casting aside all nodes of rationality16
In order to taste the clouds17
Yeah, man, just groove with it. Give'r. Show 'em what you got.18
"Mars, I got you the good stuff. How will you ever thank me?" I inquired.19
"I don't know. I am forever in your debt." His eyes, closed -- and his fist arching itself in the air, like a Communist telling the masses to fight.20
How I wanted to taste the blue note curve, have it blister the most benign nerve, swerving into the corners of my ear. Today was the day to serve up gladness in my arteries.21
"You want a beer?" Mars offered.22
"Yeah, give me what you got," I agreed.23
Cool whisps darted from the caverns of refrigeration. His hand grabbed two nozzles of Granville Island Maple Cream Ale. Yes, we are good Canadians. We love our country.24
Mars handed me a bottle, and took off his hat. And then I spoke:25
To the administer of the assist26
The duke of the deke27
Who invoked the fear of God in the heart of every goalie28
The Great One to whom is everything pure and great about hockey29
Wayne Gretzky30
Concluded Mars:31
Peace be upon him32
Our beers gently crashed into each other. And we drank.33
Beer34
Clean, crisp35
Tasting, tantalizing, tingling36
Mouth, movement, moment, madness37
Gazing, grasping, gaping38
Passive, primal39
Drink40
And so it has been since before the known history of man. And so it will ever be. Amen.41
"Gadzooks! I need to kick your ass!" I remarked loudly.42
"You're not touching my ass, you sick mofo," prophesied Mars.43
"Heh, but that's where you're wrong. Guile has become a part of me, with his flash kick, his pyramid hair, and sonic boomilicious construct from his hands that will terrorize whichever champion gives you hope," I vollied, "Tonight, you shall see visions of your destruction."44
"We shall see, Yehudah-san," he smirked, "We shall see."45
We plugged in the archaic PS1, and sparked itself into gear.46
And then the Capcom flash47
That made my pulse start to dash48
That made me want to smash, smash, smash!49
I selected the meanest, baddest, most ballsy Street Fighter son-of-a-gun of them all: Colonel Guile. The man tough as nails, who could do more damage than them all. And I knew it too.50
Mars picked Chun Li. Sad, pathetic Chun Li.51
FIGHT ONE52
Fingers so raw, mash up the buttons. Here comes the round house kick! But! Oh! Chun Li! In a whirlwind communique of People's Republic motion, I was gone. Cheap bastard. He will have to pay.53
FIGHT TWO54
Collossus of flash kicks, a raw punch to the face. I was going to make that she-beast die. Oh, I had her on the run. She was dead, deader than a fox. But, with a high-flying jump, and an intense go-round swipe to my damn-it-why-didn't-I-cover-that back, I was gone.55
"Mars, you dirty scoundrel," I frowned, "You will never win again. Trust me."56
Mars laughed maniacally. "You talk too much. You talk too much."57
And I knew it too.58
The thing is, that it didn't matter.59
This was just an adventure.60
Just an adventure.61
The truth is62
Time waits for no one63
But in the brink64
Of the moment65
Sometimes66
You can find time67
To capitulate68
How the hour should be69
And so it is. That's the facts. That's the final answer.70
Author notes
The last attempt at merging poetry and prose together -- or "proetry", as someone so aptly called it -- was encouraging to me. At no other time had a seen such wide range of opinions to something I wrote. Never had I seen such ranges of emotion on something I had thought upon.
Hence, I thought it proper that I continue in this vein, only with more of a serious attempt, and with a more cohesive story. This is somewhat autobiographical, but only somewhat. I would like very much to know what worked for you, and what didn't.
Some things to be mindful of before you critique:
1) This is a first draft, but I am dumping this onto this site in order to seek direction.
2) If you say this is too long, it's because you have the attention span of a gnat. This is a two and a half page story, and if you've ever read a book, you cannot tell me that two and a half pages is too long. Now, if this didn't hold your attention, that is another story altogether.
3) Finally, if this method of writing is any good, I may write a whole novel based upon it.
Give me your honest thoughts. Thank you.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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i loved the mix, the poetry and story... quite nice. very enjoyable. i LOVE PS games... specially the fighting ones... beer jazz and video games are the best. thanks for combining them into one
hope you continue on with your work... and this should be a final draft, not a rough draft... my personal opinion. anyhoo... thanks for the good read
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Didn't want to be a feature click no comment kinda guy, so left this, liking the mix up, only read it because it involved Street Fight.. Hadoken, thanks
Dan -
a bit over discriptive so i once or twice driffend into the land of nod nvm tho well done anyway
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this was kinda gay... hate to hurt your feelings or whatever but virginal is right... it doesnt keep your attention
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First of all, I love to read books. It's some sort of fetish I have. And, I have a great attention span, I'd have to since I go through about five novels in one week. This just didn't hold my attention. It's really hard to follow.
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Intriguing mix
Well I found it interesting. I too, would like a little more light shed on the thoughts of Canadians. :-) The mix of poetry with story is a neat package and something I might like to try sometime. Nice work! -
If I've plagiarized anyone, show me the evidence. Frankly, you have a hard time convincing me that anyone wrote about jazz, beer, and Street Fighter is exactly the same way. It's funny, for every person who says I'm "ripping" someone off, I have yet to hear them tell me how I'm ripping them off. Hence, I'm just going to keep going on my merry little way and write the way I see fit.
As for Dostoyevsky trying to make every mundane thing exciting in twenty pages, I am not Dostoyevsky, and this is just two and a half pages. Your argument is flawed.
If you don't know what a PS1 is, it's because you've never played video games. -
Not too bad. While I definitely prefer sci-fi to 'beat', I think you might be ripping off a few authors, who are currently rolling around in their graves at your intrusion so fast that it might be possible to attach copper wire in the right places and generate a large amount of electricity. So if you can see what I'm saying - admittedly this may be difficult - your 'proetry' is good in places but incredibly contrived.
There are other things, too; for example, this sentence -
"We plugged in the archaic PS1, and sparked itself into gear."
- does not make sense.
If Dostoevsky had tried to make every mundane moment exciting, no-one would have read beyond the first twenty pages. I don't think it works :-)
Mina x -
You know what? If you were to write a book on this...and if you published it...I would buy it immediately upon seeing it! I read every line...and I LOVE YOUR STYLE! And the cool thing-proetry-I tried that one time without knowing the form actually existed. I changed it to a poem later, but realize now it would have been better off the first way.
I love your mind! This is an amazing story. I am once again held in awe of your work
!!!
~Jen -
who saya "gadzook" lol. but this was good. i love how you described beer and the gaming. very cool im definitely no expert with prose/poetry but your attempt came off pretty ok. interested in reading the rest of this (dont know why lol i dont like video games or beer j/k )
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hmmm...
okay, since your looking for real commentary...for me, mind you... ithad a nice cool-scat feel to it up until the video game sequence. you shed just a glimpse of light upon "being Canadian" but the door closed waay to early for me, the whole cheers to Gretzky and loving of country. That sort of thing. Not the "nationalism" mind you, but the we are after all~Canadians. And going from that to a brisk 180, I didnt see the correlation between the game and the rest of the real stuff...but thats just me...
so I will have to score this as a gbgbgbgbgbgbgbgbg
goodbadgoodbad...write on... -
great
A really great read here, well written, keep on writing.
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Someone didn't read through my author's notes.
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I had trouble following this and was a little disappointed at the end. It was a little bit too long as well. I do have to give you props for writing "proetry" I would never have had the guts to do this. Keep writing, There seems to be some good things in this poem that jump out at you.
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Ihad no probs inbeing held captive with this you used all your words well. I really enjoyed it thank you
Mia
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Well, to be honest it didn't hold my attention. By the time you were toasting to Gretsky (yes, almost to the end, but I was determined to finish) I wanted to just skip to the end to see where you were getting at, and I honestly did just that. I was kind of disappointed, though I guess I must look at it from a different perspective.. I can understand why you made it such a simple story and ended with such a complex answer (which seems an answer to what may be all of our problems.) I can understand why you made it a joking tale of two friends just messing around on any ordinary afternoon. That's the point right? These ordinary afternoons are the way we're meant to spend our afternoons. Any other way, and it seems that something would be wrong. I've read some of your other pieces (as well as your other proetry) and I know that you could have displayed this in a deeper aspect. Though, I cannot disagree with the style you've written it in. It's supposed to be normal... lol, that's why it's prose. I liked the pyramid in the middle. I didn't like the rhyming here:
'How I wanted to taste the blue note curve, have it blister the most benign nerve, swerving into the corners of my ear. Today was the day to serve up gladness in my arteries.
"You want a beer?"'
Especially since 'arteries' dashed the whole rhyme scheme you had going and threw me off. Also, lol, as many say it seemed almost forced, but necessary to keep the story going. Anyway, well written, and a nice reflection.
Edited on Apr 25, 6:20 because ''. -
Dude, I couldn't read it all. But hey, we all went to college. And hey. Communism isn't bad. But Nazis certainly can be. They're like republicans. But sometimes not so bad. Kill whitie.
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i like the style of this. i can imagine it to be a good book. it's like a chatty informal tone. reminds me of Catcher in the rye. in my eyes that is one hell of a compliment.
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A brucha it's not! A boocha, well I think it has one hell of a chance in the write hands. It certainly would be unique!I could go for somethiing like that!
Regards,
John -
Excellent
Interesting experiment. I love the cool language. Reminds me of a fifties swinger. But the whole thing has this beat poetry feel, which is very awesome. It's very old fashion, but it's very modern (Street Fighter and what not). Rather enjyed the "good Canadians" line (betcha can guess why). This is gret, overall. Sometimes it's a little bit hard to understand (just with the some of the transitions), but otherwise, great. Cool daddio. *Snaps* -
i personally like the excitment of surprises in this 'proetry'...but it just did not seem to be particularly meaningful to me, but who am i anyway! tricia.. * <3
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I know what you mean about effeminates whining about length; one time I left a incomplete draft of a story that was meant to be about ten pages on this site, I came back later that evening and some douche-bag told me it was too long, and it wasn't even over one page.
Anyway, I did enjoy the story, but I found it a little hard to follow at the begining with the breaks into rhyme and jazz-onamatapea..(Shit, I don't know how to spell that), but otherwise, it was okay. -
Okay, okay! LOL!! This is hilarious...one....because my Hubby's name is Mark, and two, his favorite planet is Mars (mars, mars, mars...blah, blah...) and three...I ALWAYS kick his butt with Chun Li!! LOL!!
Anyway, I really, really like the 'proetry'. I think you have struck gold here...great story telling techniques as well...and the musicality of some of the lines, really brought me in to the jazz...
Peace, Kelly -
This piece jumped through three different topics, so I went back to the title and... yes, you did realize it! Now I would have called it 'A Most Productive Evening', or 'What Canadians do in the Canadian Winter, if you Ever Wondered', or 'Call Me Mars!', or 'Dizzy Maple Creme Ale with Pyramid Hair', or 'Jazz, Beer, and Street Fighter'...
Too long- no. Interesting- well I read the whole thing. Style- alright, makes sense- use the poetry when you pause the story to present your reflections into the deeper aspects of life, as you have in places. I would want to see more Canadian life woven in as generalities. One evening I don't think captures it all (if it did, then you live in the suburbs!) Mars, God of War! but maybe you shouldn't tell him that, he sounds combative!
Edited on Apr 24, 9:26 p.m. because ''. -
well written and not bad overall.a bit overdone but still worth the read here..Good job. This worked here for the style and the feel.It was good though despite certain problems in it.
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Very good. I love how you mixed everything together, no matter how seemingly trivial and pulled it off. I commend you.
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Chun Li > all
I like this because I can somehow connect my life to it, but I also really like your style. The trumpet part was entertaining to say the least and it adds a little phonic spice to the story. I especially like what you did with the beer bit; the alliteration was great and wasn't overdone.
I didn't particularly like the "...flash/...dash/...smash!" lines. The rhyme wasn't very fluid, and it read out like an autistic Dr. Seuss.
Also, I think you did excellently with your prose-dominant paragraphs. They're a little bit of well-done, witty humor combined with infectious spasms of poetry, and the combination is pretty damn entertaining. -
that was simply awesome. extremely funny. not sure i have read something here that had me going more than this. so great job with that. i think i like this so much because i remember the days of street fighter. enjoyed this tons. was well worth the read.
Blu -
Oh and ps, street fighter kicks some major ass.
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Well, it was good, but I don't know how effective it will be as a novel. As a short story it wasn't too much, but if you decide to lengthen this style, it may loose it's appeal after more than a few pages, I would suggest keeping relatively short, but then again, I'm just some random poet on the internet. Good luck, and good job.
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wow, you're gonna write a whole novel in that style? it just might work, batman.
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wow. i sit amazed. great job. it was really different. i liked what you had going on in there.
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Excellent
An enjoyable read RR and I was captivated through out.I liked the swtich and it was a different experience than usual.Well done and I look forward to reading more
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That was a really novel read, the way you blended the different forms of poetry and prose together. I loved it! Not to mention, it wasn't a bad story either.
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This was truly a pleasurable read. I like the way you have woven the two together and yet, the poetry stands alone. I also like the alliteration used in the beer description. It brings it to life, makes it pop and almost gives one a full flavor mouthful right there. I think you have a winning combination here. You given this piece pulse and life. Thank you for a wonderful read!
♥ Kimberly -
Thank you. I took your advice and added in some of the edits you suggested.
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good
Dang I really enjoyed this write, if you plan to write a novel in this format just tell me where to get one. I love the spectrum of emotions that you were able to convay within this write. I had no problem reading this to the end. I may not have agreed with many of your writes but this one is very talented. -
Although I felt the other piece was delicious, there are a few elements I like more about this one.
You made the poetry more lyrical than the prose, which is good. In the other piece, the prose was more dominant.
I think it's a good length, and since it's not as abstract, it's probably appealing to a more diverse range of readers. A lot of people can relate to scenes like this.
When you did the sound of the trumpet! I loved it! It totally mimicked scat singing, and the "bwap bwap" is the PERFECT sound for the trumpet!
Few notes:
The stanza about beer, the word "map" doesnt seem to fit with the rest....maybe another word?
This: And then the Capcom flash
That made my pulse dash
That made me want to smash, smash, smash!
Maybe? And then came the Capcom flash
That made my pulse start to dash
That made me want to smash, smash, smash!
And: damn-it-why-didn't-cover-that
To: damn-it-why-didn't-I-cover-that
I loved this piece because I can relate to it SO much! and I love this method of writing, if you can write a book in it, go for it! I would read it! Thanks so much for doing this style again!
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Hi, I am NOT your biggest fan, but I did like this. It's an interesting idea to merge poetry and prose. I'm not going to say it isn't a cool story just beacuse I don't like you, beacuse it is. You did a great job, but if you write a whole novel of this I won't be buying it, the story you wrote is long enough.
Edited on Apr 24, 8:14 p.m. because ''. -
i like it, alot.
id love to give a more encouraging and specific comment, but i dont know what it is about this write that i actually like; i suppose its more the feel of it that i enjoy.
keep writing.
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